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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told friend that I can see why people suspect her dh of having an affair?

30 replies

NotWithMyHusband · 19/05/2010 15:02

Friend's dh is a very outgoing, sociable bloke, generally chats to anyone and everyone. In about the past six months he's become very friendly with another of the school mums, and rumours have begun circulating that they are having an affair.

She has become more and more upset by this, because she swears that he's not having an affair, and he's been getting upset about it too and taking it out on her.

Thing is, I can see why people would jump to this conclusion. He and this woman seem to spend all their time together, they walk to school together, stand whispering in the playground, walk back together and often he stops at her car and again they stand whispering in the carpark for ages and if you walk past and speak to them there is a real feeling that you've interupted something. The chemistry between them is very obvious.

So yesterday this was mentioned again, and I said that tbh while I'm sure there's nothing going on, I can actually see why people think there might be, and that while it's obviously none of anyone's business if he wants to have female friends, he might want to think about how the way he interacts with this woman looks to others if he doesn't want other people jumping to conclusions.

So ibu?

OP posts:

biddysmama · 19/05/2010 15:06

yabu

men and women can be friends without it being an affair.. why should they stop being friends because of gossipmongers?

SongBiird · 19/05/2010 15:07

Did she ask you for your opinion? Do you suspect him of having an affair? If not YABU to say what you did!!!!!

SongBiird · 19/05/2010 15:08

Maybe he likes being friendly with that woman because she is not a gossip?

Oblomov · 19/05/2010 15:10

it doesn't take much to make people talk, does it ?
but is that the problem here ?
some people are very private and wouldn't like to be talked about. other people don't care. some would make an announcememnt in the playground' we are not having an affair, we're just friends, for YOUR information'. others wouldn't. some would tone it down. others would do it more, just to spite.
but, the thing is , that friend is upset, yes ?
so presumably something needs to be done. something.

Original poster

NotWithMyHusband · 19/05/2010 15:12

I didn't say they couldn't be friends. The same bloke has lots of other female friends and it would never have occurred to most people that he might be having an affair with any of them. But this is different.

They stand huddled together, their body language is such that they clearly don't want to share their space with anyone else.

They stand there whispering and gigglling with each other like teenagers.

They practically ignore anyone else around them, so involved are they in what each other is saying etc.

If you listen to them talking to each other he is constantly flattering her, telling her how beautiful she is etc.

If that's what he considers innocent friendship that's his perogative. But most people don't consider such intimacy between two married people to be the norm, and it is therefore not surprising that they have started to make their own assumptions.

I didn't say I thought he was having an affair btw, in fact I said I was sure he wasn't. But I did say that the way they seem to interact might well be the reason why people thought there might be something going on.

OP posts:

LoveBeing33 · 19/05/2010 15:13

All you've done is tell her why people have being saying that. You don't think he is cause you know him. YANBU

However everyone else is bu if they think this must mean they are having an affair!

VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 19/05/2010 15:14

YABU, there is a dad in DD's class (well, not in the class...) who is very caustic and funny and when we have a chat we tend to do it quite sneakily as we are gossiping. Nothing wrong with that.

My best friend as a teen was a boy and for years everybody assumed we were secretly going out, even though I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. It's pathetic, and used to really upset his girlfriend so, rather sadly, we stopped spending so much time together.

AndieWalsh · 19/05/2010 15:16

'If you listen to them talking to each other he is constantly flattering her, telling her how beautiful she is etc.'

Really? That is odd. Are you 100% sure? Did you tell your friend this?

RedRedWine1980 · 19/05/2010 15:16

You can hear him telling her she is beautiful? Bloody hell exactly how close are you standing by them?

Oblomov · 19/05/2010 15:17

I was with you, and thought nothing of it until ...

"If you listen to them talking to each other he is constantly flattering her, telling her how beautiful she is etc"

if dh was doing this i wouldn't mind. i don't think. but if he was repeatedly telling her how beautiful. then i think thta would be a bit much for me.

and did you tell HER this. the bit about beautiful. becasue i think i would question dh on thta. nothing mattered, till you typed that.

does she know THAT part ?

