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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in not giving their ball back?

83 replies

jenniepanda · 01/06/2010 22:56

8pm tonight, knock at the front door, 10-ish year old boy that I didn't recognise said "my ball is in your garden". No sorry, or please can I have it back. I went into the back garden to look for it and a stone landed at my feet, obviously thrown by one of the boys waiting for the ball. I shouted that they couldn't now have it back and went back inside.
9.30, man hammering on front door who I recognised as a neighbour from about 4 doors away, he said "I want my sons ball back" I said I didn't have it, I had the ball of a lad I didn't recognise, he insisted it was his son's ball, I know his son, it was not him who came to ask for it back. I said I wasn't going to give the ball back to whoever it belonged to until I got an apology from whoever threw the stone at me. He repeatedly said, "I want the ball back". THEN he said if I didn't give it back he would take something to the value of the ball, like a hanging basket. I said, "hang on mate, please dont threaten me, I'm not giving it back until I have an apology". This went on for a few minutes. Then he picked up two pots of plants from the front door and walked off with them.
So I rang the police.
Apparently it is not theft as they were taken in retaliation for something else. The lady at the call centre asked how long this conflict had been going on, I said it hadn't, in fact I am on quite good speaking terms with his wife! However I did insisit that it get recorded and that someone come round to sort it out as I felt quite shaken at being threatened at 9.30 at night by him. In fact I'm still shaking as I type this. I'm still waiting for someone to come round, I assume it will be tomorrow now.
AIBU in doing this, did I over react, what would you have done? What if the ball had damaged something in the garden, what if the stone had hit me, or the dogs, or the dcs?

OP posts:
TiggyR · 02/06/2010 09:25

The thing is you didn't actually take the ball, it came onto your property and you just refused to hand it back for good reason.

I spent six years living in hell a cul-de-sac full of rude neanderthal arseholes and their feral children, where this kind of nonsense used to happen on a regular basis. I manage to stay on relatively good terms with all of them, but they all tore shreds out of one another - quite literally sometimes. I couldn't wait to leave, and as soon as we could afford it we were off. I've vowed to only live in places where I have no close neighbours ever since!

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 02/06/2010 09:29

I'm sorry, why SHOULDN'T the OP have called the police? A theft has been committed, the police should respond to it. It's not down to a call center operator to give legal judgements.

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 09:33

Quite right. If the man felt she's stolen his property he should have reported it to the police, not taken it upon himself to steal from her in response. Though I can imagine the police and their phone operatives get very and wearisome over things like this.....

janajos · 02/06/2010 09:42

I can't believe that anyone thinks yabu.... You were assaulted - the threatening behaviour is enough to count as assault. The police should take this seriously. Have they now dealt with it?

Buddleja · 02/06/2010 09:51

Well we can't do a should have because whats done is done.

It does seem very petty (apart from the stone throwing) but then again I imagine the OP would have given the ball back to the boy (even though he didn't say please and thank you missis - tsk tsk) and it wouldn't have escalated from there.

The father's is a twonk now doubt he needs manners put on him, the boy who threw the stone is a little so and so.

Send a ransom note for the ball with an apology for the stone throwing as payment?

The plant hostage thing is a little worrying through what if he mistreats them - do you have to burst the ball in return?

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 10:10

You could have a pre-arranged mutual handover/amnesty, with professional mediators and negotiators.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 02/06/2010 10:17

On a bridge, at night illuminated by the car head lights.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 02/06/2010 10:19

LOOK OUT! He's pulled a mist sprayer!

dives for cover

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 10:27

Do you have any village elders? I'm quite old, I'll come if you like.

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 10:27

Or you could just settle it with a duel.

gotareason · 02/06/2010 10:41

I feel sorry for the OP - you make split second decisions that can have pretty unpleasant consequences. In her place after the stone was thrown I would have faced the kids and given a lecture about manners and stone chucking and extracted an apology but then given the ball back. As others have said, boys of that age aren't big on manners and delight in petty rebellion like stone chucking and name calling (never read 'William'?).

If you have been on good speaking terms with the idiot's wife I would go round and speak to her - tell her you felt vulnerable and overreacted and hopefully you can restore the peace before it escalates any further, after all you have got to carry on living among these people. One good side effect should be that the kids are probably so embarrassed at the man's stupid behaviour that they don't risk letting their ball go near your place again!

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 10:45

gotareason is (coincidentally) the voice of reason. Definitely do as she said. Failing that, settle it with a duel.

The thing is about eejits like this, if she'd had a word with the boys herself for the lack of manners and the stone throwing, chances are the Dad would have steamed in, all guns blazing anyway. That's what these knuckle draggers are like.

