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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is lying about being raped?

51 replies

feellikeahorriblebitch · 21/05/2010 13:17

I know this sounds awful but she does have a track record for lying about some really terrible things.

Last year she took time off work - she told everyone she had a cancerous lump that was being removed. Although she told us what hospital she was going to be in - she refused to let anyone visit her. However a couple of freinds decided to visit and the hospital had no record of her. To cut a very long story short it appeared that she did not have cancer and was disciplined at work for taking two weeks off plus subsequent appointemtns for chemo. I never really discussed this with her as I have been really worried about her mental health generally and did not think she would be able to handle the confrontation. I did ask our boss to disucss councilling with her - but I dont know what the result of this was.

Does anyone have any experience of this? At the moment I feel emotionally drained by this and I am not sure how to help her.

Posting using a different name from usual.

OP posts:
janajos · 22/05/2010 09:46

I was at university with a girl who lied about everything. She made up a boyfriend who died leaving her a trustfund, went to USA and met Joan Collins who told her she would be beautiful if she lost weight, if any of us had done something, paragliding, trip to India, you name it, she had done it.....

It was only when friends from home came into contact with friends from Uni that her lies were discovered, we had had suspicions but nothing concrete.

We confronted her with her lies and she did go for counselling for a time.

Most of us ended up losing contact with her, she trained as a lawyer, but never got a training contract as far as I know.

Good luck if you decide to confront your friend. Looking back, I think this girl was crying out for attention in all the wrong ways.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/05/2010 10:23

You have my deep, deep, sympathy. Around 20 years ago I had a DP like this, it was absolutely awful, you end up incapable of being sure of your own judgement on anyone or anything.
Has your friend, as far as you know, actually complained to the police? I mean, is there possibly an innocent actual man in actual custody? If so you might need to consider acting in some way, if she's just making the whole business up then you don't need to worry to mucy about it on that level.

(And yes, I do understand that even a compulsive liar can be the victim of a crime, it just sounds unlikely in this case).
I'm afraid I have no idea what can be done to help or fix liars like this, there is something fundamentally wrong with their wiring. I dumped my lying DP and did my best to cut contact completely, every now and again I would bump into him or he would ring up, and I would listen to him and after a while I would start feeling twitchy and edgy all over again as I knew that so much of what he was saying was bullshit... even though it was only an idle chat on the end of the phone it would bring the hairs up on the back of my neck.

Threepwood · 22/05/2010 18:55

Loony.

Bin her as a friend, you don't need the hassle.

qwertpoiuy · 22/05/2010 19:23

Stayfrosty, if you go to visit somebody in hospital, you can be informed which ward they are on - but not their condition.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 22/05/2010 19:45

I shared a house with a compulsive liar once, and it was draining. What was really worrying was she was training as a psychiatric nurse. But any time you contradicted her or pointed out things that didn't add up she'd turn it back on you. I ignored it for ages till she started involving me in her fantasies. Draining. Haven't seen her in years and hope I don't...

beaker25 · 22/05/2010 20:05

I knew someone like this once, she told such silly lies. One week she told us she had ovarian cancer and was having a hysterectomy as part of the treatment, made a big fuss of going to hospital for the 'op.' The next week she told us she was pregnant!

It was sad beacause she was such a nice girl without the lies. My group of friends really tried hard to be supportive, I think we thought with a good group of friends she'd give up on it, but she never did. Sadly, we just had to 'drift away' from her in the end. To those saying 'be supportive' it is so hard to support someone like this. It takes up all of your time and energy. Imagine getting a phone call late at night with another horror situation, and you have to drop everything just in case this is the one time it's true, it never ends.

beaker25 · 22/05/2010 20:10

As for trying to confront her, that's a tricky one! Is she a nice person apart from the lies? Would you like to be able to maintain the friendship?

moominmarvellous · 22/05/2010 20:27

My BIL is a compulsive liar - something my sister has commented on the past but generally ignores. In his case it's all bravado or avoidance, the latter often results in such pointless lies! E.g. last week he told me he'd called us a cab after a family party (no one knew a cab number in the area)and it would be half an hour.......turns out he hadn't even called a cab so we were just sat there waiting for nothing. It was 3a.m and 5 months pg and the only sober one left, I wasn't best pleased and basically quizzed him about who exactly he'd spoken to about this cab. I made it quite clear I knew he was lying - so he just lied some more, and no one says anything because it's just embarrassing. It was so ridiculous and unneccesary.

I'd probably do the same thing with your friend to an extent, and ask more questions around the harder to believe aspects. When it comes to the point where she gets annoyed with you, I'd probably say that I really want to be supportive, but so many things just don't add up, and after the cancer thing (assuming she knows you know about that) can she blame you for being skeptical?

These people are so hard to be around. If my BIL weren't my BIL, I'd avoid him like the plague. Nice enough guy, but I just don't believe a word he says.

notquitenormal · 22/05/2010 20:39

I used to work with someone who told everyone she's had a hysterectomy in her early 20s due to womb cancer. A year after I started she was pregnant! I wanted to asked how she'd managed it, not having a womb an all, because everyone told me not to say anything.

She lied constantly about other things too.

It was such a shame, apart from the ridiculous lying she was a lovely girl. We would have like her. Instead we just pitied her.