Oblomov · 19/05/2010 15:18

if dh tells someone they look good, are beautiful that is a complimetn and i like thta. but repeatedly. now come on.

Cretaceous · 19/05/2010 15:19

Oh, you're not the woman he's talking to, are you? Otherwise, you must have very good hearing!

HappySlapper · 19/05/2010 15:19

Personally... I think they're having an affair.

Cretaceous · 19/05/2010 15:21

HappySlapper Surely he'd be having the affair with the mum he didn't talk to, and said he disliked!

feedmenow · 19/05/2010 15:24

I don't think YABU. You haven't said you think he's having an affair - just that you can understand why itmight look that way to others.

If I was in your position I wouldn't mention it again (unless she asks) because you've done your "friend" job and told her. What she (and he) do with what you've said is there business.

If you were my friend I would have appreciated you telling me.

notwavingjustironing · 19/05/2010 15:25

I'm puzzled now. So if they are whispering, and if you go near them they make you think you have interrupted something, then presumably they have stopped whispering?

So how, exactly, do you know what is being said?

I'm very impressed with your batlike hearing!

Original poster

NotWithMyHusband · 19/05/2010 15:27

I was close enough to hear him tell her she was, not looked, was, beautiful. They were standing to one side and not talking that quietly because there were lots of kids running around etc so guess they thought nobody was listening.

I have actually stood having a conversation with them and she was talking about her chocolate consumption and said she should give up and he said there was no need because she was gorgious the way she is. Well I was there obv so maybe that's just how he talks to people, but not everyone might think that.

All I said to his wife was that they do spend a lot of time talking, that he seems to flatter her a lot (others have mentioned this too) but didn't relay actual conversations.

But he's been upset over it all and has told his wife that he bearly speaks to the woman.

OP posts:

ginhag · 19/05/2010 15:31

It actually sounds,not just like you can see how others might think he's having an affair,but that you actually think they are right. Do you?

notwavingjustironing · 19/05/2010 15:34

this is one of those AIBU by stealth threads isn't it?

In a minute you are going to tell us that actually you saw them together at some other time aren't you?

Or maybe not. But I agree with the others who have said that you have done the decent thing by your friend. If you -genuinely- believe that it's innocent then maybe have a word in his ear yourself as a casual bystander that you think it might be upsetting your friend.

But to be honest, although you are saying the words, you aren't really convincing me that you think it's innocent. If you can't convince me, an imaginary person in the ether, then you're not going to sound very convincing to her either!

JaceyBee · 19/05/2010 15:35

There are two people at work that carry on like this. Always whispering together. Makes others feel a bit uncomfortable and gooseberry-like. And people gossip, that's what people do rightly or wrongly.

Doesn't sound like they are actually having an affair but it does sound like an overly intense friendship and I think YANBU to point out that it doesn't look great.

VoulezVouzCrochezAvecJACK · 19/05/2010 15:35

Oh sorry, xposts and missed it was AIBU by stealth.

I'll be off then

SongBiird · 19/05/2010 15:37

"If you listen to them talking to each other he is constantly flattering her, telling her how beautiful she is etc"

Ok that seems a bit odd, or maybe just a step too far. Even if this is innocent, I think I would like to be able to tackle my dh on this specific matter. Did you tell your friend this? And did she ask you? and as Ginhag says (I know you told her you didn't) but here on mumsnet in secret ; do you think he's having an affair?

Ladyanonymous · 19/05/2010 15:40

It sounds like you are jealous and would like him to be telling you how beautiful and gorgeous you are ...

Original poster

NotWithMyHusband · 19/05/2010 15:44

I don't think they're having an affair, but I think they could, given the opportunity.

No I've never seen them anywhere other than at school and at the shops near the school on their way home.

Apologies it wasn't intended to be ibu by stealth.

OP posts:

notwavingjustironing · 19/05/2010 15:46

Ah ha!!

"at the shops near the school on their way home"

Kiiiilllll them.......

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