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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider telling one friend what another friend thinks?

41 replies

kingnothing · 01/06/2010 12:23

Bit of background: I have a friend (friend A) who is adoptive mum to DD (3) and DS (1.5). She went to doctors for a checkup, and was surprised when the doc commented on DD's lovely red hair (friend A is quite dark brunette) by saying "Does she get her hair colour from her real mum?". Friend A is thickskinned and just said "I'm her real Mum, but her birth mother has red hair. Could you say birth mother, please, instead of "real"?" Doc replied by saying "It's a bit odd to quibble over terminology - a birth mother IS a real mother"
Anyway - long story short- friend A complained to PCT. Friend A said to me that she understands why people might not use the right descriptions, but was shocked that a doc could be so insensitive. She also said that she wonders how many other people don't see her as a "real mother" and told me that she would like people to be honest about their thoughts with her, as she is already telling her DD that she is adopted, and says it would help if she knew what people thought as she can arm herself with the right answers when around those people.
I was discussing the doctor's scenario with a mutual friend, friend B (who friend A had also told the story to) and friend B said to me that she thinks the doc had a point, that friend A is NOT her DC's real mum and she should just get used to it and carry on!
Now bearing in mind what friend A said about wanting to know - AIBU to think I should either
a) ask friend B to make her feelings known to friend A for the sake of helping with the telling of adoption (I doubt she will, though)
b) tell friend A myself
c) keep my sticky beak out

I genuinely need some advice on this one - we are all good friends and go back over 10 years!
help! and thanks for sticking with my post!

OP posts:
SkipHopJump · 01/06/2010 12:26

I think you should explain to friend B how friend A definitely IS the real mum, and see how she reacts.

GeneHuntsMistress · 01/06/2010 12:27

c) without a shadow of a doubt

thank your lucky stars you have a friend as wise and well adjusted as friend A, and thank them again that friend B has obviously never gone through the trauma of infertility and all it entails (otherwise she wouldt be such a ignorant twat).

but keep schtum, deffo.

werewolf · 01/06/2010 12:28

c)

Gigantaur · 01/06/2010 12:28

keep your nose out.

GeneHuntsMistress · 01/06/2010 12:28

sorry for lack of "n"s in that penultimate line

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/06/2010 12:29

Christ no, don't tell her anything of the sort.

She doesn't really need to take a poll of stupid opinions in order to tell her children about the adoption in due course. She'll have opinions thrust upon her in any case. Don't drive a wedge between two friends just because.

Morloth · 01/06/2010 12:30

cccccccccc!

overmydeadbody · 01/06/2010 12:31

c) obviously

What good could it possibly do to tell your friend A? It will only upset her.

The doctor has a point, it is just terminology. Some people will always have different opinions on adoption and terms for adoptive parents.

Original poster
kingnothing · 01/06/2010 12:32

yes - I'm tending towards keeping my nose out, because I'm a scaredy-cat and I don't like confrontation - but I am also a bit worried that friend b might jeopardise friend a's "telling" - I'm really quite cross with B, as A is obviously her DC's mum, and IMO has gone through 100 times as much pain to be a mum than me and B.

Thanks for the perspective so far, guys

OP posts:
Cretaceous · 01/06/2010 12:32

This sounds like some maths exam
a) = A + B fall out
b) = A + B fall out, and hate U
c) correct

SHJ also has a point!

ADriedFrogForTheBursar · 01/06/2010 12:34

I think c) too. I think friend A may think she wants to know what other people think but will find it does affect the way she behaves towards people if she knows they think like friend B. I think friend A needs to arm herself with a raft of responses to suit different levels of ignorance/nosiness she will encounter. It doesn't take a great deal of imagination to work out the sort of thing some people are going to ask:
'Couldn't you have children?'
'Are you in touch with the birth mother'
'Does dd know she is adopted'
and a whole host of other intrusive questions I'm sure.

sterrryerryoh · 01/06/2010 12:37

just from the perspective of an adoptive mum - I would prefer to know if any of my friends thought like your friend B. One does develop a v thick skin when adopting, and you come across some ridiculous opinions and thoughtless "terminology" - and you get used to it. BUT, when telling children about their adoption, it would be useful to know what friends really think as you can develop some fail-safe counterpoints. I don't really want to tell you what you should do - but I would want to know. If friend A is as well-adjusted as she sounds, she'll handle is and have some strategies to talk to friend B about it.
HTH

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 01/06/2010 12:45

C definitely. There is no point in telling her.

