to want to "steal" back nanny?

MumNWLondon · 2010-06-02T12:15:49+00:00

I had a wonderful nanny who looked after DD (now 6) and DS1 (now 4) from when they were babies. But when DS1 started nursery in Sept 09 I reduced her hours (as he was at nursery, in DD's school from 8.30-3.20 each day). I helped the nanny find a job with one of my friends. DS2 was born in April and I hope to go back to work in October and once again will need a full day nanny. My wonderful nanny came round with a baby present for DS2 and told me that her new job wasn't so good as the Dad works from home and she can't discipline the kids as they run upstairs to their Dad. Also she feels the Mum has made unreasonable demands (she told me what they were, I can see it from both sides). Anyway I said I was going back to work in October and was about to start looking for a nanny...she asked if she could be my nanny again.... But I am very worried how my friend will see this, and don't want to fall out over it. But then the wonderful nanny could quit anyway and go and work for someone else???

deaddei · 02/06/2010 13:17

God I read this as "black" nanny.
Must wear glasses- that's 2 things I've misread this week.

olderandwider · 02/06/2010 13:34

Well, your nanny is a free agent so if she wants to resign from her job that's her choice. But I would be very wary of re-employing her directly afterwards as your friend may well feel very aggrieved, and rightly so.

How about if your old nanny resigned, temped for a few months, then you re-employed her. It just would look better imo.

sanielle · 02/06/2010 13:42

Think yo ushould speak to your friend directly if the nanny is having issues the mother is also likely to be having issues.

At the end of the day she isn't property and can work for whoever she likes.

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 02/06/2010 15:40

Thanks for you responses, its a hard one, because she did work for me for 5 years so we are good friends as well as boss/nanny, and she is not happy now working for my friend. I don't want to upset my friend, but she could quit and work for someone different.

I am interested that you both thought I should speak to my friend... not really sure what to say - because hard to say to my friend that nanny thinks she has treated her unfairly (basically friend is going abroad for 6 weeks and found another family for the nanny to look after without even discussing with her in advance, also friend found another child for nanny to look after as well as her 2 children and presenting this to nanny as done deal - nanny feels my friend treating her as property) obviously the nanny doesn't want to try and find temping jobs, she just wants to leave her old job and work for me - I am in impossible situation since I found the job for the nanny in the first place.

The mother thinks the nanny is the best thing since sliced bread!

OP posts:

MintHumbug · 02/06/2010 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

websticks · 02/06/2010 15:56

I wouldnt think twice about having the nanny back. If you are happy with her and you need to find a nanny yourself, your childs happiness and your own piece of mind has got to come before your friends feelings. The nanny is going to leave anyway if she is not happy there so she will need to look for a new nanny anyway. There is no point of you missing out just because your freinds treats the nanny like she owns her. ( i talk from personal experince) Do yourself and the nanny a favour and have her back.

MintHumbug · 02/06/2010 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsshackleton · 02/06/2010 15:58

yikes

You will really upset your friend, how good a friend is she?

Your nanny needs to leave, temp and then go back to you and you will have to be very, very careful to make sure that eg your dcs don't ever drop you in it and let it slip that you'd done a deal

onadietcokebreak · 02/06/2010 15:59

Is a nannyshare at all possible?

MorrisZapp · 02/06/2010 16:00

Only if she agrees to wear a bra.

Strix · 02/06/2010 16:00

FWIW, I agree with the nanny that the mum is treating her like a piece of property. I would never arrange a totally different job for nanny for six weeks and just tell nanny it was a done deal. I might explain that I could not pay her for a job I didn't need doing and suggest she could go do x and get y in return. But, it would of course be up to nanny. In fact, it still is up to nanny. She has an employment contract and she has every right to say looking after someone else's children in someone else's home with a different employer is not the job I signed up to. Said employer (your friend) I think would have to make nanny redundant or continue to pay her for those 6 weeks. And this may be just the forward for your nanny to get out of working for her.

However... I don't really put a lot of faith in nannies who air grievance with others before addressing them with boss/grievee.

In your position, I would consider very carefully whether the friendship was worth more than having that nanny back because it most likely will end or at least strain your friendship if you take this nanny back.

Strix · 02/06/2010 16:01

FWIW, I agree with the nanny that the mum is treating her like a piece of property. I would never arrange a totally different job for nanny for six weeks and just tell nanny it was a done deal. I might explain that I could not pay her for a job I didn't need doing and suggest she could go do x and get y in return. But, it would of course be up to nanny. In fact, it still is up to nanny. She has an employment contract and she has every right to say looking after someone else's children in someone else's home with a different employer is not the job I signed up to. Said employer (your friend) I think would have to make nanny redundant or continue to pay her for those 6 weeks. And this may be just the forward for your nanny to get out of working for her.

However... I don't really put a lot of faith in nannies who air grievance with others before addressing them with boss/grievee.

