AIBU to think my friend is lying about being raped?

[feellikeahorriblebitch]

I know this sounds awful but she does have a track record for lying about some really terrible things.

Last year she took time off work - she told everyone she had a cancerous lump that was being removed. Although she told us what hospital she was going to be in - she refused to let anyone visit her. However a couple of freinds decided to visit and the hospital had no record of her. To cut a very long story short it appeared that she did not have cancer and was disciplined at work for taking two weeks off plus subsequent appointemtns for chemo. I never really discussed this with her as I have been really worried about her mental health generally and did not think she would be able to handle the confrontation. I did ask our boss to disucss councilling with her - but I dont know what the result of this was.

Does anyone have any experience of this? At the moment I feel emotionally drained by this and I am not sure how to help her.

Posting using a different name from usual.

Sounds like she does need some sort of counselling and professional help.
I have had exerience of dealing with compulsive liars but I am afraid I don't have any advice about how best to deal with it.

What a horrible situation. IME, those who are lying, tend to give much more information than you need to build a picture IYSWIM. Not sure what you can do to help her though.

Would it kill you to be supportive?

Could it be related to the 'induced illness' type of disorders? Used to be called Munchausens Syndrome?

Sounds familiar, had a friend who was very similiar. Lies were only small ones until she accused another friend of rape. Problem was she always seemed to lie when telling the truth would have been just as easy iyswim.

No-one knew what to believe and I think we all backed off, she admitted later it was untrue and she was angry he had not called her, she said she thought it was the start of something and that she had only slept with him because of that.

I still feel that as a friend I handled it badly, if the allegation was true I would have seriously let her down.

I know its not very helpful but maybe you should just offer a sympathetic ear without getting involved in any accusations if that makes sense?

Yes ChocolatePants I have thought of that and have tried to find out about support groups through a couple of charities e.g. Mind - but no-one had much to suggest.

BitofFun I am being supportive - I have not said anything to her about my doubts and at the moment I am the only one she is talking to about it (pretty much all our other friends have given up on her). However there are things about the story that just don't make any sence and I sort of feel that is we never question her - that she will never get any better.

This is what she has told me. She was raped by a black man outside a pub around 11pm - she was a bit drunk but not very. She did not tell anyone at the time but went back into the pub and I know from a mutual friend that they sepnt the rest of the night dancing etc (mutual friend said she had no idea anything was wrong - she seemed fine). It is actually what she has been telling me recently that seems more untrue. The police apparently woke her up last week at 3am to come and do an ID parade and she identified him. She told me today that they have a court date set and she will have to give evidence. I don't really know how these things really work but this seems quick to me - he has not confessed and there is no evidence apart from her word against his.

Have offered to go along to the court with her - but she does not want anyone to go with her.

Yes ChocolatePants I have thought of that and have tried to find out about support groups through a couple of charities e.g. Mind - but no-one had much to suggest.

BitofFun I am being supportive - I have not said anything to her about my doubts and at the moment I am the only one she is talking to about it (pretty much all our other friends have given up on her). However there are things about the story that just don't make any sence and I sort of feel that is we never question her - that she will never get any better.

This is what she has told me. She was raped by a black man outside a pub around 11pm - she was a bit drunk but not very. She did not tell anyone at the time but went back into the pub and I know from a mutual friend that they sepnt the rest of the night dancing etc (mutual friend said she had no idea anything was wrong - she seemed fine). It is actually what she has been telling me recently that seems more untrue. The police apparently woke her up last week at 3am to come and do an ID parade and she identified him. She told me today that they have a court date set and she will have to give evidence. I don't really know how these things really work but this seems quick to me - he has not confessed and there is no evidence apart from her word against his.

Have offered to go along to the court with her - but she does not want anyone to go with her.

Having known someone like this, and known how utterly draining she was, I would back off I'm afraid to say.
Encourage her to access the support that will have been made available to her (hypothetically) and just step back.
I know it sounds harsh but I wouldn't allow myself to be used in this way again.
It'd be like offering up your neck to a vampire and saying bite me.

Not disagreeing with the decision to back off, in the circumstances, but do bear in mind in some cases after rapes a denial and/or repression mechanism will kick in so the victim will act entirely normally, even towards the attacker. Therefore, the behaviour in the pub is not necessarily inconsistent with having been raped.

Hmmm tricky one. I also knew someone similar many years ago, she made allegations against a friend's husband and he called the police himself to clear his name.

We got suspicious because her story changed so many times and each of us heard a different version.

If your friend is going to court her story will be held to questioning and very close questioning at that.

I don't know what is more worrying, that she may have been raped and is being doubted or she is so desperate for attention she makes terrible allegations against an innocent man.

I would 'insist' on going to court with her saying things like "I am determined you will not face this alone" etc etc. If the 'case' is 'cancelled' time and time again your suspicions may be right.

It appears that she has problems. It could be as simple as attention seeking or as huge as she believes her lies to be true.

I have no idea at all whether you could do it, or it would be right to do so, but could you speak to someone at the police station mentioning your concerns that this is a lie. If she has gone to the police and identified someone an innocent man could be going through hell.

I have also known someone like this who told very similar lies.
My only advice is gradually back off. This is what i did and the person concerned no longer regales me with her dramatic stories.