FWIW I call my birth dad my real dad to distinguish him from my far more important step-dad who I wish had been able to adopt me. It really is just terminology. I don't like saying 'real dad' as he's done no 'dadding' except sperm donation, but it's the simplest term.

Your friend A needs to keep trying to change attitudes quietly, but accept that people are not necessarily thinking that she isnt' a real mum just because the birth mother is referred to as the 'real mum'.

GetThePartyStarted · 01/06/2010 12:50

For the love of god do NOT get involved. No good will come of you telling A what B thinks.

Personally, I would as SkipHopJump says tell B that A is the real mum, as the real mum is the person who loves and looks after the child every day, and also tell her how hurtful it is to say something like that.

sterrryerryoh · 01/06/2010 12:51

just wanted to add to my post- it's quite easy to deal with strangers or acquaintances when they ask "daft" questions, and adopters are trained to arm themselves. When it's a close friend, though, that could be a bit trickier - as presumably she will be around A's DD - and A needs to ensure that people in DD's life are sensitive to the terminology.
My own FIL asked me if I get pregnant am I going to give DS back!? I'm glad he asked me while my DS is so tiny, as I've been able to talk to him and explain a few things - if my DS had been older and understood, then the consequences could have been quite damaging.
That said, however, adoptive families ARE different, and we're never going to be able to cover all bases!

Original poster
kingnothing · 01/06/2010 12:53

thanks everyone - it's v good to get these opinions. I might just have a friendly chat with B and tell her how A feels, and just see where that goes. But having read your answers - I'm not going to tell A

OP posts:
Feelingsensitive · 01/06/2010 12:53

C.

Nothing will be gained from telling her or getting involved. At the most if 'B' mentions it again you could say that you beleive A is her real mother as she looks after her.

wannaBe · 01/06/2010 12:55

But it is just terminology. It doesn't mean that those who use it think that your friend isn't a mother to her children.

Fwiw I have friends who were adopted and they all talk about their "real parents" when talking about birth parents.

sterrryerryoh · 01/06/2010 13:03

it isn't just terminology though. It's important to make adopted children feel safe and permanent - particularly if they have attachment disorder as many adopted children do. I am my DS's mum, DH is his Dad, and he also has birth or biological parents. We dont use the word "real".
the adoptive parents do need to be able to retain those choices during something as sensitive and important as telling.

There used to be a trend of using "tummy mummy" and "forever mummy" - to highlight the permanence of the adoptive home - but most adopters that I know have dismissed this as horribly twee!

AMumInScotland · 01/06/2010 13:03

I certainly don't think you should tell A what B thinks - that would just cause problems, for no benefit.

But if you talk to A about this issue in general, then I think it would be fair to say that you know some other people don't think of adoptive parents as the "real mum" either, so she realises its quite a common idea. Some people are very insensitive and just don't get why a "real mum" is not the same thing as a "birth mum", but it doesn't necessarily mean that they think less of your friend's parenting or committment, just that they don't see why the words are insulting.

Original poster
kingnothing · 01/06/2010 13:05

That's really good advice AMumInScotland. Thank you

OP posts:
sterrryerryoh · 01/06/2010 13:06

you know, AMumInScotland, I think you've got that bang on!

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 01/06/2010 13:07

You are just using different definitions of 'real'.

wannaBe · 01/06/2010 13:14

But your friend will need to be open to the fact that some people do use these terms because her children will come across them as they grow up, and there are bound to be instances where children talk about real parents as opposed to adoptive parents.

Original poster
kingnothing · 01/06/2010 13:18

I think sterry said it right, wannabe, when she said that it's different between casual acquaintances and really close friends that you'd want to count on? Just musing

OP posts: