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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to how difficult it is to find babysitters for people coming to my party

32 replies

alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:18

I've got a big birthday coming up in August and have planned a Dinner out. We're paying for pre-dinner drinks, wine with the meal and for pudding.

Obviously I've invited my friends. Lots of people have replied and said they're happy to come but two of my best local friends have complained that it's difficult for them because the people they would normally ask to babysit (each other or me) have also been invited.

I've given people lots of notice so they can make arrangements. Since we're paying for most of it maybe they could hire a babysitter? Or ask on of their other friends who I haven't invited? Both friends also have parents who live within an hour of them and who have babysat on lots of occassions.

If it's too much hassle I don't mind if they don't come but what's the point in complaining to me about it? They can't expect me change my plans surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:19

Ps my first time on AIBU so please be gentle!

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 25/05/2010 14:22

I think they are venting. Nod, make "active listening" noises, express sympathy if you can bring yourself to, and then make them get to the bloody point - are they coming or not?!

diddl · 25/05/2010 14:23

Well I would take it as a hint that they might not come tbh.

It might also be more about who they trust to babysit rather than money.

BigFatSepticToe · 25/05/2010 14:23

YABU

what they are saying is they would like to come but it is difficult as they have no sitter, they are not complianing just expressing their disapointment

no ones expecting you to change your plans, just dont expect THEM to do what YOU think they should with their childcare

no matter how good friends they are, their kids are more importnat than your do, however much you are paying for it!

porcamiseria · 25/05/2010 14:27

you are being a teensy bit precious, not all people are blessed with babysitters (i.e me!)so rarely go out with DP, its either him, or me solo.

cant they come on their own and leave DH etc to babysit?

Original poster
alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:28

Maybe you're right and I'm being over-sensitive.

And of course their kids are more important - I hope I never suggested otherwise. As I said, I don't mind if they don't come.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 25/05/2010 14:30

They may be trying to soften you up for a rejection.

I don't know what age the DCs are, but sometimes it's not just a case of getting a random babysitter in, even a good one. It can be a case of doing a familiarisation visit (nightmare if a child is going through separation anxiety) or two before the night itself. They may be quailing at the very thought.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean they should string you along forever....

Not sure what else to say except keep a question mark over these friends in your reckoning, and push for them to commit properly or not. Otherwise, you might end up with empty spaces, and more empty glasses (the pre-dinner drinks) than guests - hic!

BigFatSepticToe · 25/05/2010 14:31

op, do you have kids?

just becuase the guests are not paying for the night out and a sitter may not be very expensive does not mean everyone is HAPPY paying a friend of a friend /professional sitter to mind their chidlren.. i never would,and as a result have missed out on plenty of dos, but hope the hosts have understood

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/05/2010 14:33

This is the situation Dh and I are often in. We have 1 out of 4 grandparents that are willing to baby sit, but they are not willing babysitters iykwim. I would never have anyone i didnt know look after them, so it would be up to whether the gp would be able to, they may not know the answer to this until very close to the event - i certainly wouldnt. hope you have a lovely time whoever goes.

FanjolinaJolie · 25/05/2010 14:35

I'd listen to them vent away and just hmmmmm and nod a bit.

We have no family in this country and move every two years due to DH's job.

One of the first things I do once settled is start searching for a babysitter, by trying the local nurseries, local paper, university notice boards etc. It is not easy but do-able as we like to be able to go out from time to time to have some 'us' time. I have a super girl at the moment.

Can't think why they can't sort it out if you have given them a lot of notice??

Is it a cost issue or a can't be arsed issue for them do you think?

Original poster
alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:35

I do have kids and we have all babysat for each other.

As I said - they have had grandparents babysit for them plenty of times before so, if they want to come, they have plenty of time to arrange it. (my PILs are looking after my DDs on that night).

And I've admitted that I'm probably being over sensitive. If they don't want to come - fine.
If they want to come together without their DH's - fine.

All they have to say is 'sorry I can't get a babysitter - hope you have a nice night' rather than what do I do about my problem that you or my other friend can't babysit.

But consider me told!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/05/2010 14:36

Well if they are good friends of yours-and perhaps each other-I wonder have they thought of coming without partners?

I agree that they are not expecting you to do anything, just letting you know the state of play.

You don´t sound particularly sympathetic though-especially to say that you don´t mind if they don´t come

bratnav · 25/05/2010 14:37

As you have given people 4 months notice I would say YANBU.

WingedVictory · 25/05/2010 14:38

oops, cross-posted. Sorry!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/05/2010 14:39

Wouldnt make any difference how much time i had i still would be unlikely to commit until the last week anyway, it would depend on what the only gp who babysits was doing and they do not put themselves out for us, so would only have the kids if it fitted in with their plans. To other people it looks like we have a willing babysitter but behind the scenes this is not really the case.

Some people wont leave their children with unknown babysitters, or want strangers in their home alone etc. money may not be the issue here.

satc2bringiton · 25/05/2010 14:39

YANBU

I actually think thats quite rude of your friends tbh

sapell3 · 25/05/2010 14:39

YANBU. If they can't find a babysitter they should politely decline the invitation and briefly mention why, rather than making you feel bad.

stealthsquiggle · 25/05/2010 14:40

I think YANBU to want them to make a decision - but as a friend I think you may have to put up with them venting for a little while first.

withorwithoutyou · 25/05/2010 14:40

I sort of know where your coming from as when we were organising our wedding my Mum kept fretting about how so and so was going to get there and where they would stay (large city, plenty of hotels!)

I couldn't really think about how 65 different people were going to travel there, either they made their arrangements and came or they didn't.

Flyonthewindscreen · 25/05/2010 14:41

YABU to expect your friends to necessarily be able to sort out a babysitter, as other posters have said there are all kinds of reasons why this might be a problem. However YANBU to expect your friends to let you know whether they are coming on not in good time for you to confirm the numbers. Also have you asked your friends if they could come on their own (i.e. leaving DC with their DH/DP's) if no babysitter is available? If not maybe they think it is all going to be a "couply" occasion and they are not welcome on their own (I know this is a weird thing to think ).

googietheegg · 25/05/2010 14:42

YANBU - it's the 'passing it on to be your problem' rather than the problem itself that would bug me.

Original poster
alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:43

It hadn't even occurred to me that they could together and leave DH's at home but I will definitely suggest this as a solution.

Thanks for those that suggested it!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/05/2010 14:44

Maybe they were hoping you would say "Oh come alone then"

fabat40 · 25/05/2010 14:45

Had quite a few friends with young children that we wanted to invite to a do at our house, so we organised childcare at our house. Most children were under 1 (the hardest age to find sitters for) and some were being breastfed (so if they couldn't come their mothers definitely would not have come). Worked out really well as the parents were able to check on their children when they wanted to. Had a giggle at one set of parents for who it was the first time somebody else was looking after their DS - they checked up every half hour or so!! They had a giggle at themselves too!!

Although we still had some friends who didn't want to bring their child (don't transfer well once asleep) and couldn't find a babysitter. Them's the breaks with children, but at least they had the grace not to grizzle to me about it after all the effort I had gone to. I would have been mightily annoyed to have been on the end of those complaints after all the effort I had put into it!

Original poster
alyssa1980 · 25/05/2010 14:45

googietheegg

Exactly!

OP posts:
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