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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel a little bit disappointed in my friend?

32 replies

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:24

I have just looked after a friend's children for the last three nights (from 6pm Friday-5pm Monday) whilst they went away for a long weekend. She's not a particularly close friend, I've known her for just over a year, sometimes I see quite a lot of her, but since last December I've only seen her twice. We have children of similar ages who get on quite well.

I made a flippant offer to have the children for this time about a year ago, but no more came of it. When we last spoke about it, her parents had agreed to have them. At the last minute her parents had to back out as her dad was ill. So she asked me, I agreed, no problems.

So, I haven't had the easiest weekend. My husband is away at the moment, so I'm by myself at home with my two children. Both of her children were quite homesick, so bedtimes weren't easy. One of the children woke up at least once every night. They got up early, and in doing so woke up my youngest who normally sleeps late. I let my eldest go downstairs and watch TV for a couple of hours before I get up usually. As a result I've been up at 5am for the last 3 days. We've had a really full busy weekend, for which my friend left money to cover her kids expenses. I obviously fed them out of my own pocket, and provided masses of drinks and snacks.

There has been the offer of a reciprocated weekend if I ever needed it, but TBH I would never leave my children with somebody who didn't know them that well. Nothing wrong with leaving kids per se, but I'd leave mine with my parents or my MIL, and would probably have cancelled the weekend rather than leave them with a friend rather than v.close friend of the family or family.

So... all things considered, (and thanks for getting to the end of all this) would you have turned up to pick your children up completely empty handed? I gave back the money left over from their spending money, and had accounted for every penny so hadn't taken any extra. I truly expected a massive bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. Perhaps even to be asked what perfume I'd like from the duty free. I got nothing but a thankyou. AIBU to be disappointed, or is it just me that would have bought flowers for a couple of hours childcare, never mind three nights?

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 31/05/2010 18:26

I am very surprised you didn't get a present

you are a wonderful friend

ohnoherewego · 31/05/2010 18:28

Maybe she wants to buy you something really nice rather than something she just picked up en route in the duty free so will pop round in a day or 2 with a gift. But if after a few days she hasn't shown her appreciation YANBU.

PortiaNovmerriment · 31/05/2010 18:28

No, that sounds a bit rude. But I wouldn't have offered in the first place.

Hullygully · 31/05/2010 18:28

I would have expected a big old kiss and a bottle of champers at the very least.

ChunkyBrewster · 31/05/2010 18:29

That is very very rude. I buy chocolates and wine when friends babysit for a couple of hours. Some people are ill mannered.

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2010 18:29

you might get a flower delivery next week?

susssiq · 31/05/2010 18:32

know what you mean and YANBU though my friend whose kids I have looked after lots hasn't even offered to have my in return.

Heifer · 31/05/2010 18:32

Crikey, my "friend" again, not someone I know that well but our daughters are in the same class asked me to look after her DD (6) for 1 night and all the next day as she had to fly home to visit sick mother.

The DH arrived to pick up their DD with a bottle of Rose and a huge pack of smoked salmon.

and that was only after 1 day, so you are def NBU.

Original poster

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:34

ohnoherewego - Fingers crossed! Or I think this may sour a lovely friendship. We've no arrangements to meet up again any time soon, certainly not this week, so I doubt it.

Thanks everyone else. I am perhaps guilty of being overly generous at times, but I feel really taken advantage of right now.

OP posts:

plonker · 31/05/2010 18:35

Why did you agree to have the children?

Yes, perhaps the polite thing to do would be to bring you a bunch of flowers or a nice bottle of wine, but really, you offered to help and she took you up on the offer. She has paid her children's way and has said she will reciprocate the offer so it isn't as though she whisked her children off without a backward glance.

You sound like to resent it to me tbh. Maybe you need to think twice before you offer again, flippantly or not.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/05/2010 18:37

My sister looked after her friend's 2 children two nights while her & her dh were on a skiing holiday.

They arrived home & give them vouchers to stay at a local spa for two nights & an evening meal!

I had my sister's kids that weekend...needless to say I got a swift 'thanks' and no vouchers! lol but that's what family is all about, friends can't take advantage the same way imo!

capstone · 31/05/2010 18:44

Sorry but I think YABU. I'm assuming she plans to reciprocate when she can, and doesn't expect flowers and chocolates from you at that time.

Personally I find it a bit wearing when you have to keep exchanging gifts with friends instead of just enjoying each other's company and doing one another favours now and again.

Original poster

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:44

No, don't resent it at all. Was happy to have helped. When I originally made the offer, I presumed my DH would be here, but as it transpired he is now away for a while. I also presumed it would be for two nights rather than three.

I can't imagine any of my other friends not getting 'something' to say thankyou though, and that is all that I wanted. Some acknowledgement that it was quite a difficult weekend for me. I'm now absolutely exhausted, have a sore throat and a headache, but most of all, feel really sad.

I've looked after children for friends before and felt exactly the same afterwards. With one child I watched a 20min episode of Brum continuously for about 6 hours through the night. No problems as there was a happy child at the end of it, and I felt appreciated by the parents for what I'd done.

OP posts:

plonker · 31/05/2010 18:46

Did she say thank you?

RunawayWife · 31/05/2010 18:48

YANBU she is a bit rude and TBH a bit of a user to leave her children for 3 nights with someone they do not know well

Original poster

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:49

But there are absolutely no plans for reciprocation. I have been away several times lately, and would never ever have considered asking her to help, even when I had a childcare emergency, she didn't even cross my mind.

Agree about the constant crossing of presents, but actually, I quite like it! I get more flowers from friends than DH, and that's lovely and fine by me.

OK, this friend is completely out of that circle of people that always buy gifts, so perhaps didn't even cross her mind. I think only her parents have ever had them before, so maybe she didn't think of it.

OP posts:

LoveBeing34 · 31/05/2010 18:50

Yanbu, I can't imagine not taking something.

LoveBeing34 · 31/05/2010 18:51

Even more so because it was a last minute type thing as well!

unltd · 31/05/2010 18:52

There was a thread today about a nanny who charged £630.00 for 2 nights

Your friend got a good deal then

Original poster

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:53

Plonker - yes, she did say thankyou.

Am going to try to get past this as she is lovely and the children get on well. Will presume that reciprocation only is the expected thing in her circle of friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouChoose · 31/05/2010 18:55

unltd - unfortunately I read that thread this morning, and that was what got me thinking!

OP posts:

sunshiney · 31/05/2010 18:58

Nope, yanbu.

Flippin cheek not to give you a gift. I know you're not meant to do things for a gift.

But a gift is the socially acceptible way to show appreciation. You really put yourself out for her.

capstone · 31/05/2010 18:59

But perhaps she might well be willing to help in the future and is hoping you'll ask, so things can be reciprocal?

"even when I had a childcare emergency, she didn't even cross my mind"

SquigletPie · 31/05/2010 19:00

I am guessing from your post You Choose that perhaps her verbal 'thank you' wasn't sincere?
Otherwise I don't think gifts are necessary provided the thanks are genuine and the offer to reciprocate is genuine.

Butterbur · 31/05/2010 19:03

YABU.

She probably thinks her offer of reciprocation is enough. She doesn't know you're never going to take it up.

I once did school runs for a friend for 2 months while a broken bone healed, and I was mighty pissed off to get bloody flowers rather than the two months of lie ins I was expecting.

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