With rape though, being believed is such an important thing. I would probably give the benefit of the doubt until the clues otherwise were overwhelming.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/05/2010 20:47

How the HELL did you not say anything, notquitenormal?

Why on earth did people not just call her on it. Have you had a womb transplant, only you told us all you'd had a hysterectomy.

I don't understand why more people don't challenge liars. "Hang on, you told me that...." Why is it that it seems to be the 'done thing' to somehow protect the liar from facing the consequences of their lies. I seriously don't get it.

moominmarvellous · 22/05/2010 20:47

notquitenormal and beaker25....sounds like you two may have been colleagues with the same woman!

moominmarvellous · 22/05/2010 20:51

Hecate - I agree with you completely.

It's just weird, but having BIL being the way he is, sometimes you feel like you're challenging EVERYTHING they say, so sometimes have to let things slide. Also my sister can get really annoyed if you doubt him, when she herself said that he's always lying about stupid things.

I just dread the day he lies about something bigger, because I'll wish I'd have spoken up sooner, but she won't have it, so we just have to let them get on with it.

notquitenormal · 22/05/2010 21:09

Hectate: It was hard, really hard. I kept saying, "are we seriously not saying anything about this!" and they just told me to keep my trap shut and not cause trouble.

Then, and this was weird, from then on all but one acted as though they'd never even heard the hysterecomny story. If I bought it up I just got blank looks as if they didn't know what I was talking about.

I though I was going a bit mad for a while.

mrz · 22/05/2010 21:10

I think I've worked with her too!

One Friday she arrived late and very distraught understandable as she told us her daughter had been rushed into hospital and needed a heart transplant as she only had weeks to live. Sent home with lots of sympathy.
On Saturday she was spotted shopping ...with her daughter!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/05/2010 21:24

I wonder if it is a British thing Something we are not culturally equiped to be able to deal with. It's like if some woman came up to you in Tesco and whacked you across the face with her tits ... You have in no way been prepared or taught how to deal with that, so you ignore it.

It's why we walk away silently when a stranger says something offensive about our parenting (I've read countless stories on here about exactly that! the person said nothing!)

We say nothing in situations where we are totally unprepared because we have no social nicety / formula / whatever to fall back on. You know?

notquitenormal · 22/05/2010 22:07

Defintely would explain it, the one other person that didn't blank was South African. An I'm a bit common, that's my excuse.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/05/2010 23:45

It's that old thing - we basically expect other people to obey the (actually fairly loose) rules of human interaction: not to attack us randomly, to be kind, to be fair, to be telling the truth most of the time. And we don't always know what to do with people who trash any of those rules because we can't quite believe it's happening.

WHile I am fully aware that rape is particularly problematic in terms of victims being believed, I think that given the obvious nonsense the liar has come out with (3am identity parades etc) the OP needn't lose too much sleep over not believing her. Basically I can;t offer more advice than, walk away. You can't fix people like this and staying close to them will wear you out and drive you nuts.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/05/2010 09:58

That's it in a nutshell SGB the rules! I like rules. I need rules.

I suppose it's cos I'z mundane

btw - how the devil are you doing? Last time I was on a thread with you you were off to shithole Bolsover to conduct a ceremony.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/05/2010 19:24

Hecate:I am fine, gosh that was a while ago. Have you ben tkinga MN break?

rockinhippy · 23/05/2010 19:50

oh dear, poor you, having dealt with a few people like this over the years, my Mother included, you really do have my sympathy, these emotional vampires are extremely draining & sadly as I learned the hard way, FEED on the attention,

So from experience, I would say that everything you are doing. that sounds supportive & helpful in any other "normal" situation, but sadly with this type of munchausens like behaviour, all you are doing is been her "enabler" in that you feed her with the attention she craves, which only makes he want more.....& come back with bigger & better stories to hook you....someone else has already said...back off.......harsh as it sounds I'm afraid I agree....... if you get too involved it can even end up making you ill, these people can be EXTREMELY stressful to deal with, & in reality you need to look after yourself, or she could end up sucking you dry.

One friend on mine who also had several bout of Cancer, MS, beaten by various boyfriends, pregnant every month, raped a few times, etc etc, sadly did eventually die some 30 years later...of Cancer.......a lot of us were disbelieving right up to nearly the end, as we'd all heard it so many times before.......I expected to feel guilty as hell over it when she finally died....I didn't at all........nor did any of our other mutual friends

TheShriekingHarpy · 23/05/2010 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/05/2010 21:01

sometimes. I think we've just not been hanging out on the same threads.

StrictlyTory · 23/05/2010 22:32

I had a friend like this at school. Said she had had about 3 MC's at 15... but never went to the Doctor about it

Then she started cutting herself, but she would roll her sleves up in December to make sure everyone saw the cuts and then say her 'cat' did it with this strange little smile. It was very odd and exhausting tbh.

Cadders1 · 24/05/2010 09:15

I think you are right about distancing myself, but it is difficult as we work together. I think I am being an enabler at the moment, I am also concerned about a new girl that has started at work who has been round her house a few times - not sure if I should say something to her about the lies or not.

Think I will also go to the police station to ensure no charge has been logged.

peaches2010 · 24/05/2010 20:48

This wouldnt be your friend would it?

So sad, wish they'd name and shame the woman, deserves to be locked up for a looong time