In your position, I would consider very carefully whether the friendship was worth more than having that nanny back because it most likely will end or at least strain your friendship if you take this nanny back.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 16:03

You really can not say anything to your friend about your ex nanny commenting on her job.

I would also question the professionalism of the nanny bad mouthing her boss to you.

I would stay out of it to be honest and leave it up to the nanny to decide whether she hates enough to leave without there being a nice little cushy job to walk in to.

I wouldn't fanny about with the temping business. She can leave and come to you or stay and shut up or leave and go to someone else.

moomaa · 02/06/2010 16:03

Why can't the Nanny hand in her notice saying she will focus on new job search after notice worked and then you say 'oh, I heard nanny is going to leave, I'll get her for DS2'.

LoveBeing34 · 02/06/2010 16:06

She needs to suck it up and tell your friend she's not happy and wants to resign. She should answer honestly when asked if she has found another job. Just don't get caught between their working relationship and the ifs and buts.

mumbar · 02/06/2010 16:13

Hate to be the brearer of bad nes but it sounds as both of you are traeting her as property.

you had the nanny but no longer required her services so you found her work with your friend, who had given her extra children and made othet arrangements without her consent. Now your are worried about stealing her back.

Try looking at this this way:

Your nanny was happy with and when you no longer required her services you introduced her to a new family (who happened to be a friend) and she decided to work for them. Now she is unhappy with the way she is treated and so she has asked you if you will consider her as your employee in the future.

Quite frankly if you can trust her with your DC's - which it sounds like you do - then you need to trust her to make the right decision for herself about who she works for.

mamatomany · 02/06/2010 16:16

I have to say I'd lose a husband before a nanny, go for it !

mumbar · 02/06/2010 16:16

Think the way to do it would be moomas way

Thediaryofanobody · 02/06/2010 16:21

If you feel the nanny will care for your children to your standards and your children were very happy in her care then I would offer her the job.

As important as friendship is, your children come first. You know they will receive fantastic care with your old nanny, you can't be so certain about another nanny or childcare.

If she's unhappy she's probably going to leave the other family anyway.

AvadaKedavra · 02/06/2010 16:23

morriszapp

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 02/06/2010 16:32

I did not treat nanny as property - we discussed ages in advance about DS1 starting school and what that would mean; for the first term (of nursery) I paid her full time and she picked him up early at lunchtime. We both mutually decided that it wasn't really working - mainly as she (nanny) was bored doing housework and cooking all morning - although it was expensive for me when DS1 was at school - but I needed her when DC were ill or during school holidays.

I think the problem with my friend is one of communication with the nanny. I think the problem is that she couldn't have afforded to pay her while she was away and wouldn't have wanted to make her redundant (as needed her when she got back) - and anyway its a nanny share so the other family need the nanny while my friend is away - so
neither of these was an option.

When she left she knew I was (just) pregnant, but it wasn't clear at that point how long I would take off. She loves little babies, which is one of the reasons for wanting to come back.

She came round recently to bring DS2 a present and DD and DS1 asked her (unprompted) if she'd come back and be DS2's nanny.

OP posts:

mumbar · 02/06/2010 18:23

sorry if I offended you it was not my intention just trying to point out the nanny can do as she pleases and that a friendship should stand the decisions of others affecting you.

I think if all your children want her back and you too obviously and she's had enough of the other families treatment of her then she should resign and take up the post.

I'm presuming DS 1 will start school in september and poss only part time so it would be good to have someone to do drop off / pick up that they like as ime the first term young children are tired after school and just want to chill with familiar people.

That is why the first year my ds had a childminder and now in yr 1 goes to before/after schjool club

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 02/06/2010 19:29

Yes DS1 starts reception in September, although settling in period is short, and I am going to delay going back to work until October, by that point it will be a full day until 3.30pm, even though he's young in the class, and only just turned 4. I think he'll be ok with that as he's there now for a full day for nursery anyway.

But I need someone after school for him and for DD. It would cost roughly the same to send DS2 to an all day nursery and get an after school nanny or childminder for DS1 and DD - but would be much less convienient, and I would be stuck on school holidays of if any of them was ill. Nanny can look after an ill child.

The school does not have an after school club, although it starts at 8.30am so don't really need anyone before.

OP posts:

mumbar · 02/06/2010 20:14

I agree it sounds the best option for you, my ds 5.9 now goes to before/after school club but I work in education so have school hols off and my dad can have him if ill but I do think if this wasn't the case arranging all sorts of different childcare must be a nightmare and very unsettling for LO's.

IME if children are ill they want someone they know so a nanny they love already seems the best option.

lidofabiro · 02/06/2010 20:16

Is it possible that the nanny might be playing you and your friend off against each other, either to see who makes her the best offer, or to stir up trouble? Is it possible that she has complained about you to your friend as well?