mother in law

[redblue]

mother in law travelled a very long distance (yorkshire to near london) for the day yesterday to see (primarily) our three week old and our 18 month old.
I really appreciate the effort she went to to come all that way, she bought gifts and was nice and chatty to me.
But she is fairly old school and either she thinks she is being diplomatic and not interferring by "leaving" both children with me or she thinks it is a right of passage, she had to go through it so so should I and sometimes I detect a bit of "standing back and judging" me.
Things my husband has told me make me think that although she was a very organised and conscientious mum and what she says suggests she likes children, infact her main concern was that the house was spotless at all times.
Anyway after a few cuddles with both children when my 18 month old went down for a nap she and my son went out in the garden aand next thing i knew she was calling thro the window to me "we are going to do some weeding, you don't mind do you?". I said no ddon't mind except that i didn't want her to feel obliged to do it. An hour and three quarters later they are still doing weeding, my daughter has woken and I call out the front door to my husband (with my daughter in my arms) "are you coming in for a drink" which was half saying "i need your help now both kiddies are up and little one wants feeding again". MIL was there. My husband ssays we will be in in a minute, but 25 minutes later they both come in, meanwhile I have been trying to entertain both children in our bedroom so as not to disturb MIL's partner who was sitting in the living room. Husband acts a bit frosty towards me - paranoid side of me thinks that even if she didn't say anything to him the message was "let your wife get on with it, it is her job". As soon as MIL leaves husband changes to being "nice" to me again. Overall made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. The next day (today) thinking it is all must me being hormonal and a bit emotional (only 3 weeks since the birth) or if not that, that iit is minor, we only see MIL about twice a year and I should ignore it, there was no confrontation with MIL so no harm done. Whether I should take it up with my husband is another matter. Am i being unreasonable / hormonal?

sorry redblue again, when I said "she and my son went out in the garden" above i meant she and her son (i.e. she and my husband)

My MIL is similar. Whereas my own mother will drop everything and actually play with the children, MIL feels that she has to do something "useful" whenever she is here.
So she irons. Great. And then tries to wash up. And indeed goes out in the garden and starts weeding despite being barely able to kneel down.
It's all very well but it does make me feel that judgment is being passed on the state of the place.
But she doesnt seem to regard occupying the children as being useful, sadly...

What is it you want your MIL to do? Did you want her to look after the children while you did something else?

If you want your MIL or your husband to do something, I think you are going to need to ask them straight out, rather than hint by saying things like "are you coming in for a drink?"

And absolutely don't let your MIL's partner make you uncomfortable in your own home! So what if he is sitting in the living room? Your children are entitled to use it too - if your MIL's partner is uncomfortable being in the presence of small children, send him out the front to weed the verge.

I know it can be a bit difficult and hormonal-feeling about 3 weeks after you have given birth, but it sounds as if your family need some direction from you - they don't appear to be trying to annoy you, they just don't seem to know HOW to help you best, IYSWIM. Best of luck!

My mother in law does this kind of stuff, too, and it does drive me nuts, though I do get on really well with her. I've learned not to ask her to babysit for us if we are going to be home (we are fixing up our house, and used to ask MIL to come watch the kids while we did DIY stuff, rather than send them out for the day). If we are at home, even if she is officially 'in charge' she won't do a thing. I still end up making lunches, putting down for naps, etc...she sits on the settee 'supervising'.

Same when the kids were much smaller; DD is only 15 months younger than DS, and she came over a lot (she llives close), but never to help. She comes now every few weeks and spends the night with us, which is lovely, but I have just learned that she will not help with anything...no cooking, picking up, helping with dishes, etc. I just try and smile and know how much my DCs love her!

So sorry...I have no advice, but wanted to commiserate!!

maybe she wanted time alone with her son and weeding together they got some time?

i wouldn't stress and if you only see her twice a year i imagine she needs to catch up with her son. iykwim

cat64 you are right. three weeks after birth the weeds in the garden are the thing which most worries me. i anticipate your response to this is why should your mil have to worry about what concerns you most three weeks after birth. the truth is that she came to see her son and spending 2.5 hours sorting out the garden in her sons property with her son is reasonable especially considering she only sees him twice a year. But the real truth of your post is "many mums of new babies (plus a toddler) appreciate being left in peace for a while" - couldnt agree more so next time she is coming let me go out for the day (or longer if needs be)with my two children and she can garden with her son to her hearts content. Dont get me wrong I am delighted for mil and husband to be with and see both or either children whenever they like. But if babies are just the warm up entertainment to her visit and my husband decides he agrees with mil whilst she is here and the children are out of sight out of mind for 2.5 hours with no obligation on him even to pop in the house for 1 second after say 2 hours to see whether nap time continues then you will have to accept my v unreasonable feelings of dread and resentment when she visits and makes me feel like i am cramping her style and burdening her son with unreasonable responsibilities in having had his two children relatively recently

So, she came all the way from Yorkshire to London - for the day! That's one hell of a journey and suggests to me that your family is very important to her.

