to stop my nanny meeting up with her friends.

[Pookybelle]

I returned to work last month. We employed a nanny to take care of our two DSs (3 and 1) for the three days that I am at work. She is our first nanny and we are therefore new to all of this. She caught me a little off guard during her first couple of weeks because she asked me three times if I was happy for her to take my children to playdates with her nanny friends who live local to her - a 40 min drive away. I said no because I didn't like the idea of her driving my children across two counties when there was lots to do locally. Also other families from our street and from DS1s nursery have been fantastic and invited her around on playdates. Today she asked if she could take them to meet her friends in some park by train! It would be a long train journey with at least one change. I wouldn't even attempt it with my children. Again I said "no" and this time I felt forced to say that I didn't feel that I knew her well enough yet to allow such a big day trip. I do feel quite strongly that I don't want her taking them all over the place in order to meet her friends. I would be happy for her to make friends in our town and have playdates with them as long as my DSs seemed happy with this. However, I am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I was wondering how other Mum's would feel about day trips miles away from their home?

Monty27 - no, your opinion doesn't offend me at all.

Although I don't agree 100% with you. I have no objections to our nanny meeting other nannies in the area. I know nannying can be lonely because you don't get that much adult interaction. But they if the other girls are nannies, and someone (even if not me) has trusted them sufficiently to hire them to look after their children then I trust them enough to be 'around' my children, and by meeting up with other mindees my children would learn to interact with other children - although preferably not while the nannies were having a coffee in a mall coffee shop preferably! I would prefer the catch up to be somewhere that the mindees benefit too, such as a walk or a park or a playgroup.

But to just catch up with any old friends is not on, especially when in my particular case the nanny has told me a bit too much about this friend for me to be comfortable with her at all.

I did tell her that regardless of what she thought she was capable of doing or wanted to do, they were MY children and if I wasn't comfortable with an activity then it was NOT happening. My priority is my children, and not her feelings so she could stop making this all about 'her' - didn't go down too well, after that strop she then sulked and gave me the quiet treatment. As I said.... juvenile.

Oh lord, I must be tired, some of that has come out really jumbled!!!

Pookybelle, is your nanny full time or part time? Mine is part time and I am often at home when she is working so I 'see' how she behaves. Not sure if that makes it better or worse!!!!

She is part time but DH sometimes works from home and he can hear what is happening - or not happening as the case may be. I think that it is good to be around some of the time. I wish I was around more to watch her interact with the children.

YANBU
If the nanny was stroppy that would make me really uncomfortable and I would already be looking for a replacement.

Sorry Pookybelle - I think people are now confusing our two cases! Pookybelle's nanny didn't get stroppy, mine did. Her's is just asking repeatedly to meet with friends.

OP sorry I confused Faerie with Frakkit, who is a nanny.

Frakkit -

Monty - am not offended at all! I get when I see nannies abusing their freedom to spend all day having coffee, smoking around children just isn't on and when you're working your #1 priority should be the children. 100% agree!

That said I would go insane if I wasn't able to get out and about so I go to groups, children make friends, sometimes we do big outings which can be a fair way away but it's all for the benefit of the children, which hanging out in a coffee shop isn't. There's socialising and then there's the children's social life. They're very different. Playdates, funnily enough, aren't for nanny's benefit.

Nannies are very fortunate to have such a relaxed job in some ways but that's no excuse to take the mickey.

Give her some credit at least she asked you for permisson! And now she knows how you feel about, she s not super nanny she needs boundaries too and now you've set them, problem solve.

Pooky - as someone who has employed nannies for 14.5 years, I think YADNBU. But maybe - and it's hard to do I know from personal experience - you need to help by telling her what you do want her to do with her time - somehow I always shied away from being as directive with my nanny as I would naturally be with my team at work. Ridiculous I know but it's hard to be a 'boss' at home.

She's trying to come up with ideas to fill her time: so perhaps write her a list of goals that you want her to do. Like attend groups, make local friends (kids AND nannies), visit the park everyday, go to the library every week etc etc. If her time is filled she will be less likely to pester you with these requests.

But then on the other hand, I do think a nanny's job can be a pretty hard and lonely one, and part of what makes it fun (just as it does for mothers) is the social interaction, and the opportunity to do some personal stuff while looking after the kids. So I have allowed my nannies to do this sort of thing as an occasional treat and it was always worth saying yes. Perhaps if you said to her now that you want her and the kids to settle in and build that local life and that you will review the request in three months time, that would be a win-win outcome.

Good luck back at work!