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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being rather nasty?

36 replies

NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 00:03

Okay, first time posting. Long time lurker, but now really need impartial advice.... Looong OP!

I have just separated from my DP, which is a totally different story. Anyway, am feeling really hurt by the actions of a certain friend. She and her DP have been friends of my exDP and I for some time now. And while she wouldn't be the kind of person I would normally become mates with, given my,and my ex's friendship with her DP, we have spent rather a lot of time hanging out over the past couple years, and become close. I have been a really good friend to her... Mopped up lots of tears, offered lots of advice, given lots of hugs, been a general shoulder to cry on. Which I would do for any mate.

However, since DP and I have separated, she has really hurt me. I have spoken to her several times since we separated, and while she knows what happened, she has never so much as asked how I am, or mentioned the separation. Then, last weekend, she was having a party to celebrate a certain event. A party which she had told me about many times. So, four days before the party, she texted exDP and invited him (he mentioned this to me, assuming I was going. Our separation is very amicable). On the day of the actual event, I sent her a message on FB (which is how we often communicate) saying 'Congrats on XYZ! Hope you have a great day, have you any big plans for it'. She called me saying 'thanks, no plans really, but will let you know if anything is happening so you can come around'.

Didn't hear from her, so assumed party had not gone ahead. Until she posted lots of photos of the party on FB, along with status updates announcing what a fab time she had with all her girlfriends...

Okay,it is her prerogative to invite whomever she wants, but given that I have looked after her sooo many times, given her a place to stay when she and her DP were having rows, helped get her business up and running and mopped up many tears, should I not expect some support from her?

Another bit of info (so as not to be accused of AIBU by stealth) - her DP and I are very close mates, and she is very paranoid about him, does not like him being around single women, so perhaps that is it... Though as a good friend, she should trust me enough to know that I am not after her DP??

So, AIBU to think she should be a better friend to me? My family and (other) friends all say she is being a bitch, but I really want an impartial opinion? Perhaps I should make allowances for the fact that she is insecure and paranoid?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/05/2010 00:07

It sounds like you won't really be remaining friends, to be honest.

Vallhala · 27/05/2010 00:08

How hurtful. Yes, it's her perogative as to whom she invites, but even so, it seems unpleasant to me. I think you've probably hit the nail on the head and that she's insecure about the friendship between you and her DP.

Don't let her upset you, you sound far too nice to suffer her thoughtlessness.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/05/2010 00:14

oh yes, in her (green) eyes, you are 'back on the market'... no man is SAFE!!! lock up your DPs...

Oh FGS, how sad it must be to be her, to let down a good friend like that, and for what!

Leave her for dust love, she is not worth any more of your concern.

Huge hug, you sound like you've been through it of late!

Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 00:22

BitOfFun, I fear that you may be right. Which saddens me, but I can't beg her, right?

Valhalla - I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that finds it unpleasant, was starting to think I was paranoid! Thanks for the support!

OP posts:
Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 00:27

LMHF, thank you (love your nn btw, oh how I love a good hissy fit!!). Oh, I will be after the DPs of every female I know... After all,what recently dumped woman doesn't want to start hunting down and riding the DPs of every female around them... Glad to know some people don't find us singles to be a threat!!!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 27/05/2010 00:30

i remember being the Single one... I never had a BF.... the treatment of me was beyond stupid!

Their blokes were AWFUL, they were always complaining about them, why on earth would I be dumb enough to make a play!

i find that kind of behaviour really SAD. You are well shot of her!

sunnydelight · 27/05/2010 00:38

I think it's really hurtful, and she was a total cow not to invite you when you would clearly find out there was a party. Unfortunately I think it's pretty common behaviour after a split - it has certainly happened to friends of mine. So many people don't seem capable of acting like adults, it's pretty sad.

Go make some new friends, you really don't need this woman in your life.

Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 00:42

Isn't it though... I mean, her DP is a dote, and I like him and all, but seriously! She complains about him non-stop also... So really, would I be itching to whisk him away, stash him in my bedroom and use him for my enjoyment?! I suppose I must embrace being treated like a leper for the moment... Well shot indeed! Now I must find some sane friends How did you deal with it LMHF, if you don't mind my asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 00:48

Thanks, Sunnydelight... I guess some friends feel the need to act out a 'divorce, gaining custody of the friends' scenario... Or a 'you fell out with my friend in the playground, now I must hate you' scenario. Even though exDP and I are staying friendly (with much effort). Trying very hard to empower myself and say 'feck it, move on, make new mates'... 'tis hard, but I guess it has to be done...

