Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to stop my nanny meeting up with her friends.

34 replies

Pookybelle · 25/05/2010 20:42

I returned to work last month. We employed a nanny to take care of our two DSs (3 and 1) for the three days that I am at work. She is our first nanny and we are therefore new to all of this. She caught me a little off guard during her first couple of weeks because she asked me three times if I was happy for her to take my children to playdates with her nanny friends who live local to her - a 40 min drive away. I said no because I didn't like the idea of her driving my children across two counties when there was lots to do locally. Also other families from our street and from DS1s nursery have been fantastic and invited her around on playdates. Today she asked if she could take them to meet her friends in some park by train! It would be a long train journey with at least one change. I wouldn't even attempt it with my children. Again I said "no" and this time I felt forced to say that I didn't feel that I knew her well enough yet to allow such a big day trip. I do feel quite strongly that I don't want her taking them all over the place in order to meet her friends. I would be happy for her to make friends in our town and have playdates with them as long as my DSs seemed happy with this. However, I am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I was wondering how other Mum's would feel about day trips miles away from their home?

OP posts:

Mandi1984 · 25/05/2010 20:44

I think she should respect your wishes and stop asking!

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 25/05/2010 20:44

YANBU.

Though it is good she has asked.

Some people will say you have to give a bit but I think you should have the final say.

Maybe she asked about the train as she thought the driving was the issue.

moondog · 25/05/2010 20:45

No.it's not on.

She has to earn your trust.

In rough parallel, i let my babysitters bring boyfriends around but only after a few months of coming alone and being absolutely tiptop.

wonderingwondering · 25/05/2010 20:47

No, you are not being unreasonable. Taking 2 such young children on a long journey is a big responsibility, tiring for them, and if it isn't necessary, then the answer would be no. You pay her to look after them in and around their own home.

booyhoo · 25/05/2010 20:49

she is in your employ which means her socialising has to be done in her own time.

by all means, yes let her take your dcs on play dates and trips. but as you said, tehre is lots to do locally and she has been invited to neighbours' so tehre is no need for her to take them to meet up with her friends' charges.

i think you are doing the right thing.

scurryfunge · 25/05/2010 20:50

Completely pointless activity for your children when you say there is so much to do locally. Encourage her to make friends in your area.

faerie07 · 25/05/2010 20:54

You are so NOT being unreasonable. I have the same issue with my nanny at the moment and TBH it is pissing me off. She threw a bit of a strop the other day because I said no to a trip to the beach, which is 1 1/2 hours away by train, with a 3 year old and a 10 month old. She wanted to take 'advantage' of the hot weather, and I suspect to catch up with a friend who lived there and has a child. A 10 month old out all day on a hot day???? I don't think so.

For me the issue will not go away because I am really upset about her reaction to my saying no. She got upset that I didn't trust her and was treating her like an idiot. 'I have been trained to do these things you know'..... Grrrr.. Trained my left foot. This is her first nannying position, the nursery she worked at didn't do excursions so any training was purely theoretical, and she hasn't done any full day trips locally so hasn't proved to me that she and/or the children can handle full days out.

Not to mention that throwing a strop was hardly the way to impress me with her professionalism.

frakkit · 25/05/2010 20:54

As a nanny I wouldn't find your approach unreasonable and, tbh, unless I'd been there a while and it was a special day out trip to a special place, probably with lots of special child-centred activites, I wouldn't dare ask.

This, I feel, is a drawback or having nannies who have not previously worked locally but a relatively short distance away. Their 'nanny network tends to be a fair way away.

I would encourage her to make friends in your own local area with playdates etc. Of course she needs a 'social life' but not 40 mins away. That's for her benefit, not your DCs. What would happen if she left? All your DCs friends would be her friends' charges...40 mins away.

frakkit · 25/05/2010 20:57

faerie07 - am not impressed with your nanny either!

Nannying isn't a license to go catch up with your mates whilst being paid

booyhoo · 25/05/2010 20:59

faerie, i couldn't have someone with such an immature attitude looking after my dcs. throwing strops is infantile.

faerie07 · 25/05/2010 21:00

frakkit - I'm not impressed at the moment either. If my DSs didn't like her so much.... well, you know!!!

