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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really sorry for my DC's?

29 replies

PrammyMammy · 01/06/2010 21:37

I really do not know if i am being silly or not here, so just need a reality check (not a stoning lol).

My Ds is 2.5 and my dd is 8mo.

Their gp's (dp's parents) make no effort with them ever. Never bother to see them. When ds was littler they only wanted to see him on his own (never wanted us around) and once they gave ds a red brick to teeth on at about 9mo, and a broken lightbulb in a tupperwear box to play with as a rattle at about 10mo. So we put the foot down at the alone contact. I understand they might have been offended, but it was, imo, for his own safty. We still visited and invited them over though, to visit as a family - but even that has changed, they always have an excuse not to visit.

Last week we invited them over and when they came in, my ds actually asked ' Who's that'? I felt so bad as they should have a relationship, but it seems that they are not interested in a relationship with us and i'd prefer we built one up, and built trust up again, before we leave our dc's there.

I have asked them over, asked dp's mum out to get our hair done, asked her to come shopping, so i have been making effort.

I don't know how i should be feeling. I feel sorry that my ds had to ask who they were, and it probably is my fault for saying i'm not leaving them alone there. BUT i don't feel safe leaving them, and really want to have an adult relationship with them too.

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 01/06/2010 21:41

i wouldnt let them look after my dog, let alone my children. Dont feel bad! FFS they gave your DS a broken lightbulb in a plastic container and a brick to teeth on!

jaaayyyyssuuusss

Lulumaam · 01/06/2010 21:43

surely you are joking??? no-one NO-ONE would give their grandson a brick as a teether and broken glass to play with???

if they don't want a relationship, and they are clearly not safe with your DS , don't respond or invite contact

DP can always see them alone if he wants. but don't feel obliged to see them or to build a relationship, it has to be two way and safe!

scottishmummy · 01/06/2010 21:44

as mum your immediate loyalty is to children.unfortunately your parents have not earned your trust around dc,hence your reticence

no magic wand,no immediate resolution

but dont acquiesce or be coerced into situation you unhappy with

your dc have mum who loves them.thats good enough

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 01/06/2010 21:50

DP doesn't see them alone now. The brick and lightbulb were two of the most extream cases, but there have been lots of other things that have made the relationship bad i guess.
Before we announced i was pg, i used to be very friendly with his mum. It's like a parenting clash i think.
But i can't help feel sorry for my wee ds asking who his gp's are.

OP posts:
honeymunster · 01/06/2010 21:51

Wow! I certainly don't think you're wrong in not letting them stay with them! Seems to me that they only want a relationship with your dc's on their terms? So it's their loss not you dc's in my opinion. I know how you feel about them not knowing their GP's though. My 2 DD's don't have much to do with their's. It's a shame but what more can you do?

LordVolAuVent · 01/06/2010 22:02

lol at red brick and broken lightbulb - not really funnt but can't help it.

Weird that they would never want you there, I'd wonder why and get a bit uncomfortable too tbh (althought not suggesting anything sinister going on!), just think it's a bit odd. To have a relationship with a young child, you have to have a relationship (to an extent) with its mum, imho.

Can I ask, do your DCs see your parents? Or are these their only g'parents?

It is a shame but more so for them. Lots of kids aren't that close to their grandparents really, or have grandparents that die while they're young, I wouldn't worry overly. It's hardly your fault and much more important that DCs have a lovely mum and dad, which I'm sure they do!

LordVolAuVent · 01/06/2010 22:04

funnt? Sorry, funny

WinkyWinkola · 01/06/2010 22:05

A red brick? And a broken lightbulb?

Sorry if I'm sceptical.

Or are the gps not awfully bright?

mumbar · 01/06/2010 22:10

regardless of the bricks and glass I agree not wanting you there is strange.

My ex-MIL wouldn't look after DS if I asked but would expect me to drop him off alone at her request - er no!!!

I think you've tried ahrd to build a relationship but if they can't be bothered I agree with SM they have you and DP and thats important.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 01/06/2010 22:19

They see my parents almost everyday, not for long, but we pop in usually after they finish work, or we walk the dogs together and things.
And my mum looks after them 2 mornings a week as i work part time and she drops them off at nursery for me.

Winky - i'll set the scene - We planned to do something together, we went to a seaside town with a large cathedral, after walking the grounds of the cathedral we went for an icecream and we sat on a wee wall to eat it, my ds was in his buggy with a biccypeg and (you all know what babies are like) tried to munch on the wall, my dp and i moved the buggy so he couldnt eat the wall, and then dp's dad picked up a broken stone from behind the wall and said his teeth were hurting and that would help.

2nd time, we visited them and my ds had just learned to crawl. Their living room is onto the kitchen but they don't have a door between them and dp's mum was in the kitchen when my ds crawled through, i went to get him because he could have been in the way, and she said he wasn't in the way because he had the box to play with. On closer inspection it was a broken light bulb. The tub was secure and snapped closed, and i don't think he would have opened it, but it was a broken light bulb.

OP posts:
LordVolAuVent · 01/06/2010 22:33

Well, in that case, worry even less. They have an excellent close relationship with a set of grandparents, a lot more than many kids.

