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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why my friend is so upset?

27 replies

mosschops30 · 27/05/2010 10:11

My friend is godmother to ds1 along with her ex-husband (separated for 5 years not divorced though).
I asked her to be godmother to ds2 and said she could bring new boyf, she said she didnt want to bring him as he'd be uncomfortable.

I invited her ex husband naturally, along with his partner of 2 years, who has spent quite a lot of time with ds1 on days out etc.

My friend is now really upset and pissed off that her ex is bringing his partner. She said 'thats really naughty of him to bring her, especially when I havent met her, why does he have to bring her to the baptism'?

Now Im a bit about this really and wanted to know if Im just not understanding or if shes just OTT.
They have been apart for almost 6 years, she is happy for him to come to birthday parties etc as long as he doesnt bring his partner, I dont know why she expects to have to meet her beforehand, they have grown up children so its not even an issue about that. She is a bit weird about him, still expects him to send her a xmas card etc.

Can someone please point me in the right direction because I dont know if I should be sympathetic or if shes just being silly.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2010 10:14

She is being silly and precious. She has a new partner, so does her XP, and it's 6 years since they separated. Tell her to get over herself.

withorwithoutyou · 27/05/2010 10:14

Dunno, never been divorced so can't really comment.

To me I guess it would depend how much of an arse he was to her (i.e. how amicable the split was) and whether or not the new partner was involved in the break up.

Tortington · 27/05/2010 10:17

yanbu - 6 years ffs - jeez love get over it

plantsitter · 27/05/2010 10:18

I can see why she might feel like that. But it's not your problem and she shouldn't have got you involved in her complicated post split-up feelings. Suggest she either meets the new partner before the baptism or, basically, shuts her trap.

Aitch · 27/05/2010 10:19

did she honestly say 'naughty'?

FelicityMintcake · 27/05/2010 10:21

They've been apart 6 years but not divorced for 5 of those years?

Is it possible she was hoping for a reconcilliation in all those years and isn't really over him?

rewardgirl · 27/05/2010 10:22

These things are never easy, but I can see why she'd feel uncomfortable without her partner there. Maybe she should reinvite her new boyf, or politely ask the ex not to bring his out of respect.
Either way, I don't think it's your issue as such, it's theirs. I would ask them nicely to sort it out between themselves as you have enough to be dealing with on that day.

toccatanfudge · 27/05/2010 10:29

this rarely happens on MN - but I agree totally with SGB

Original poster

mosschops30 · 27/05/2010 10:36

Yes she said 'naughty'

They split up because she was sleeping with various other men and she thought the grass was greener, dont get me wrong he was no prize husband but she made the choice to leave eventually.
Shes very bitter that since the split he has got money from his mothers house and is keeping his head above water, whilst she find it very difficult to make ends meet.

She wont bring her bloke, shes only been sleeping with him a few weeks, its not really a relationship and I think shes embarrased about him.

She asked me to not invite her ex's partner which I refused to do as they have been together for a long time and I have met her on numerous occaisions when theyve taken ds1 to the beach or swimming.

OP posts:

Aitch · 27/05/2010 10:49

she's not being fair, it's not the new partner's fault that they're doing better than her.

angelene · 27/05/2010 11:02

My mum split up from my father 25 years ago after he left us. I know that she would be devastated if she had to see him again.

It's an entirely different situation - there has been no contact at all and he went out of his way to punish and humiliate her/us, my mum has never had another partner, but I think that it's easy to say 'oh, she must be over him after 6 years' when who knows what's going on inside.

pleasechange · 27/05/2010 11:07

she is being silly and very childish really. It must be quite annoying for you that the baptism is becoming all about her as well

angelene · 27/05/2010 11:07

Ah, didn't read your last post mosschops. Sounds as if she is embarrassed at her behaviour maybe?

Original poster

mosschops30 · 27/05/2010 11:09

Im not sure he knows about all the other men, it just all ended eventually with them both being fed up of each others behaviour.

She is behaving more and more like my mother every day which is because I love her to bits

OP posts:

azazello · 27/05/2010 11:09

My friend's mum is like your friend. She and her husband split up nearly 20 years ago but she still won't attend any events where her exh and his new wife might be and has a big strop about them being invited. (divorce due to exh's affair but no further issues - no money/control/violence/ anger etc).

So far she's missed both sons' weddings and her grandchildren's christenings. My friend thinks she is now getting off a bit on being a martyr.

All seems very silly to me.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 27/05/2010 11:11

YANBU.

You have done nothing wrong in inviting your son's Godfather and his new partner. The ex doesn't have to come..

Original poster

mosschops30 · 27/05/2010 11:30

well she does, shes ds2's godmother

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 27/05/2010 11:33

Oh right.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/05/2010 11:52

I think she's being v unreasonable.

Does she actually realise that the day isn't about her.

wukter · 27/05/2010 11:56

Your friend is being silly Mosschops.
Carry on with your plans as though you were dealing with adults.

rewardgirl · 27/05/2010 13:57

Having seen the update re why they split up etc, it sounds like she's getting her just desserts...
Karma - a wonderful thing...

I still think it's up to them to sort it out between them, and for your friend to just deal with it. She's made her bed.
Remind her that the day isn't about HER and you'd appreciate her support, not having to deal with her relationship issues. If she doesn't sort herself out, she's being very selfish imho.

RunawayWife · 27/05/2010 14:01

She is being an idiot.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2010 14:09

She is an idiot. Tell her that it's not your problem and to either get over herself or stay away - i't a mistake to indulge whiners as they ust get whinier.

And TBH unless a breakup was hideously traumatic (violence, intimidation, prolonged messy court case and ongoing battles etc) someone who is still making a fuss 5 or 6 years on is not doing themselves any favours. The best revenge on someone who dumped you is moving on and being happy, anyway.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 27/05/2010 14:16

yes i agree, none of those were a factor and the children were old enough when tbey split for it not to be an issue in that sense.

She has suffered with depression since they split but I do feel that a lot of it is just her feeling sorry that she doesnt still live in a nice big house with no money worries. I do worry bout her though, once when we went out for a meal and we were seated at the table she said 'I'll sit in the corner because im fat' what do you say to that, waitress didnt know where to look.

Lots going on with her, just wish I could be more supportive but when shes like this im just a bit

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 27/05/2010 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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