to be angry at H for smacking DS for not giving him the remote control

[backtothedrawingboard]

DS is nearly 9 years old. H smacked him on the bottom when he wouldn't give H the remote control because H was playing on the Wii and didn't want DS to turn the television over. IMO it was totally unnecessary and left DS with a red handprint and very upset. AIBU??

Surely in nobodys opinion can this be construed as "reasonable chastisement" . Three year old running into the road, quick tap, ok just about but only just wouldnt do it myself by ok. This totally off the mark.

Am very at this OP. He hit him hard enough to leave a mark over a computer game? And on top of that, he won't recognize that this was inappropriate? That's very very worrying.

My DH has, in the past, been obsessive about computer games, but this would NEVER result in him hitting one of our children, even if they switched off the playstation at the crucial FA cup final on FIFA...

not saying it is.
but some people object to the road running tap more.
am not condoning either. just saying, that on all smacking threads 'reasonable' and thus reasobale chastisement is subjective.
some don't understand the tapping when there is danger logic.
some posters don't understand the child who has been warned and warned, naughty stepped, then sent to room, then parent loses control , smacks. some posters can't understand that chain either.

subjective is no good in law/ illegal terms.

I wonder if Op is going to tell us more ? not that any of us is agreeing or condoning. does dh think what he did was reasonable ?
has the 9 yr old been pushing boundaries for a while. not responding to requests, talks, other disciplining methods. why did dh lose control over this. it can't have been just the wii thta is the problem here can it ?
did dh warn and warn the 9 yr old ?

just asking.

Definitely not reasonable chastisement, and very concerning that your DH doesn't recognise this (although I notice he's just 'H'...)

Like others have said, this is illegal, and in the long term, damaging for your DS.

If your H does not agree this is unacceptable then there is nothing to stop it happening again and I would say you need to be thinking seriously about what you are going to do to protect your DS.

this is very worrying that he lost his temper and smacked.
i had to use light smacks with my DS when he was younger, but i was in control of myself and my emotions at the time [long story] hitting a child out of rage and anger is NOT acceptable, especialy not a 9 year old with a mark left on him!
if he is capable of hitting a child as an instinctive reaction over a bloody game, id be worried. and i would sell type console.
a parent can lose control with rage, but NEVER take it out physically on their child. i have become this angry and frustrated with my DS but i have left and smashed plates, because why on earth would i let myself near my child with this destructive anger?

also, NOONE gets this angry over a game. this is really worrying OP

Actually nellyjane, as I have just said this is NOT ILLEGAL.
Maybe it should be, but actually as the law currently stands IT IS NOT.

It is argued that the leaving a mark, is unclear. in that is the mark red ? a bruise ? it is argued that black children do not have a mark left, i.e a red mark from smacking.
That is why the leaving a mark and for how long , is an area of the law that needs quantifying.

Hi Oblomov, no need for caps

I've worked with families where parents have been arrested and children have been video-interviewed by the police following similar incidents. And where the person who has caused the mark has had to leave the family home while child protection assessments are completed.

I agree that the law is open to interpretation and needs clarifying. But the OP states that the smack left a red handprint.

I don't believe in smacking children. At all. Ever. For anything. At any age. Even for this constant running into the road and playing with electric sockets that the children of pro smackers seem to spend their lives doing.

But I am wondering exactly what the child in the OP was doing. The father seems to be getting it in the neck, not just because he smacked, but because he smacked over a TV remote control. If the child was being incredibly irritating, repeatedly spoiling his father's game, repeatedly refusing to give up the remote when asked properly - I can see why in a "smacking" family this could build to the point where in a pro smacking family an smack would be considered appropriate. I don't, but then i don'r believe in smacking at all.

I am that you heard it from upstairs.

A bit off the point-but is it likely that your son would have changed channels?
If so, why didn´t your husband just put the remote out of reach when he started playing?

If you are angry about it you need to say something.. If he will loose his temper like that while you are there, what happens when you are not?
If you don't say anything you are sending out a message that this is an ok way for your husband to control situations with your son.. and by your own post you see that it is not!

Print off this thread and show it to him.

I hope (if he has any conscience at all) he realises he's over stepped the mark by a long way and his refusal to talk about it is mostly due to embarrassment and inability to justify his actions.

At the very LEAST he should apologise to his little boy for hurting him.