I'm a lot closer to one set of g'parents, just because they lived near us so we saw them a lot. The other set lived a way away so we only ever saw them three or four times a year - just how it is.

I think probably you are annoyed at them for ot making the effort with your DCs, and understandably, but really shouldn't pity your DCs. Pity the PILs if anyone.

libelulle · 02/06/2010 10:40

Tricky one. My dad does similarly bonkers things safety-wise. When DD was about 6 months old, in a small french village while searching for a spot to change her nappy, he suggested that we put her on a narrow wall which gave straight onto a raging river beneath. If we'd let him, he'd have attached toys with loong strings to her cot and pushchair. When I was little, he once put me in my bouncer on the car roof while loading up the car (Bounce, bounce, bounce, crash!) He just does not have the same safety common-sense radar as the rest of humanity.
BUT he is also extraordinary with children and will give my DD 100% quality attention at all times. He thinks up magical games for her, makes her exciting toys that she plays with for hours and is generally (to an irritating extent) more creative and child-focussed than I could ever be.

The answer? We've undertaken a continuous propaganda campaign about the ill-advisability of sharp objects, poisonous chemicals, long strings, high drops etc in combination with small children.
To some extent, he has got the message, though I still won't leave him alone with her for extended periods (ie longer than a trip to the park or a couple of hours while I do the shopping or whatever). I'm sad about this (it's a loss for all of us), but overall I think we've arrived at a reasonable compromise. For me, it's worth it - for all his eccentricity he's an extraordinary man, and I want my DD to have a close relationship with him.

I posted that long story because it seems to me that actually the main issue for you is that the GPs are uninterested. The safety thing, if you try hard enough, has solutions - but only if they are prepared to listen to you and if you are prepared to put the long and agonising work into making them more safety conscious. The broken lightbulb incident would have made me apoplectic with rage too, but (taking my dad's perspective ) it was in a closed box, and they may have thought they were supervising carefully.

Maybe baby steps would be the answer? Eg let them take DCs to park on their own? If they feel you don't trust them, they might be responding by withdrawal. And can your DP have a chat about how worried the safety issue is making you both, and about acceptable boundaries you could both agree on? You're quite right that it's sad that they don't have a relationship with them, so it might have to be up to you to be the bigger person and try to come to an amicable solution.

biddysmama · 02/06/2010 10:42

my nana gave my little brother a carrier bag to play with... then put a box of matches in so it made a noise... i am amazed her children made it to adulthood!

maristella · 02/06/2010 11:20

you've done your best, and it is their loss more than it will ever be your dc's loss. they already have loving grandparents

tryingtoleave · 02/06/2010 11:41

Actually, I don't think those things sound sooo awful - but if they don't want to spend time with you I'd let it go. Sounds like your ds is very lucky with his other gps.

TrillianAstra · 02/06/2010 11:43

If they have one set of involved grandparents then that is a lot more than plenty of children, so no need to feel sorry for them. No need to see the very odd GPs either though. What does your DP make of this?

Coralanne · 02/06/2010 12:08

Are they really that bad?. They do sound a bit scatterbrained but they come from the time when people used to fill a container up with rice and give it to the DC,s to play with as a rattle.

If the lid had come off the dry rice would probably have choked them.

Most painted toys had lead in the paint.

God, there was probably a hundred things they did that are no longer acceptable.

Just bring them up to date with how things are today.

Each generation looks back in horror at what the previous generation did.

Goblinchild · 02/06/2010 12:14

In school, we used to make shakers by putting papier-mache over a lightbulb and then breaking the lightbulb. That was early '80s.
Made a lovely, tinkling sound.

D0G · 02/06/2010 12:20

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Coralanne · 02/06/2010 12:22

Goblinchild that's just what I mean. That used to be great fun. (My nephew also made them).

Maybe it's just another sign of the cotton wool society of today.

JennyPiccolo · 02/06/2010 12:36

my papa used to give us cider for breakfast when we stayed at his house (me about 7 and my brother 13).

violethill · 02/06/2010 12:37

I think you're over egging this.

Your OP says you feel 'really sorry' for your children over this, but you then go on to say that you see one set of grandparents on a daily basis, and your mum even looks after your son twice a week for you. The other set of grandparents sound a bit scatty, but quite frankly, your child is your child so you don't need to leave them with sole responsibility. Clearly you have some lovely days out with them.

Some children don't have any living grandparents at all. Or have ones they never see. So I don't think you'll get much sympathy for feeling 'sorry' for your kids.

Original poster
PrammyMammy · 02/06/2010 23:44

Coralannne i agree totally, it's a generation thing for sure, they done it not to be bad, but to give my ds pleasure, which is worrying too. But i'm not sure if they are really bad, because they have no time for us.

Lol violethill, i don't know what over 'egging' means sorry. But wouldn't you feel a bit sad if your ds asked to his gps were? Not even a little? I'm not looking for sympathy either.

OP posts:
D0G · 03/06/2010 08:13

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Original poster
PrammyMammy · 03/06/2010 09:23

DOG, how old is your dd1? It is sad isn't it, and it is very much the gp's loss.

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