to consider telling one friend what another friend thinks?

[kingnothing]

Bit of background: I have a friend (friend A) who is adoptive mum to DD (3) and DS (1.5). She went to doctors for a checkup, and was surprised when the doc commented on DD's lovely red hair (friend A is quite dark brunette) by saying "Does she get her hair colour from her real mum?". Friend A is thickskinned and just said "I'm her real Mum, but her birth mother has red hair. Could you say birth mother, please, instead of "real"?" Doc replied by saying "It's a bit odd to quibble over terminology - a birth mother IS a real mother"
Anyway - long story short- friend A complained to PCT. Friend A said to me that she understands why people might not use the right descriptions, but was shocked that a doc could be so insensitive. She also said that she wonders how many other people don't see her as a "real mother" and told me that she would like people to be honest about their thoughts with her, as she is already telling her DD that she is adopted, and says it would help if she knew what people thought as she can arm herself with the right answers when around those people.
I was discussing the doctor's scenario with a mutual friend, friend B (who friend A had also told the story to) and friend B said to me that she thinks the doc had a point, that friend A is NOT her DC's real mum and she should just get used to it and carry on!
Now bearing in mind what friend A said about wanting to know - AIBU to think I should either
a) ask friend B to make her feelings known to friend A for the sake of helping with the telling of adoption (I doubt she will, though)
b) tell friend A myself
c) keep my sticky beak out

I genuinely need some advice on this one - we are all good friends and go back over 10 years!
help! and thanks for sticking with my post!

Update: I've had a chat with B (not a telling-her-what-to-do chat, just a nice coffee and opinions chat) and she is going to talk to A, and ask her lots of questions, and support her. She says she still thinks the same way, but will be open to using A's favoured terminology. Thanks MNers!
Also- sterrryerryoh - "tummy mummy"!Yeuch!

that's good kingnothing. maybe you could also say to B that if it's just a case of terminology - does she use the "N" word to describe black people? That's just terminology right? no - it's hugely offensive and sickening - maybe she would think twice about "just terminology" if you use that analogy??

sorry i dont think i put that very well - im not for a moment suggesting that word is correct name for anything, just trying (badly ) to show that words are not just words, they can and do offend greatly.

I'm with skiphopjump - friend !A" IS the real mum to her dd and ds - they would be devastated to have her referred to as "not being your real mum" when older. Breaks my dd's heart - people are stupid and thoughtless and need educating.

I like reading posts like yours, GeneHuntsMistress (fab name!) - if we want to change the way things are thought about/referred to/discussed, then we do have to let people know that some ways of describing situations/people are not acceptable. I don't believe it is acceptable to describe a birth parent as a "real one" in the case of the OP (especially by a healthcare professional) - I wouldn't consider it offensive, but it does need to change if adoptive families are to normalise
Thank you

sterrryerryoh, i thought you meant your FIL had said that as a joke at first

hey britfish - unfortunately not!

oh phew, sterrry thank you for understanding where i was coming from, i thought my last post would get jumped on for using that analogy, but really the fact is that we should really think about how we refer to people as it can be hugely hurtful.

oh my god - you put the hex on me!! phone just rang and dd's real mum is 20 mins away with her neice (dd's birth cousin and HER baby) who dd has never met before!

clean clean tidy tidy oh yummy baby on its way to be tickled!

That's awful maryz!
Changing terminology one person at a time, her?

"hey" that should have said, not "her"

Well, that was cool, dd met her bio cousin and her baby, but they just feel nothing LOL

I also noticed I didn't put "marks" around "real" on my previous post - duh.

I thought your use of "real" was a bit given what you'd previously said! Haha.
Was that the first time they'd met, QOD? How was it for you?

c). But make your peace with the fact that friend B is a twat. HTH.

Nah, her bio mum and I were close friends (dd is a surro babe ) but she moved away when dd was about 18mths, however, her sister, and HER kids live about 8 miles away from me. We've never really x'd paths - dd isnt bothered by it, she liked entertaining the wee baby!