She was chatty and nice and brought gifts. Which suggests to me that she thinks a lot of you all and enjoys spending time with you.

'What she says suggests she likes children' and she cuddled them both and spent time with them until nap time. Which pretty much suggests that she loves them and enjoys spending time with them doesn't it?!

She asked if you minded her weeding. Which suggests she wanted to help you and didn't want to step on your toes.

I am honestly struggling to see the problem here. Unless there's a load of back history you haven't put in? She sounds like a nice lady who was trying not to interfere too much or impose too much either. Possibly you've made yourself feel uncomfortable in your own home?? Why would your FIL be 'disturbed' if you went in the living room?

I am confused, why did it matter if MIL's partner was disturbed, they were visiting you and the kids. If you wanted DH's help, why not just say, I need your help?

Not really seeing why your felt uncomfortable. Be more direct, all this passive stuff just confuses everyone.

But what did you want her to do OP? The day you described sounds quite nice to me, how is she to know there was a problem if you didn't tell her, and why are you cross with her and not DH for not helping you?

Agree with Morloth. Maybe your husband assumed you'd give him a shout if you needed him? Maybe your MIL picked up on the feelings of dread and resentment coming off you and made herself scarce whilst still trying to help in some way.

Now I'm pretty passive but even I would have just called DH in if I needed help!

Sounds like YABU but, having said that, I understand why it irritated you.

She is probably just doing what she would have liked her MIL to do when she was a young mum.

I know I have found some of my MIL's ways difficult to deal with but I have, finally, just come to the conclusion that we are very different people and I am sure she finds my ways odd!

I dare not drag up all my MIL/FIL angst from when my DS was small, for fear of getting angry and overwhelmingly disappointed again. All I can say is just try and accept them for who they are and their ways, it took me a very long time to do this with mine and I totally resent the time I wasted on it now.

I agree - 'are you coming in for a drink?' isn't much of a clue to what you really wanted.

Mils really cannot win can they!

As you did not tell her (or DH) there was a problem then how were they supposed to know. DH is her son as much as your DC are her grandchildren and she probably enjoyed spending time with him whilst older DC was asleep. DH could have come in at any point as well. I don't Mil had him tied to the weeds!

As for Mil's partner - did you ask him if he minded being disturbed or was he sat it living room wondering why he had been left on his own!

As others have said - alot of people would have complained if Mil had just taken over with the children

I can't quite see the problem myself, I see so many people on here complaining that their mils interfere too much with their dc, but you are hormonal, so I can't say yabu, for now!

I think you needed to be clearer with your dh though when you needed his help, and maybe try to grit your teeth and be a little more involved when they visit, so you don't feel excluded? I would hate to feel as though I couldn't spend time with my ds when he is older, because it might upset his dw.

Also don't understand why you kept out of fil's way, it is your house!

A) You probably just needed to be a bit clearer with your husband.
B) Whether you had a guest in the living room or not, it is your living room and you should use it if you want to. Don't behave like a stranger in your own house.
C) My Mil has always come in, sat down and expected to be waited on, interaction with dcs goes only as far as talking to them.
D) Congratulations on your new arrival, don't stew on this issue, talk it over with with H but make sure, with his support, it doesn't happen again.

YABU she came to visit her grandchildren and spend time with them not to 'babysit' your children their your responsibility she's done her child raising now is her time for enjoying them.
Your issues with your DH and separate and nothing to do with your ILs they shouldn't be being blamed your your DH actions and behavior.

To me this sounds like a bit of a problem with your DH, in that you perceive his behaviour towards you alters when his mum is there. Sometimes a person can behave perfectly reasonably and yet still give off vibes of disaproval. I am thinking that this is how you feel about your MIL, but because she hasn't actually done something out of place you can't express what it is that you are unhappy about. I think you should say to your DH that you feel she disaproves of you asking him for help with the DC and did she say anything to this effect. Tell him that you accept it might all be in your imagination BUT you felt that he was a bit 'off' with you during her visit and if that was the case then you would like to remind him that he is as resp for the dc as you are. Caring for them is not solely your job. I agree that you should be specific when you need his help - not assume that he will guess and if I was you I wouldn't hide out of the way when PIL visit. It's your home and you should behave in the way you want. Be quietly assertive

redblue - I do understand what you mean about getting the feeling that you 'detect a bit of "standing back and judging" me'.

