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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be miffed at someone still not doing school runs 6 months after having baby no 4?

40 replies

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:23

Have name changed as could be easily indentifed.

Background - friendly with woman who gave birth to child no 4 at beginning of December last year. Agreement had been in place since September that she would do morning school run and I would do evenings. I asked her when no 4 came along (after the baby was born) if it would be easier if I made arrangements for my own child to go with someone else in the mornings and had actually managed to find a place at a breakfast club. She was adamant that she didn't want that to happen and everything would be ok and was insistent that I cancel the breakfast club place. Another friend since then has been roped into doing the morning run since then. Which is fine and dandy but original woman has made no effort to do school run and expects other arrangements to be made when this woman can't do it. I can no longer do the mornings as I have to be at work. She lives near me and her kids are in my house all the time, they practically lived here last summer from morning til night with food thrown in. I dread every holiday as I know the children will want to come in and play (we have a trampoline etc). I feel horrible when I say no. She does as little as possible and plays the woe is me card all the time. I do lots for her and have the children when she needs to go out etc but I am starting to feel used and put upon.

As far as I am aware there is no pnd. She just wants everyone to do all the running around whilst she swans about shopping, going to the gym (has a creche) or visting her mother (a sprightly 50 year old).

OP posts:

traceybath · 27/05/2010 11:25

Just book breakfast club place and tell her your dc wants to go there as her friends go.

And then distance yourself.

scurryfunge · 27/05/2010 11:25

You need to be blunt if she is taking advantage of your good nature. Tell her how you feel.

comewhinewithme · 27/05/2010 11:26

Nobody thought I had PND either.

Plumm · 27/05/2010 11:27

Make different arrangements for your children's morning run and don't let her children come over to play every day (or send them home for their food, at the very least).

faerie07 · 27/05/2010 11:28

Definitely book the breakfast club place, and also book a few after school activities (even if only short term) and say that you can't collect her children after school anymore.

bumpsoon · 27/05/2010 11:33

Whilst its quite possible that this lady is just taking the piss ,have you thought about checking with her that she isnt suffering from PND ? if she isnt do as others have suggested .

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:35

Some good ideas here, will definately try to use them. I do think I will to get my child in the breakfast club for September and that will get round the morning issue at least. Unfortunately it is not in my nature to be blunt, I am no good at confrontation and will likely cry and make an idiot of myself and end up apologising!

OP posts:

Altinkum · 27/05/2010 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:39

I truly don't think PND is the issue, she just wants everyone to run around for her whilst she does her own thing. An example is that her dh is off on holiday next week but my dh who is working has to take her kids and mine to an activity, it is out of the way and will make my dh late for work, she knows all this but my dh is still expected to do it whilst her and him do nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:40

The activity thing is our own fault we should have just said no.

OP posts:

Trafficcone · 27/05/2010 11:42

I had severe PND but took it out of myself and not my children. School runs were still done exactly as they would have been if i'd not been suffering.
Depression is an illness, not an excuse for laziness.

motherlovebone · 27/05/2010 11:43

you have to talk to HER about it.

even if PND is the issue, you have gone above and beyond what you agreed and she needs to sort something else or you will end up bloody depressed!

i would give her 2 weeks to make alternative arrangements.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/05/2010 11:43

PND is not an reason for everyone else to run around after your kids.

OP, I would book the out of school club and stop providing free child care. I would always help a friend in need but this is taking the piss imo.

potoftea · 27/05/2010 11:46

I'd avoid confronting her if you feel you won't deal with it properly.
Just distance yourself gradually, tell her you can't do the school run sharing anymore due to work, etc. And for heaven's sake don't feed her children when they come over. They'll move in if you let them.

Just because you have a trampoline doesn't mean your garden is a playground. You bought it so your dc can play happily in their own home. She can choose to do that if she wants. Just say no it's not a good time when they come round. Not every time, but enough times for you to feel in control again.

seeker · 27/05/2010 11:47

"visting her mother (a sprightly 50 year old)"

Don"t mean to hijack - but I have to say that you have just plunged me into gloom. I've just about got used to prime ministers being younger than me, but the thought that someone might refer to someone younger than me as "sprightly"......

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:50

Dh and I think she is taking the piss but I did begin to wonder if it was just us, it is winding me up in knots tbh. There is loads more I want to say and examples of me helping her out but if she read this it would definately indentify me to her!

I just dont have the balls to talk to her, though.

Will definately put into practice some of the other suggestions.

Thanks for all your help.

OP posts:

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 11:52

I am so sorry Seeker . I am plunging headaways to 50 myself. I just meant that she wasn't old and needed looking after etc.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/05/2010 11:56

Lol at 'sprightly'.

I raise you 'young at heart'

Billie - she is taking the mick rather. You do have to learn to say no, easier said than done I know.

UndomesticHousewife · 27/05/2010 11:57

The thing is, while I can totally sympathise because I was in a similar situation myself, if your dh doesn't say anything it will be expected. Tell her that your dh can't do it because he'll be late for work and would her or her dh do it. If she says no, well just take your own child and let her sort her own out.

As for having teh children over, it's nice to have them sometimes, but send them home for ther lunch or dinner.
And if you don't want them in say not today or send your kids to knock for them.

sorky · 27/05/2010 12:01

Just to add a different slant to it..

Whilst I agree that, from what you have posted, she does seem to be taking the piss, having 4 kids is utterly exhausting and it was at least 8 months before normal life began to resume for me.

I HE so don't have the school run to do, but can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be for me to get 4 kids out at that time in the morning with all the trappings of schoolbags etc AND I didn't even have PND!!!

I'm not making excuses for her, but might it be a case that if you haven't said anything to her and she's gotten used to you doing it, then she's less likely to make the move to saying "I'm happy to do the school run now"

Could she not do the afternoon pick up?

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 12:03

It was me who made the arrangement about my dh (who is seething as he was only expecting to take our own). I may have to lie and say he cant do it anymore....

OP posts:

Original poster

billiebluemates · 27/05/2010 12:06

There is a big age gap between her eldest two and the younger two, so the elder two get organised themselves. She doesn't take the eldest to school.

OP posts:

UndomesticHousewife · 27/05/2010 12:08

Put your child in the breakfast club. That's what suits you you cannot live your life according to this woman's wishes and childcare arrangements.
If you still want to do the evening pick up, fine but I would tell her a few times a week that your busy straight after school and cannot pick up.
If you are not using someone else to take your child then you feel less obliged to do the same. Start to distance yourself, you are not unpaid childcare.

JaxTellersOldLady · 27/05/2010 12:12

I think you need to learn to say NO to things that you dont want to do.

Not sure how you roped in your DH to take her kids too, but surely if you are going that way anyway it isnt too much to take another child? Or could you say ask if she would take ALL the children as DH has an important meeting or something and taking them to activity would make him be late. It isnt confrontation, just asking her to drop the kids off.

UndomesticHousewife · 27/05/2010 12:13

It probably is exhausting having 4 kids, I have 3 and it's bad enough but they are my kids and I am responsible for their care. Even though I get what you're saying, you don't (in my opinion!) have the kids then expect everyone else to sort them out. Yes, everyone needs help but that's different from hoisting your child on another mum from teh shool everyday and giving nothing in erturn.

How did it come about that this other woman's child is going with your dh now?

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