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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to flirt with someone at work

48 replies

trampydrawers · 24/05/2010 11:00

How far does it need to go before it goes too far?

I get on really well with a guy at work, he's yummy to look at and we have a real laugh. We only work together one day a week and when we do we have a good flirt.
He often makes comments about taking me to bed or wishing this that and the other to do to me-the other day he had to come into my office and he shut the door behind him and said "right now i have got you to myself" then we just laughed, but he made a sort of "ooh i wish face" before he left. A few weeks ago he came up to me a joked that he had really got "the horn" and that i should stay away from him today other wise he may not be responsible for his actions. We have never touched other than the same morning hug that we all give and a once he pecked me on the cheek in a greeting. Other than the flirting has all been verbal and for a laugh.

It's only a small office.(13 people employed in total but some are in another branch on some days and not on others) with 6 members of staff most of the time, it's an arty place and everyone here has bags of personality, great sense of humour, we all play silly tricks and jokes a lot and we all get on really well, we often meet socially too. One of my colleagues, a peer and someone i get on with really well insinuated that she thought that this guy actually does want a bit more. It's never occured to me that this may be the case and I'm not up for that. I'm happily married and he has a girlfriend. A laugh and a joke is all well and good but now I'm worried that a bit of harmless flirt fun has gone too far but at the same time I have to be honest to say I enjoy the possibilty that he might actually fancy me-(what a self esteem boost after having a child, its always nice to know you still got it) but want nothing more than that.
What should I do, cos i'd quite like to carry on as we are. Am I being unreasonable to expect this to carry on harmlessly, should I be flirting at all, fun or not. Should I say something and potentially embarras myself if he isn't actually fancying me.

OP posts:

BAFE · 24/05/2010 11:02

YABU - but at least you choose the right name for yourself.

wahwahwah · 24/05/2010 11:02

Put a nice photo of hubby and kids on your desk.

BessieBoots · 24/05/2010 11:04

I wouldn't like it if my DH said those things to women at work.

Pepsiginn · 24/05/2010 11:07

YABU - i too think that he does actually have the horn and would take it further at any chance.
Your going to have to talk to him, as if you totally one day cut off the firtatious behaviour he will feel really hurt and not understand why - well that's if you do want to change the situation.

Original poster

trampydrawers · 24/05/2010 11:11

Bafe-regular poster but changed name to protect identity
Wahwah-have lovely photo of hubby and bairns on desk, he's also met them several times and we all get on great-in face we spent sat at theirs at a BBQ. he still flirts even with my family and his GF around

OP posts:

wannaBe · 24/05/2010 11:14

not on at all. and talking of going to bed and having the horn goes way beyond normal flerting IMO. I would be livid if dh was talking to women like that at work and similarly would not behave that way either.

How do you think your dh would feel if he knew?

wahwahwah · 24/05/2010 11:16

He sounds is bit creepy actually. Is he like that with other women in the office.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/05/2010 11:18

He seems to fancy you and you are not only flattered (fair enough), but seem to fancy him. I think you are on dangerous ground - sounds like you could quite easily let it slip into physical contact. I don't think I'd respect someone very much who talked about having the horn etc - but maybe I am Mrs Icy-knickers. Sounds like he's playing games. He knows it's flattering and he's got less to lose than you. I wouldn't say anything but I'd keep a bit more distance.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/05/2010 11:19

and what wannabe said

cupcakesandbunting · 24/05/2010 11:19

YANBU to enjoy a bit of a flirt but this sounds a bit more than flirting IMO. I'd steer clear and he'll get the message or next time he makes an inappropriate remark laugh and say "you know when you say things like that, you are joking, aren't you?" Let him know that it's not on.

foureleven · 24/05/2010 11:20

Firstly, porking the payroll is NEVER a good idea.

