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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think that the following are a bit offensive

44 replies

hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 20:06

women not using contraception but telling their partners they are

and

women complaining about 'fear of fatherhood'?

Who on earth would want a child with a man that doesn't?

(I speak from experience of having my most fertile years spent with a man who didn't want children - he had some already and didn't want any with me. If it was tht important to me, I should basically have left a lot sooner).

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 20:07

What?

Imarriedafrog · 02/06/2010 20:10

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Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 20:12

Fab what you mean What??? LOL

Imarriedafrog yeah, of course that's a very valid point... but deliberate deceit and patronising? FFS.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 20:15

I didn't get the complaining bit.

Sn0wflake · 02/06/2010 20:16

Why is this annoying you at the moment (the issue being as old as the hills an all...)?

5DollarShake · 02/06/2010 20:17

I'm a bit 'what' as well...

I don't really get what you're saying - what exactly is offensive - the two examples you've given us?

You don't think women should complain about men who don't want children...?

Your OP is pretty ambiguous, to be honest...

booyhoo · 02/06/2010 20:17

lots of people want children with men that dont.

me for example but i would never ever trick OH into conceiving.

there are, however women who will do that to be able to have a child.

BuzzingNoise · 02/06/2010 20:19

Hairytriangle, I get what you are saying. YANBU. Although maybe offensive is a bit strong.

Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 20:21

I am saying that I think it's weird quite frankly, to deceive a partner into thinking you are taking precautions when you are not.

I also think using the term 'fear of fatherhood' is quite patronising and dismissing. People, human beings, might have all manner of reasons not to want children (believe me, I've been there) and I do think that should be respected.

I'm not saying women should not complain if their man doesn't want children, but there are much more mature ways than nagging, taking the piss, and patronising them into making an important life choice that they don't want to make!

Didn't realise this would be so contraversial!

OP posts:
Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 20:22

snow it's annoying me atm as I have seen a lot of it on here - patronising comments by women of their men, posted in a very dismissive way. Like their men's opinons don' count.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 02/06/2010 20:23

I had a fear of motherhood and seem to be coping

Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 20:24

Belle PMSL!

OP posts:
minipie · 02/06/2010 20:33

hairy

I agree with you 100% on the contraception deceit thing.

As regards the complaining about fear of fatherhood etc, nagging, etc ... In theory I agree with you. Not wanting children is a perfectly valid choice and should be respected.

But the fact is that there are an awful lot of men out there who start off saying they are not all that keen on the idea of having children... but come round when they are nagged consider it further. And when the kids turn up they love them to bits.

How would you suggest dealing with one of these men? If you took their first answer ("I'm really not sure I want kids") as their final answer, and never nag them or bring the topic up again, then you'd miss out on the possibility that they might in fact have been very happy to have kids in the end.

lefroglet · 02/06/2010 20:37

My DH got engaged to me and I was adamant that I didn't want children, but I had married him and I said I was never going to get married...just changed my mind as is my prerogative . I can see why there would be "fear of fatherhood" as I was scared of becoming a mother. I figure it's natural to be a bit scared of the unknown. I only have 1 DS, but we are TTC number 2 so it can't be that bad. I don't agree with 'tricking' someone into conceiving though.

fuzzypicklehead · 02/06/2010 21:33

I agree with you that it's horrendous to pretend to be using contraception in order to get pregnant. I actually know someone who has done this. Predictably, her relationship is now quite rocky.

But your second query, "who would want a child with someone who didn't?" seems a little bit simplistic to me. I'm sure lots of people who want children are in relationships with people who don't or aren't ready. (I can think of many within my current social network) It's an absolute hell of a situation to be in, having to choose between your own biological imperative and the wants/needs of the person you love.

I can also understand why many women are somewhat dismissive of men's "fear of fatherhood". I've been guilty of this with my DH. In our case it's because he sometimes acts hard done by because we have kids. (1st planned but happened on literally the first try, before we really had time to adjust to the idea. Second was a surprise to both of us )

Anyway, he's always had issues with the idea of fatherhood, and I respect that. But it takes two to make a baby and once one is on the way, I figure it's time for everybody to dig deep, grow a pair, & get on with the job at hand. But hey-ho, that's just me!

Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 22:08

minipie i know it's a really hard situation believe me, I was in it for 15 years. I think there's a massive difference betwen 'I'm not keen on kids' and 'I absolutely do not want to have kids no matter what you want'. In hindsight, in my particular circumstances, I should have realised that it was not going to happen and that actually it was really important to me and made the extremely hard decision to have moved on earlier than I eventually did. (incidentally, moving on was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life)

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 22:15

I don't think they are offensive.

I do think that it is outrageous to try to trick someone into having a baby with you though. Nobody has the right to say when another person should have a child, or to say that that person will change their mind once the child arrives. No, they'll make the best of it now they have no choice perhaps and yes, may well love the child, but the other person still had no right to make that choice for them. Under any circumstances!

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/06/2010 22:20

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 22:21

It's not really the sort of nickname a woman would choose, is it? OP - are you a bloke who feels he has been 'tricked' into fatherhood?

Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 22:26

No, HecateQueenOfWitchesI'm a forty two year old lady who will soon be ttc after a miscarriage in her first pregnancy!

shineoncrazydiamond well that's kinda tough luck! If I ever want your opinion on my name, you can feel content that I will ask you.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 22:28

Actually, it IS the kind of name a woman would choose! i chose it. And it relates to a small, blonde patch of body hair on my lower back, for your information. What's the saying? it's not the mouth it comes out of, it's the mind it goes into? LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
hairytriangle · 02/06/2010 22:35

by the way, I seem to be being treated as a troll, but this was a serious question - I wondered genuinely if i was being unreasonable to react in the way I did to some of the attitudes I've seen in some threads which seem generally accepted.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 02/06/2010 22:57

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DuelingFanjo · 02/06/2010 23:23

I can verify this person is not a troll. I am related to her.

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/06/2010 23:35

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