In many ways she is immature, and this is just one example of it. But we did run this risk when we hired a 'new' nanny.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 25/05/2010 21:02

Your kids will like someone else.

larks35 · 25/05/2010 21:04

YANBU I think its good that she asks you and absolutely fair enough that you say no. She needs to develop local support and maybe you could suggest and help her to look into local CM toddler groups. I just think she might be happier with other carers rather than mothers iykwim.

faerie07 · 25/05/2010 21:04

I know, I know. The problem is when she's not being juvenile I quite like her too.

I think my problem is I expected more common sense and haven't been as clear cut with rules, task lists, expectations etc. That is going to change and I have to be the one to change it.

mamatomany · 25/05/2010 21:06

YANBU - I had a nanny who used to text me to say she'd taken the children to her house in another county, it ended badly.

foureleven · 25/05/2010 21:09

I have to say I think you are being a bit precious.. not sure what you mean by you wouldnt attempt to take your own children on a train trip

It wouldnt bother me, but if it bothers you then of course youre not BU to tell her. Youre the boss.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 21:13

YANBU - she wants to socialise with her friends... she can do it in her own time.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 25/05/2010 21:13

Could you compromise and suggest that once a month some of the friends come to your house? That way your dc's wouldn't be travelling and you'd be offering a compromise, taking the issue away from the nanny and reiterating the concerns of the children. I would think the friends are not going to make the trip!

saslou · 25/05/2010 21:18

YANBU - her job is to look after your dc.She should do what you want and see her friends in her own time. Sounds to me like she fancies a day at the beach and is taking your dc along with her, not putting your dc first iykwim. The solution is to remember that she is young and give v clear instructions. I would not appreciate strops- she is not your teenager and must care for your dc as you want otherwise she might as well not be there

Original poster

Pookybelle · 25/05/2010 21:34

Thank you for your helpful comments. Faerie07 I really feel for you. I was worried that she would throw a strop but thankfully she appeared to take it quite well. I am not sure how long that will last though because she does keep asking. It feels a bit like having another child pestering me for something!

foureleven - I wouldn't take them both on a train trip because it would be a total nightmare. DS2 (age 14 months) is into everything at the moment and will not sit still for one single minute. He would be climbing and crawling all over the place and would scream his head off when I said no to something. DS1 (age 3) is past that stage now but would be bored and forever asking "are we there yet". I used to take DS1 into London quite regularly to meet DH for lunch but I would need DS2 to be a bit older before I would attempt that again. At this time, the effort of the journey would totally outweigh what ever lay at the end of it. There is more than enough to do nearer to home so I don't really see the point of putting us all through a tiring and frustration journey.

OP posts:

faerie07 · 25/05/2010 21:40

Hey Pookybelle, I do the train into lunch to meet DH for lunch! DS1 is fun on the train. DS2 is young enough to stay in the push chair.... for now!!!!

I was NOT expecting the strop, and I know I will have to deal with it soon.

Monty100 · 25/05/2010 21:40

OP - I've never had a nanny but here's my take.

I'd say no, no, no. This is not about your dc's going on playdates, its about her meeting up with her friends! Your dc's are young and they shouldn't be traipsed all over the place, they should be in their own safe environment being looked after which is what you pay her for.

I'll never forget when I was on maternity leave stopping for a coffee in a mall coffee shop type place, there was a crowd of young girls with babies/toddlers, all sitting round drinking coffee, iirc some might have been smoking (in those days), I cottoned on they were all nannies. I'd be very cross indeed if they had been my dc's. I think nannies should do their socialising in their own time.

Monty100 · 25/05/2010 21:41

faerie - I hope my opinion doesn't offend you in any way. Do you agree with me?

Original poster

Pookybelle · 25/05/2010 21:46

faerie07 I look forward to train trips to see DH again. I could certainly handle each child on their own and it would be enjoyable - but not both at the same time. The are both pretty full on in their own ways. DS1 is very curious to chatty, which is lovely but not when you need to concentrate on a very active 14 month old. It would be exhausting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pookybelle · 25/05/2010 21:47

curious and chatty even

OP posts:

Flip

1 2