Secondly, you are disrespecting your DH in an epic manner.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/05/2010 11:22

Also, how would you feel if your DH spoke to other women in a similar way?

booyhoo · 24/05/2010 11:25

oh gosh, i thought you were single and flirting with him.

you are married, it is totally inappropriate.

ask yourself this, would you be happy for your DH to see and hear how you behave with this man? if not then you know YABU.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/05/2010 11:27

Also, (sorry, me again) - there's a danger your colleagues may already think something is going on. How would that feel if that's the case?

booyhoo · 24/05/2010 11:30

what jamie says is true.

when i worked in my previous job, and was single (keyword here) there was a male colleague that i got on very well with, we flirted a bit but nothing near the level you talk of. no sexual refernces or anything. but all the rest of the staff thought we were seeing each other secretly. we werent but that is what they all saw.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 24/05/2010 11:31

Talking of taking each other to bed, wishing this that and the other to do each other, or having the horn, are already over the line and already beyond what I would describe as just "flirting". Actual harmless flirting is -- well, I'm not sure exactly what it is, but more subtle and nebulous to begin with.

Original poster

trampydrawers · 24/05/2010 11:32

I admit I do fancy him a bit-theres a lot to fancy, he's half italian, he's fit, plays guitar and can sing. The attention is nice, im overweight, 2 kids, approaching 40.

I have been taking the "you are joking" stance with him.
In the times when we have spoken seriously in earnest he knows that I adore my husband and kids and would never ever act on any urges. He also seems to worship the ground his gf walks on. Writes romantic songs, discusses gifts he want to buy her carefully with others and he never moans about her.

I feel I may be worrying for nothing-i never thought there was any harm in it until my colleague said, only that he took it a bit too far sometimes-but his sense of humour is based on "shock value" and hes like that with everyone. It's only me he flirts with that much though.

OP posts:

FoxyRevenger · 24/05/2010 11:36

I feel a bit bleurgh at the thought of married people engaging in this level of flirting...unless you can say you would act this way with him in front of your husband then it's going too far.

EverVescent · 24/05/2010 11:37

"I'd quite like to carry on as we are"

I think you are unwise, to put it politely, making comments about "taking you to bed" (sounds strangely anachronistic actually) and having "the horn" are not normal flirting behaviour.

He sounds pretty sleazy actually and my money would say if you did "take it further" as you say, the mystique would evaporate pretty damn quick and you'd be left feeling awkward and having betrayed your own husband, not much fun all round.

I would hate to work somewhere where everyone has bags of personality and plays silly tricks and jokes etc.

Mandi1984 · 24/05/2010 11:37

He sounds horrible. 'I've got the horn?' Mm, classy.

Don't get too attached, I'm sure you are not the only lucky lady he gets the horn for!

electra · 24/05/2010 11:37

The problem is that one thing leads to another. I think you are playing with fire - sorry to use a stereotypical phrase!

The guy isn't joking - he wants to sleep with you and all it will take is for you to allow it.

If you really are happy with your husband keep away from this man.

EverVescent · 24/05/2010 11:38

He seems to worship the ground his gf walks on?

Newsflash: he does not. He doesn't even respect her if that's how he behaves. Sleazissimo.

booyhoo · 24/05/2010 11:43

actually i dont think he does want to sleep with you. he sounds like one of those men that flirts with all women to keep them sweet and get favours (work things i mean) and just to generally make his day a bit more fun but has no interest in you whatsoever.

OP he is just using you to brighten up his day. wake up and learn some self respect. and give your husband some respect aswell.

Original poster

trampydrawers · 24/05/2010 11:50

The funny thing is at the xmas do, where all staff, were all away in a luxury guest house spa together for a weekend and very drunk, one could argue if he had wanted to see if there had been any real opportunity, he could have tried something then but, he never flirted once-totally down the line normal, fun joking chatting laughing but never made a single sexual reference. It's like he flirts with me just for attention-or he knows that there is an unwritten line and because there was real risk of opportunity he mediated himself.

Evervescent-I cannot think of a better place to work, its the best job I have ever had. The job itself is tough as but I got masses of support and we get spoiled rotten. Horses for courses.

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 24/05/2010 11:50

I would hate to work somewhere where everyone has bags of personality and plays silly tricks and jokes etc.

EverVescent

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