to be angry at H for smacking DS for not giving him the remote control

[backtothedrawingboard]

DS is nearly 9 years old. H smacked him on the bottom when he wouldn't give H the remote control because H was playing on the Wii and didn't want DS to turn the television over. IMO it was totally unnecessary and left DS with a red handprint and very upset. AIBU??

OP you may be interested in this link:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4175905.stm

nobody, your link proves all my points.

Oh bloody hell - I can't believe that I am in the position of defending a smacker!

But honestly. It sounds as if this child would up his father to the point where the father smacked. Shouldn't have done it. Obviously.

But unless there is much more to this, he is not an abuser, and the OP is not colluding in abuse, and the social services have much better things to do than spend time on cases like this. And it does seem a bit extreme to say that the OP should leave because of this.

I'm not making excuses. I'm concerned. I am an intelligent adult on the verge of walking out of my H's life having been with him for 21 years. He is a controlling man who gets angry and I know I have let him have control of my life.

Before we had children, he once threatened to hit me (before we were living together) and when our DD was tiny, he punched a hole in the wall of our bedroom because he was stressed. But this was 13 years ago. The smack yesterday was a shock and I am worried what he might be capable of now.

I just wanted an opinion from MN whether other people might think this was acceptable.

Ah. Now you tell us that he is controlling, violent and angry and you were already thinking of leaving him. That does change things rather.

But he hasn't been violent for such a long time and we put up with the anger. The controlling bit is the thing I'm working on at the moment - trying to take control back. The smack yesterday took it all to a different level.

seeker - why does it change things?

Back - I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I must ask when you say "But he hasn't been violent for such a long time and we put up with the anger"

Who is the we you are referring to here? Does this include your DC? If it does include them - saying we "put up with it" implies they have a choice. I don't think they do really, they are just children who are subjected to his anger. You however do have a choice as to what you all have to "put up with".

This is all a bit strange. If all he's ever done in the way of physical violence is get cross once before marriage (over 20 years ago) and punched a wall once (over 13 years ago), then I don't think there's really much in the way of physical abuse. Lots of parents smack and tap and so on all the time, perhaps they don't come on MN much, but yesterday, I saw a mum at the school pinch her child really hard on the arm as he was messing about (she pulled and pinched at the same time IYSWM). This was a three year old and I felt quite sick as it was obviously her usual way of getting him into line (shouting 'ow, it hurts, it hurts) plus it was done very deliberately instead of a smack so no-one could see

So, clearly not a large amount of physical abuse so far. One smack in the heat of the moment isn't great, but really not the concern of SS. HOWEVER, you say he is angry all the time. I agre that's horrible, frightening for the children and you should be addresing that with your husband immediately (e.g. anger management, leaving whatever). The smack is kind of a red herring, in that he probably won't smack again (unless there is a history of smacking you've missed out). You need to pay attention to the control and anger which is already happening, rather than waiting for odd occasions of kicking walls or one threat to justify your feelings that this is an unhealthy and unhappy situation (you can't really wait another 13 years!)

OP I feel sorry for your situation, it doesn't seem as clear-cut as some are trying to make it. presumably your ds is reasonably comfortable around dh or he wouldn't risk winding him up in the first place? The fact that ds and you are so upset about it shows that it's outside the norm for your family but the most worrying thing is that your dh is trying to brush it off or justify what's completely unjustifiable. If he had hit an adult that hard who was aggravating him what would be the consequence? If he hit YOU that hard if you were 'winding him up' what would you do? Anyone can get annoyed and computer games are defnitely a flashpoint - my dh has stomped out of the room and sulked, remotes have been chucked, stupid words said but never a reaction like you have described. Talk to you dh tonight together with ds - make a big big issue of it and see what his response is. If it's any less than you want to hear you have to start thinking of getting out.

Just to answer my own question - if he hit an adult that hard he would be guilty of assault and no debate about it.

Last time my H did this to my DS who was five then I gave him an upper cut and told him that if he ever did that to my DS again I would have him. I do not condone violence but I was so angry and wanted him to feel the same pain he had exercised on my DS. Needless to say he NEVER did that again.

must hide thread. sorry. now we are told told of this abuse and controlling and that op was already thinking of leaving.
so i take back all my comments. not relevant in light of recent posts.

Point out that smacking is a failure on the part of the parent, not the child and smacking so hard it leaves a mark is illegal. I left my ex because, after 6 yrs of him hitting me,he hit our son around the head for spilling a drink. Not acceptable.