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 27/05/2010 08:46

trim her , and trim her now before she trims you. this is very common and in your shoes I would not give her a chance to hurt me again

remove her from friend list for FB for starters

If she contacts you (and I doubt she will) take your time to reply

HanBanan · 27/05/2010 08:56

You don't need people like her in your life. Defo remove her from FB list as porcamiseria says. You'll find lots of people will treat you differently now you are single.

Best not to see them or speak to them, this sort usually get nasty and start saying things to hurt you whilst you're down.

Serennos · 27/05/2010 09:13

I agree with other posters - you don't need this 'friend' any more than you need an enemy right now. You sound like a strong and lovely person - it's a shame she doesn't have similar attributes!

StealthPolarBear · 27/05/2010 09:19

you could always send her a jokey "was my invitation lost in the post?" message
childish, but no more than her - you talk on FB yet she put the party photos up, presumably knowing you'd see them

EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QSnondomicile · 27/05/2010 09:21

She is a bit of a mean bitch, isnt she?
I guess in times like this, you find out who your real friends are.

I would send her a message on FB saying something like "It looks like you had fun at your big celebration lovely photos. Shame I wasn't invited." Actually, I would write it on her wall!

And then block her.

JaxTellersOldLady · 27/05/2010 09:23

YANBU she is being a bitch! ditch her now, she is no friend of yours.

traumaqueen · 27/05/2010 09:28

I don't think she is being a bitch - to be honest it sounds like you were only 'friends' with her because of your and her DPs, and it also sounds as if you are insulted by not being asked to the party rather than saddened at the loss of a good friend. Do you really like her? Maybe she doesn't really like you that much?

Please don't fall into the 'she thinks I am after her husband now I'm single' trap. Not all women are that insecure or shallow.

KodakTheBat · 27/05/2010 09:31

Maybe you're not her kinda person either and she was just friends with you because your DP's were friends and now that connection has been broken she sees no point in making the effort?

Maybe she invited your ex by accident, thought you (or he) might find it awkward so thought best not to invite you?

Or maybe she's keeping you far far away from her DP for fear you will whisk him away

Mookymoo · 27/05/2010 09:32

Classic frenemy behaviour. Delete her from FB before she reports your every move to your ex in a shit stirring way

Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 14:29

EleanorHandbasket: 'I picked up on this in your OP: 'while she wouldn't be the kind of person I would normally become mates with..'
Could you elaborate?'.
Hmm, will try to explain as best as I can... It's not a case that I believe she is beneath me, definitely not, but I guess if I weren't friends with her DP, we probably are not the kind of people that would have gravitated towards each other, iykwim. We have completely different tastes in everything, different views, opinions, and ideas as to what constitutes fun...of course, friends don't need to be carbon copies, but we are so different, I can't imagine any situation where we would have 'naturally' become friends, as such.

However, we did become very close. We have had many silly girlie nights and actually did have a lot of fun together. So yes, I am saddened at the loss of a good friend, and if I'm honest, probably a bit insulted also. And if I'm completely honest, I think there is a part of me that is just angry that after I have spent so much time providing a shoulder for her to cry on, and offering support and advice, while as soon as I needed the support she disappeared. Which is probably childish and petty and a bit unreasonable. I know friendship isn't about tit for tat, and 'I did this so you must reciprocate it'... But surely some level of support can be expected from a friend?

Or perhaps I am still a mess of post break-up emotions and blowing this out of all proportion in my head?! And will probably just have to accept that some (not all, some are pure lovely) of my friends will behave differently now that I am single.

Wow, I can really blather on when I get going Thanks for listening!

OP posts:
BuzzingNoise · 27/05/2010 14:43

Sounds like she considers herself to be better friends with your ex than you.

RunawayWife · 27/05/2010 14:45

You should nab her DP off of her

No really she sounds like too much hard work.
You deserve better friends

DetectivePotato · 27/05/2010 15:15

She's not a true friend. A true friend wouldn't use you as a shoulder to cry on etc then not trust you and not invite you to a party.

Ditch the bitch.

Original poster
NiandraLaDes · 27/05/2010 15:36

BuzzingNoise, it defo looks that way. We so didn't want a situation where friends felt they had to take sides, but I guess some people will feel that way regardless.

RunawayWife, perhaps I should... May as well act like the predatory single woman

Think I may just have to take a step back from this one - sad to see a friendship disappear, but then, it apparently wasn't the friendship I believed it was anyway. Although if I want to remain friends with her DP, I'll have to stay involved with her to some extent. Complications!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 27/05/2010 15:40

What a cowbag

kill her