I really get that impression from my MIL too! She had loads of kids and we only have two. I also know some of the criticisms she makes of the other DILs so I shudder to think what she says about me even though she hadn't until recently said anything to my face.

I did find out after the last trip that she had told someone that she believed us having a 2nd child was a mistake as she didn't believe we were up to it. (That someone being my new nanny, and this was one of the nicer comments she had made..... grrrr).

So often it's not anything that you can put your finger on, or describe in writing (to all the other helpful MNetters) but you can sense it. I thought I was being a bit sensitive at first, but after awhile I realised that no, my instincts were spot on and MIL was being a right royal cow, it became more overt over time - and what is truly sad is that we had children after being married for quite a few years and for those years my MIL and I got along really well.

My MIL was forced to do everything herself with 3 children because FIL worked 7 days a week when they were little and assumes I should do the same even when DH is around.

On Sunday, DH and DS went to visit her while I stayed home with a sleeping DD. They stayed for a couple of hours, she made them a fry up and he fixed her PC. When they got home - she skype-d him to chat some more. I wasn't bothered about this until DD (who DH was holding at the time) filled her nappy. I heard DH say "hang on Mum, I need to change DD's nappy" to which MIL replied "is Al not there?" - 'cause obviously it's always my job!!

Fell even more in love with DH when I heard him respond "I can change nappies too Mum!"

He did it while still chatting to her, she just couldn't see him as well!!

I think sometimes the problem is that roles were different when they had their kids and they lived their lives accordingly and it became their "normal". These days men are expected to take a much bigger role in their children's upbringing - must seem very strange to the MILs.

It sounds like you have just decided that no matter what she says or does you are going to take offence and feel judged.

I can't see what she did wrong at all, or your DH for that matter.

Maybe visits will be easier when you're more in the swing of things, it's very early days yet.

maybe your DH was looking forward to seeing his mum. You say you only see her about twice a year and this was only a day visit so does he only see his mum about 2 days a year? Maybe he felt you grudged him this time, how often a year do you see your mum or family? It doesn't sound that she did anything wrong TBH and she had travelled a long way just to see you all. Imagine yourself in her position, 20 or 30 yrs in the future - only seeing you DC a few days a year and their partner coming over precious or resentful.

I'd put this down to your only having given birth, exhaustion, homones etc - or I would think YABVU.

thanks faerie07 your comments help
i think the problem is as much with my husband as my MIL but I struggle to separate them when they are together because they are similar types of personality and, whilst he is not a mummys boy and does not actively try to see her often or make a big fuss about preparations when she is coming to visit when she is here I know he admires and respects her thoughts and the way she does things. All of which is fine. I cannot stress enough that I am happy for both or either of them to be as much a part of the childrens life as they want to be and he is a good dad and it would be a great loss if he stopped doing what he does for our two babies. I guess it is that since baby 1 was born I have sensed with husband a bit of "you can have babies provided you can cope with them yourself, go back to work and make sure you are earning as much as you can whilst organising nursery / childcare etc and the day to day arrangements impact on me as little as possible" type thing. His role has been more "fun dad" playing with the children after they are fed and cleaned by me. And I have probably exacerbated this situation (if it exists and is not just in my imagination) by trying to do it all. And then MIL turns up and her behaviour to me just reinforces that by taking her son off for a sufficiently long time that I start to feel in the way. But at the moment I don't have the energy to be assertive let alone talk to him about it (it is a long standing dynamic which has not been solved and probably wont be whilst we have small children). Sometimes I just wish he would go and stay with his mother for a holiday or that I could go on holiday and let him have his mother to stay as a holiday for him (or he goes on holiday where ever) so I can get on with looking after my two babies without feeling in his way (or in the way of mother in law who is kind enough to do something practical about our garden which is not as perfect as her garden is - she is retired).

Redblue - hormones, hormones, hormones, hormones , especially having read your last post! I would let it go and settle down, because a few words at the most sensitive time hormonally for you could do unintended damage. Maybe if in future, a problem arises then deal with it at the time, but right now, I honestly do believe that hormonal emotions are interfering with your judgement: you are only 3 weeks away from having given birth.