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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being petty about this? You decide.

56 replies

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 11:44

I have a lap top. I have managed to keep the existance of this lap top secret from my ex h for over a year now. We also had a family pc so it never really was a problem. Now the family pc is broken and can't replace it right now so ds big gob is using my lap top and has told ex h that I have it. I have not confirmed this just blanked him when ex asks about it.

My problem is this. When we were together ex h had a drink and gambling problem and pawned all our stuff on various occasions, wedding and engagement rings, tv's, Wii, Playstations etc. This is the reason I kept the lap top hidden.

Now he knows I have it he keeps moaning about how petty I am being not letting him use it when he comes round to spend time with the kids (I know everyone will say why is he spending time at yours etc, etc but he has to atm) and how he needs to be able contact me on MSN re kids etc.

So AIBU denying its existance and also refusing to allow him to use it?

OP posts:

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 27/05/2010 12:07

in which case self, remind them all why they no longer have a Wii or a Playstation.

YANBU.

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:11

Yes, I suppose he knows now so just keep refusing to discuss it is the only way forward until he gets fed up with it.

The thing is I protected them from all of his pawning antics by replacing the stuff before they even realised it had gone, the tv I couldn't but just said it had broken and used an old one of my parents (ex eventually got it out of pawn - What A Star! and therefore believes he didn't actually do anything wrong!) I didn't want them to know their Dad was such a twunt.

OP posts:

ninedragons · 27/05/2010 12:14

If I were you, I'd borrow one of those engraving pens from the police station and put my name in giant letters right across the front, to make it worthless to a pawnbroker.

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:17

Oh what a great idea ninedragons I could do it on everything we own. I didn't even know you could do that. Do all police stations have them then?

OP posts:

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 27/05/2010 12:18

You need to change your name to Selflesslaptopuser in that case

clam · 27/05/2010 12:18

I've now established a blanket ban on my laptop for anyone else in the house to use, but that's coz it's a work machine. DH is similarly anal protective about his. Shame you can't use this excuse but, actually, I don't think you need an excuse. "Sorry, no" should be enough.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/05/2010 12:18

Ninedragons isn't wrong, you know.

Why does he have to see them at yours? Did he pawn his flat?

RunawayWife · 27/05/2010 12:22

YANBU at all, do not let him use it.
If he is at yours to see his kids he should be doing stuff with them not playing with a lap top

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:24

no didn't pawn his flat, had it repossessed (yes, this man is a complete STAR ladies!) and he lives in a shared house with 3 other men, which I don't think is a suitable environment for them and neither does he to be fair.

I do wonder though if I am protecting my dc too much from his selfish fuckwittedness. Do kids need to know that kind of thing albeit the watered down version? Will they be doubly disappointed later when he lets them down? This something I do wonder about.

OP posts:

sungirltan · 27/05/2010 12:26

yanbu. exh sounds like a brat

QSnondomicile · 27/05/2010 12:26

sorry but LOL at him needing to sit in YOUR sitting room to keep in touch with the children via MSN....

That is just so....
farking stupid!

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:29

no he wants to able to contact me via MSN when he is away at work as he has no credit for his PAYG phone so can't ring me (and no money to buy any).

I swear by all that is holy this is all true.

OP posts:

faerie07 · 27/05/2010 12:33

I don't think you should HIDE what your exH is like from the DC. Would you want to risk them losing something of value if they do visit him (when/if he eventually gets his own place again)?

Don't go on and on about it, but make a point of saying to your exH in FRONT of the DC 'Sorry I lost too many items because of your drink and gambling problems, the trust is no longer there. No you cannot use X, Y or Z'.

If he gets upset that you brought it up in front of the DC just let him know that if he keeps badgering you about these things, then you will keep bringing it up. His choice.

stealthsquiggle · 27/05/2010 12:38

Did you used to let him MSN you via family PC? IIWY I would be deeply uncomfortable with him knowing when you are online. If he needs to contact you he can find the money for a top-up (let's face it, if he found £5 then that would be plenty of text messages to keep him going)

How old are your DC? Are they old enough to understand that since you and XH are no longer together, you don't want him using your stuff even if you occasionally let them use it?

