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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i probably am but.....SIL nagging about wedding attendance moan

61 replies

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 19:12

she has set her wedding date on the exact same day as my EDD, in two weeks time.

this wedding date was set only a month ago so she can't claim ignorance as all the family has known my EDD since my 20 week scan.

i am having an elcs next friday so i won't be attending but dh gave a maybe, perhaps, see how it goes type answer as to whether he will attend.
i have no real problem with dh going if he wants to as i have mum and sisters nearby to help if needs be. i don't want him to go though as we should be enjoying our new baby together, but i won't stop him.

only now sil is ramping up the nagging 'are you coming or not', 'need to know numbers for food' type thing and it's really starting to hack me off. if she was so desperate for dh to attend why did she make her wedding date my effing EDD, ffs??? DH isn't sure he wants to go all the way to london so soon after the baby and has repeatedly told her so but still she keeps going on.

ILs eh! who'd 'ave 'em?

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 02/06/2010 19:55

bibbity that was my intial reaction to the post
but the bride has only organised the wedding 2 weeks ago, and not understanding that her brother might not want to/be able to leave his newborn is abit bridezilla'ish

QSnondomicile · 02/06/2010 19:57

She is trying to trump you.
She is trying to get one over you. She just wants the attention to be on HER not the new baby.

Her dh should show her where his priorities are, and tell her "NO. I will be with my new baby and babys mum. They need me more"

bodenbore · 02/06/2010 19:58

Your DH will not see the baby if he goes, or he will miss precious moments - remind him of this - he really will not want to go.

All the best with the baby!

bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2010 20:01

Alright then - so why can't he just say "no"?

She is still not being a bridezilla for wanting to know if he's coming or not.

I can feel the pleasure you are all getting in this thread bitching about the sil. Oooooooh its satisfying, isn't it?

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:09

i suppose he won't give an outright no because he does want to see her get married, she just chose a stupid date.

how can dh know what will happen or how he will feel? my cs could go swimmingly and he feels happy leaving us for the day, but my cs could go badly and im too unwell to be left.
much as i love my mum i don't want her carrying me to the bog etc

thats what is hacking me off about the nagging. dh can't give a definite yes because we don't know whats going to happen.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 02/06/2010 20:10

Say yes, then if necessary phone and cancel at last minute.

bodenbore · 02/06/2010 20:15

Yeah what a good idea from Hullygully - say yes and that is the end of it - if DH does not get to the wedding, then surely no one will mind... and if they do you will not care because you will be too busy with the baby.

wonderingwondering · 02/06/2010 20:17

I suspect he'll want to be there to see his sister get married, no matter how annoying you find her. If you don't have any other children that need their father's attention, I'd say he could, and should, go. His sis sounds like she needs some support.

I'm all for a bit of 'babymoon' but, although it is an intrusion, it is only one day. You have your mum to come over and help, and if you are that ill that you need to be carried to the loo, you'll need to be in hospital, which completely changes things.

bibbitybobbityhat · 02/06/2010 20:20

When is your elcs and when is the wedding? I can't work out the gap between the two.

minipie · 02/06/2010 20:22

hang on a sec.

on my reading the SIL is NOT trying to get DH to go to the wedding. She just wants to know for certain whether DH is going or not.

If all she wants is a certain answer, then she is not being unreasonable - she probably does need to know for numbers - and your DH should just make up his mind. It's not really fair to say "I'll see how it goes" to someone about their wedding day, even if they've chosen a stupid date.

On the other hand if she is trying to get your DH to attend then she is definitely BU. You'll have just had a baby FFS and he should be taking care of the baby/you.

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:23

sil will mind if he did that.

she throws huge, ranting strops if he has to cancel meeting for drinks when he goes to london for work. one time he cancelled meeting up with her she went on a texting/phoning spree blaming me for it, calling our marriage a sham, how i was a ball breaker... it was spectacular, and all because he couldn't make it for drinky poos!!

imagine what would happen if he cancelled going to the wedding at the last minute

OP posts:

bodenbore · 02/06/2010 20:27

you will be sooo busy with a young baby that you and your dh will NOT have the time to listen to a rant.