Ripeberry · 02/06/2010 10:50

Should have let your dog puncture it and give it back smilling, saying that the dog savaged it.
The man is a pratt and I hope his wife told him off and will get him to return your pots.

CheekyPinkSox · 02/06/2010 11:01

Bloody hell over a chuffing ball???

CheekyPinkSox · 02/06/2010 11:02

Can i just say i never went to ask for a ball back even if i threw it in the garden, i hated knocking on peoples doors and asking for my ball back or whatever. Some kids find it quite frightening, so i think you were BVU!

Did you ever throw a ball in someone garden by accident? As for the stone, they are kids.

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 11:07

My kids are kids too. they say please and thank you, especially if they are inconveniencing someone, and they know it's a really bad idea to throw stones at random strangers.

mumbar · 02/06/2010 11:28

My 5 yr olds DS threw a frisbee that got caught by wind and ended up 50 metres away in a neighbours garden.

Not realising it was in the garden I sent him round the back to get it. He knocked on 4 doors asking for it and managed to politly ask for it back with a sorry.

I don't think holding the ball was fair but understand why if they threw a stone you were cross - but by your own admittence you aren't 100% sure it was them.

Take back the ball swap for your plants and then let your dog pop it next time it comes over

agree with nickschick that being polite makes it hard for kids to BU back tho.

renderedspeechless · 02/06/2010 11:32

oh, how ive laughed at some of the comments on this thread - esp the exchange on a bridge with headlights and negotiators.

but, lets not be mean. also, talking about what could have and should have is fruitless at this stage.

the op acted and made decisions that she considered to be appropriate at the time. the neighbours did the same. clearly neither was happy with the other's decision and behaviour.

op, i feel your frustration, i relly do. but, you will not alter the behaviour of other people by witholding a ball. you righly pointed out to your neighbour why you would not return the ball. fine. i believe that at that point you had done as much as you could. you cannot force someone to make their child apologise - the neighbour has the right to manage the situation with his child in the way he sees fit - regardless how far you disapprove of his action/inaction in the matter. btw, a forced apology means nothing, surely? you cannot control other people's behaviour-only your own.

id suggest that you now make a further appropriate decsion based on the situation as it currently stands. id suggest you go to your neighbour's and hope the wife answers. return the ball and restate why you were angry. calmly state how you felt by the child and father's behaviour. then say that you are returning the ball as you have made your point. i would not mention the plants that he has taken, or make them a condition of you returning the ball.

there is a way of reclaiming the moral highground here. i think you should aim to do that. i dont mean to trivialise your expereience, but am suggesting a way of limiting things to the incident with the ball and associated behaviour.

nickschick · 02/06/2010 19:14

Rendered you are a wise birdy .

AmazingBouncingFerret · 02/06/2010 19:28

babymutha, OP cant offer her neighbour an olive branch, that was the plant he nicked!

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 19:34

Aye. Then you can feel all smug and morally/intellectually superior, like um, (Tiggy can't think of a relevant wise and superior being) but you will, and t'will be a good feeling.

And if they shout at you, or get abusive, remember to stay calm and speak to them in slow hushed toned, like you are being very patient and tolerant in the face of great stupidity. But stay calm and nice. Very important. Will make him mad with rage at your level-headedness and all round reasonableness because people like that can only cope with confrontation when they can justify hitting someone.

lefroglet · 02/06/2010 20:14

YANBU, renderedspeechless is right - gain the moral high ground by following the advice. My DH recently had to deal with a lady who was taking the piss when visiting a neighbour and stayed infuriatingly calm as she was shouting - she ended up jumping up and down like a two year old having a tantrum. Also, I second what TiggyR said, stay really calm! Good Luck!

chegirlmonkeybutt · 02/06/2010 20:40

This thread reminds me of when I lived in a third floor flat with DD and DS1.

I went into their shared room and noticed DD's jumper hanging from a tree outside.

I thought 'how naughty' but chuckled a bit to myself as well 'little scamp' (DS had lobbed it out in a temper).

Then I began to notice huge gaps in the room. Books, Cds, Toys, clothes, small bits of furniture, rugs...

The full emormity began to sink in,it was like slow motion.

DS1 had virtually emptied the entire contents of the bedroom out the window. There were barbie dolls and socks and duvets scattered across the estate

I had to go and knock on every downstairs door and ask for 'my room back please'

Now that was embarrassing.

Mind you most of the tenants seem to take it in their stride.

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 20:44

That's funny!

mumbar · 02/06/2010 21:00

ROFL Chegirl