Whatever you think about smacking the OP should throw the wii in the bin and ban her husband from watching tv.
Christ grown men hitting children because they don't want to share. Pathetic

nellyjane, sorry fro caps. no actually not sorry. wasn't alot of caps. just highlighting poignant words.
your post proves me point. But i am actually intrigued. becasue social servcies do not investigate , based on smacking alone. becasue smacking is not illegal. but i am of course intrigued thus, as to what would have to happen, to instigate the person having to leave the home. how long does the mark need to be there to instigate that ? at all ? 3 minues ? overnight ? and what is that decision based on ? becasue the law does not specify how long a mark needs to be there.
so who decides ?

What is it with men and the bloody remote? It makes DH irrational too. Is is a territorial thing?

wonka, what do you think will happen when the OP is not there ?
Do you do something when your dh is around that you do more when he is not ?
I try not to shout. Becasue I don't think that is good parenting. But sometimes I do. I get cross. I shout at ds1 when dh is at home and when he is not.
I often question when people make that statement, 'oh i wonder what goes on when you're not there'. errr. sorry. whats that got to do with the price of fish ? do you think that unwatched the person turns into a raving banshee ?

I'm back online although I shouldn't be as I'm at work (but really worried now). The smack was hard through his school trousers and I checked to see if it had marked his bottom because he was crying tears of hurt rather than anger. He clearly had a red mark with signs of it being a handprint. A couple of hours later, at bedtime, his bottom was still red. It was fine this morning.

My DS can be a wind-up merchant - no different than any boy his age! H (and I do mean H and not DH) was playing Golf on the Wii and DS wanted to watch something on the TV. So he was goading DH saying that he was going to turn the TV over. I heard this from upstairs but its a fairly normal scene in our house - H getting angry at DD and DS because they're not doing what he wants them to do. However, the smack was a bolt out of the blue. H did smack DCs occasionally when they were pre-school (he always felt it wasn't wrong) but has only threatened it since.

H asked me when we went to bed last night what was wrong, because I was quiet. I said it was because he had smacked DS. But, again, H feels justified that he did it. He even said to me that he thought about doing it before he did but decided to anyway.

In the cold light of day (and with the aid of Google!), I'm sure this counts as common assault but I'm not going to get police involved. That would be awful for both DCs.

Your son is a CHILD excuses are just that excuses, you weren't talking about him 'winding' him up yesterday. Your as much as an abuser as your H now.
I hope there is someone close enough that your DS, who cares for him more than you, that he can tell about this.
SS will take a dim view on your behavior as well as your H.

Being that you let your H away with it and feels what he did was right I sure he will do it again, what are you going to do then?

It sounds to me like the two of you need to have a discussion about what you both consider to be acceptable disciplining techniques. You clearly don't agree with hitting children, but your H sees it as acceptable. I think with something as fundamental as that, both parents need to be on the same page otherwise the rot sets in.

I'm not sure if I'm more shocked that he actually thought about it before he did it and still thought it was the right thing to do!?

So he was goading your dh and trying to ruin his game. `why should your husband put up with this - should he have just handed the TV over to his 9 year old because he wanted it?

I repeat, I don't believe in smacking, (at all, ever, for anything,at any age) but surely if you do, then this sort of repeated behaviour that doesn't stop when other methods are used is just the sort of situation where the "short sharp shock" argument applies?

Op, glad you came back.
Don't get in trouble at work. You have alot to think about. I am not sure thta I have typed this before, in my 7 years of Mn, but maybe you need to consider leaving your dh. I think there is alot going on that needs work here. You prob need to get help, advice, time. But at the very heart, my guess is that this difference is irreconcilable. so hope i'm wrong.

i don't think it is common assault. i have listed the failings of the law on smacking, in my previous posts. but others may disagree. they may think it is assault and that you should report h to the police immediately. i don't. but thats just me.
once again, not that i am condoning dh's behaviour.

nobody, why would ss take a dim view of Op's behaviour ? That is just not true. My step dad retired after 40 years of ss service yesterday. He ran county departments. And I don't think he would agree with your comment.

Agree with seeker. I tried everyhting with my son. Then smacked him 3 times. Not proud. That didn't work. Stopped that. To date, nothing works. We are still struggling with behavior.
Not that I am condoning or advising smacking at all, but also , dh should not need to put up with ds, a 9 year olds, goading and goading.
Tricky situation.
Once Op sorts it, I am all ears on her techniques though.

They often take a dim view of parents who protect an abuser. Personal experience.

The OP herself has said she felt this was common assault so how on earth she can make excuses for this behavior and accept it disgusts me.