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:43

They are 7 and 4. I did used to let him MSN me when on family pc but would click appear offline to him as soon as finished talking.

I do think they will eventually have to have some awareness of what he can be like but it is very sad for them. Apparently though he is all changed now and just needs some help to get back on his feet. Whatever.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/05/2010 12:49

It's nice weather recently, can he not spend time outdoors with them? Shouldn't be inside playing computer games on the computer.

I wouldn't push it yet, with the awareness thing. And now he knows about the lappy so the MSN thing is taken care of (is there no work phone he could use, though?). There's really no reason he should ever use it. Just tell him there's a No Screen Time During Daylight Hours rule in force, or something.

Assume he's not over yours for dinner eating shit pie anyway?

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 12:55

No, where did that thread go anyway? bizarre.

I think it all more about him not being able to bear me having something he has not got access to.

OP posts:

ninedragons · 27/05/2010 12:58

I think so. When I lived in the UK I was forever getting leaflets in the post saying the police had engraving pens you could use to mark your property with your name, postcode or driver's licence number.

South London is not the most salubrious of neighbourhoods, though, so it might just have been a local initiative!

Actually I've just looked on eBay and they're cheap as anything - 2.50 here.

I think you're being admirable sheltering your DS from the reality of your ex's character, but you need to protect your property. It wouldn't be covered by your insurance if he took it because he would have been in your house legitimately (as I found when a plumber stole a diamond and sapphire ring - not covered because we'd invited him)

ninedragons · 27/05/2010 13:01

Why not tell him to get a crappy old 1998 box of a computer from Freecycle or Freegle or whatever it's called now? No reason he needs to use your snazzy little laptop.

oiteach · 27/05/2010 13:06

He says "wouldn't it be nice if we played this game on your mum's laptop"

You say " sorry ds, my laptop is not a toy, we only use it for school work/my private use and that is only at xx time isn;t it."

And make sure your son knows that laptop0 is only used at certain times which are rather conveniently not when your ex is there.

Re the MSN, I can see the issue if he can't contact you when away because of his lack of funds, but, I bet he can afford to buy a newspaper/an occasional beer/some cigarettes??. If he can afford occasional small treats he can afford a tenner to top up his phone and only use for texting you if he needs to about the children.

What he really means is; "I can't afford to top up my phone because I waste the credit on talking shite to mates etc".

Not your problem. If he wants to contact you he must facilitate that. You are not obliged at all to be available on MSN for him to IM you when he wants to.
He is an adult. Treat him like one and absolve yourself of any responsibility for HIS behaviour and choices.

Original poster

Selfishlaptopuser · 27/05/2010 13:15

Well I am going to order than engraving pen. That is a great idea AND I am going to put on everything "please do not accept for pawn this item is STOLEN!"

He has got a computer at his own place, that works perfectly fine and has access to computer at work where spends most of his time.

He just wants access to mine too. He can't stand anyone having anything he hasn't. His sister gave me a cinema voucher for my birthday, enough for two films and popcorn etc and when he heard he said "oh great enough on there for us each to go and see something!" WTF?

I am trying to keep this all amicable for sake of dc but he is so very trying.

Like you say oiteach I am going to pretend he is an adult and treat him like one. He really is brat, just as someone said earlier in the thread.

OP posts:

lazarusb · 27/05/2010 16:47

Tell him to do one!

lifeistough · 27/05/2010 17:00

Do you really want your ex looking through your personal stuff on your laptop? he'd probably be looking at your internet history, trying to find out your passwords etc, no way, just tell him it's private and nothing to do with him.

BritFish · 27/05/2010 17:37

dont let him anywhere near it, and hide it when he's in the house. he sounds like a complete child! if he wants to contact the kids when he works away, he should ask the company for a company phone or laptop, or better still, use the money he earns from working away to put credit on his phone!
if he's got a stable job hed be sooo much better going on contract btw. that means he cant spend the money on other stuff, because its all going through by direct debit each month, and he can have a 'magic number' for the kids!

even my husband doesnt get to use my laptop, its MINE damnit, he's got his own, and when he breaks it from overuse its his fault!

diddl · 27/05/2010 19:04

Many laptops aren´t all that good for games anyway are they?
(Or is it just ours?)

YANBU!

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