Does your sil have

no redeeming features ???

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:28

my cs is on the 11th, wedding is the 19th.

we have a toddler too so it's not pfb babymooning.

OP posts:

bodenbore · 02/06/2010 20:31

oh in that case then he might be able to go along for a little while - all going well, and as long as you have extra support... but honestly - does your sil have any positive qualities???

5DollarShake · 02/06/2010 20:33

Ask her what she would prefer - that your DH says YES but possibly cancels at the last minute if it's impossible for him to leave, or that he say NO right now, for the sake of giving a definitive answer.

Put the ball in her court.

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:36

it's a long way to go just for a little while, we are 200 miles away.

sil is nice enough, just spoilt and doesn't like being told no.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 02/06/2010 20:36

sorry, it's not bridezilla-ish to want your guests to confirm if they plan to attend or not. If i was your SIL, I'd be really annoyed by 'maybe I will, maybe i won't' from your DH. If it's unlikely he will go, he should just say no. Of course he'd like to see his sister get married, but you can't wait until the day to decide if she's got to cater it, do a seating plan etc.

He needs to make a decision and then stick to it. Not saying one way or another is just rude.

Oh, and send a nice gift.

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:38

thats a good idea 5dollar. i'll put that to dh later.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 02/06/2010 20:40

I think your DH is wimping out

it is his sister and yet he cannot give a firm answer about going to her wedding? regardless of short notice, she clearly has less time to organise stuff, so fannying around, saying. 'maybe i will, maybe i won't' is a PITA

he should go and stay overnight and come back the next especialyl if you have help on hand for other family members

i think YABU as is DH, regardless of whether SIL has form for tantrums, she is not unreasonable to want to know if her brother is coming or not

Morloth · 02/06/2010 20:41

Shotgun wedding?

Your DH just has to say no. Her choice whether she has a tantrum or not, not your problem.

scrab806ble · 02/06/2010 20:41

Just get DH to decide and tell her, strop? so what, you have bigger things going on.

slushy06 · 02/06/2010 20:42

Dp went to his brothers wedding without me when dd was a week old (because I went two week overdue) they had known my due date when they booked the wedding. Dp was best man and it involved a overnight stay I didn't go and me and dd and ds who was 3 at the time stayed at home alone.

DP missed us and was sad to go but we actually really enjoyed ourselves it was peaceful no visitors I had take away rented some disney movies and had a great time with ds it was actually what ds needed some time with me. dp set everything out for me and we ignored the cleaning it was lovely and because we watched films it wasn't exhausting. Dp came back felt so guilty he was twice as helpful . But I did have a natural birth no stitches so I don't know if I could have done it with a section. Dps family went nuts because ds was not there but I wanted us to be together at least.

Original poster

bamboobutton · 02/06/2010 20:44

not as rude as planning the date around the birth date and then repeatedly demanding to know if we are going. and how can she possibly be annoyed, we didn't spring the baby on her, she chose to set the date on my edd, knowing it was my edd.

OP posts:

wonderingwondering · 02/06/2010 20:45

Ah. With a younger child, that changes things. Your DH really does have other priorities - any spare time should be spent with your toddler, not chasing off across the country.

So a difficult decision, but one that's got to be taken - dithering won't improve things, it just means he'll have a recovering wife, new baby, toddler AND hacked-off sister to deal with at the same time.

So I suggest he say he's not going, but in the unlikely event that everything is so OK and settled that he's able to go, he'll attend the ceremony but won't expect a seat at the meal etc?

alexisfaith · 02/06/2010 20:48

I think YANBU and your SIL is being a little bit bridezilla-y.

However, she booked her wedding for your EDD in two weeks time. You mention it is weird to book a wedding on your EDD, yet you go on to say that you are having an elective a week earlier than your due date/her wedding. So, the wedding date is actually irrelevant, no? And, all going well, your DH could attend the wedding for a bit when baby is a week old. What I mean is, from her perspective, SIL won't see the oddity of her choosing that date because the baby will be here by then.

But still, I know what it's like to have infuriating ILs. YANBU.

Hope all goes beautifully next Friday.

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