Stayfrosty

Information about whether or not someone is an inpatient is easy to obtain. If you phone the ward and say you want to visit someone who isnt there the staff will just tell you that the person isnt a patient there.

ID parade at 3am is a no no for a start.

Offer a sympthatic ear as you have done aswellas ofering to go to court with her but would back off doing anything else for her at the moment.

The friend that she was with on the night of the 'alledged rape' would have been spoken to by police - perhaps you could have a word with her .

I knew someone just like this. She was raped, lost twin babies, had a child in Ireland who had died etc. One night to get attention off her boyfriend she feigned collapse and got an ambulance called. I know because she told me she was going to do it then collapsed (I went along with it was only 16). She was just a mashed up, mashed up person.

This is really difficult, I get what people are saying about just being supportive, but having been party to someone lying about having cancer, I can confirm it is pretty devastating and difficult to forgive, particularly when one of the group of friend's wife really did have cancer. It is sad but true that some people would stoop so low. I would back off too.

I know someone like this - i managed to practically cut him out of my life and LO! he truned up as an assistant at the NURSING HOME where I was a shift leader.

i had to take the manager aside and very awkwardly tell her that she had employed a drug taking, thieving compulsive liar who nevertheless did not have a criminal record and who had been convincingly jolly enough to fly through the interview.

fortunately, he wasn't very good at turning up on time either, so he was sacked for that before anything went missing from the drug cupboard or GOD FORBID a resident's personal property.

When does she say the incident occurred? How long after did she report it to the police? If it was within a day or so, it is highly likely they would have done a forensic examination of her.

If she had not washed the clothes she was wearing on the night it happened, they would have been taken for forensic analysis. Even if her clothes had been washed, the police would probably have taken her shoes and jewelry to see if they held traces of DNA.

Where does she say she went for the ID parade? The only ID parades that are normally ever done at that time of day would be a street search on the night of the incident- where police take the victim out in a car to the local area to see if they can spot the perpetrator.

It would make no sense to go back to the area days after the incident, in the hope that her attacker would randomly walk past. What the police would never do would be to take her to where they knew he was and ask her if that was the man who attacked her.

It is extremely unlikely that an ID parade at the police station would have been conducted at 3am. In almost all cases now ID parades are done by compiling a video montage of images, which can be shown to the victim at any time. The police would have no reason whatsoever to show it in the middle of night.

I very much doubt that even if they did a live parade they would have done so at 3am. I can't see how they would find sufficient (sober) volunteers on the street to come in at that time.

There are certain procedures that have to be followed for an ID parade, including the right of the defendant's lawyer to attend.

It is unlikely, but not impossible that a hearing date has been set. A defendant in a rape case, if kept in custody, would be taken to the Magistrates Court the following day, and the Magistrates would remit the case to the Crown Court to be heard for trial.

If the defendant is on bail, he would probably be going to the magistrates court about a week after he was charged.

You could ask her some sympathetic questions based on this information, and know that if she comes back with an account that differs from this she is lying.

What you do about that is up to you. Whether you continue to be her friend, encourage her to get professional help, which you will support her through, but let her know that you cannot trust her on anything she tells you (including whether she is getting help), or whether you drop the friendship, both would be justified responses.

Also had a friend like that. The lies were endless, but it's difficult to step back just in case. It's the whole boy who cried wolf situation isn't it?

If you can try to be there when she needs to talk, but not get too emotionally involved. Easier said than done, I know.

And it is frustrating. You should hear the list of stuff my friend came up with, one incident was to draw attention back to herself when my nan died.

Back off, would be my advice too.
I have known 2 people like this in my life, and they have both been poisonous, split their families and caused huge fallout to all around them.
One was when I was 16, and she put many people, including from my own family, against me - I felt like a typhoid carrier for some years after that, until I worked out just how far she had gone with her lies.
Typical lie: all her colleagues at work were horrible, they hated her and bullied her at work. Then, when I met them, they seemed very hostile, and obviously didnt like me.
A long time later, I worked out that, at work, she'd been telling lies about how I was horrible, hated her, and bullied her.

From what you've said she said, she's lying. You would never be woken by police for an ID parade at 3am for a start.

If she did positively identify the suspect and he was then charged, he would have to appear at magistrates court first (however serious the crime) and would be remanded into custody and the case (because serious) would be referred to Crown Court. There are then several hearings to set dates, bail, pleas etc before a trial goes ahead (if he was still pleading not guilty). This takes AGES, often over a year. There is no way your friend could know for sure she has to give evidence yet. Those are just the facts.

Harder to know for sure, but still quite likely, is how did they find this rapist (who I assume was a stranger) without any publicity? It is notoriously hard to find stranger attackers, and I find it hard to believe there would have been no local publicity (if only to warn other women that there was a violent rapist on the loose).

Your friend sounds disturbed. Love the fact "a black man" raped her btw

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am pretty sure she is lying again (Just to clarify - she was previously confronted by our boss about lying about having cancer and confessed that she had). There have been lots of little things she has lied about in the past too - but they were easier to ignore (most amusing that she was going to be in the olympic swimming team). The cancer and now the rape are just emotionally exhausting to deal with and as most of our other mutual friends have backed off I am having to deal with her by myself.

Has anyone had any experience of confronting someone who lies like this - any good way to do it - or likely consequence?

. get a new friend ....that ones disturbed.