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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"sponging'' kids

52 replies

kentDee · 17/05/2010 23:39

We are best friends with a couple who have 2 boys and to be totally honest Im sick and tired of their children.

We all went out yesterday to a family event, with my dd and dh too. I made a packed lunch for my dd and has soon as the boys had seen her lunchbox they started eating the contents. I intervened ( not for the first time) because she is not old enough to say no to them. It really gets on my nerves the parents dont intervene and I always look like the baddie.

It happens all the time when we go out. They never have sandwiches with them , or icecream treats etc and when they stay at ours for the weekend the kids are always in and out of the cupboards, fridge, wanting to get treats from the shop etc. Its driving me nuts. Its not my job to discipline other peoples children is it?

Do you think Im being unfair?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 17/05/2010 23:45

It depends, if I am hosting an event I expect to provide for everyone. If it's a joint arrangement then they need to be told what they can have and what they can't. If someone stays at my home then I expect to cater for them totally.

mumbar · 17/05/2010 23:45

YANBU. full stop. how rude to go through someone else's cupboards lunch boxes etc.

Original poster
kentDee · 17/05/2010 23:53

Surely the children shouldnt be going through cupboards and looking in the fridge for most of the weekend.They are older than my dd who is only 20m. They have no manners and never say thank you for anything. The parents dont say a single word to correct them or stop them taking things without asking for it first.

Yesterday was the icing on the cake for me. Ive had enough

OP posts:
flatpackassemblyDiva · 17/05/2010 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kentDee · 17/05/2010 23:58

They usually come over for a bbq, but as soon as they arrive they are both in the fridge and looking in my cupboards!!!!!!!

Yesterday pissed me off because we were out all day and the mother never packed a lunch for her family, instead her boys ate all of my dds!!!!!!!!! My dh has had enough of them now too, and it usually takes alot to wind him up!!!!!!

OP posts:
Rockbird · 17/05/2010 23:58

Bit unfair to blame the 'sponging' kids when it's the useless parents at fault. Poor kids are probably starving and don't know any better. How old are they?

cece · 17/05/2010 23:59

If they are your best friends then this needs to be sorted. I think you will need to be honest with your firends and tell them how you feel.

Otherwise you might have to see them less often or only as couples - no children.

Original poster
kentDee · 18/05/2010 00:02

The kids are 9 and 5. Yes i know the parents are at fault but what can I do????????

OP posts:
Rockbird · 18/05/2010 00:04

If they're your best friends then you should be able to say something. At the very least the next time they stick their paws out I'd say 'hey, I didn't realise I was catering for all of you. Go and ask your mother/father for your lunch, that's DD's'.

Original poster
kentDee · 18/05/2010 00:04

We are all close friends but have totally different parenting skills. It will cause tension between us all if I mentioned how much it was annoying me.

OP posts:
cece · 18/05/2010 00:05

9 and 5 year olds should not be behaving in this way. Definitely speak to the parents!

werewolf · 18/05/2010 00:05

I'm surprised you're still best friends! And if you are best friends, why can't you bring it up?

Rockbird · 18/05/2010 00:05

And it isn't causing tension now?

Original poster
kentDee · 18/05/2010 00:06

Thanks rockbird, I will give that a go!

OP posts:
Original poster
kentDee · 18/05/2010 00:11

They just let their kids "get on with it" when they are visiting, and we all have a lovely catch up and then we dont see them for another month or so. The parents joke that the kids are always eating but thats all they say! Its hard because i dont want to fall out with them over it. We all had a row after xmas over a different child issue and didnt talk for a month!

OP posts:
werewolf · 18/05/2010 00:18

Don't think sponging kids - think hungry kids. Your friends are rude not to stop them and not feeding them when you're on a day out - words fail me. The kids must be starving!

flatpackassemblyDiva · 18/05/2010 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 18/05/2010 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBride · 18/05/2010 01:05

I can't believe that any child/teenager thinks it's acceptable to go to someone else's house and take food without asking.

I just find that shockingly rude and I would judge any parent who thought it was ok for their child to do that. It's just really really bad manners.

ZacharyQuack · 18/05/2010 01:21

When they come to your house (I assume you have invited them) have food ready. When you go out for the day, make sure you mention beforehand to the parents that you are taking food for your DD (have the "shall we take picnics or get food there?" convo)

It sounds like their boys are older than your DD, and might be hungrier. If they have always helped themselves at your house then they won't know that they shouldn't. Provide plenty of food for them, so that they don't need to find their own. If they do start going through the fridge, stop them.

It's ok to 'discipline' someone else's child if you politely and firmly tell them "No you can't do that"

SloanyPony · 18/05/2010 01:52

I'd probably bring extra for everyone and be flattered about them going through my fridge etc. Its a credit to you as a provider of food that they prefer your stuff

I am a bit Monica-from-Friends about that kind of thing though and could do with another hobby really

Oenopod · 18/05/2010 10:52

They're not New Zealanders are they? I was so shocked when my FIL just helped himself to food at ours without asking. Not just grabbing an apple, but cutting bread and searching out for jam, making a sandwich - and right after lunch!

My DH does it at my parents' house - walks right in and straight to the fridge and cupboard.

It is apparently quite normal behaviour down there! I have cousins in NZ and when we've stayed, we were expected to help ourselves to what we wanted. Asking was almost seen as taking the piss. Almost like expecting them to wait on us.

Can't win!

emsyj · 18/05/2010 11:00

I would much prefer people to help themselves to food in our house, it's so much less effort if people just sort themselves out, but I wouldn't do it in someone else's house as it is not good manners. So YANBU to want them to ask before helping themselves, although I wouldn't feel too put out about it, it means they feel at home in your house which is good, no?

If you are going on a picnic/day out involving lunch I think it is weird to make a packed lunch for your own child and nothing for the other people. I would either be taking a big cool box full of food for everyone or nothing at all, in expectation that we'd stop somewhere to eat. I do think that is very bizarre and quite selfish. Also possibly a bit unrealistic to expect the other children to understand that the little box of food is a fixed meal for one person and there's nothing for anyone else. I would find that a weird concept as an adult.

So YABU and YANBU on different issues.

Mowgli1970 · 18/05/2010 11:03

It's a difficult balance isn't it? Would you be willing to make extra picnic stuff for a day out and hand it to them with an "I've made this especially for YOU!" That would stop them stealing your dd's food (unacceptable behaviour, but difficult to stop if their parents say nothing ). If they're at your house, perhaps you could hide stuff at the top of the fridge/shelves and put things you think they'd like at a reachable level. You could say "I'm happy for you to eat as much as you like, but you must ask first." and see what the reaction is. I'd feel for the kids - sponging parents IMO! Different people have different standards though - my sil tells me to put the kettle on as soon as she's through the door of my house, but she told ds off for taking a grape from her fruit bowl at her house . We don't see them very often, so consider how much you value their friendship before making this an issue.

scaryteacher · 18/05/2010 11:07

I'd be providing for my own child and wouldn't expect anyone else to do so, so YANBU. I would not expect to feed everyone, unless it had been arranged that I would. I would NOT be providing for everyone if my friends were just too fecking lazy to do it.

The other children at 9 and 5 are old enough to be told that the food isn't for them; and I would be saying to your friend at the event that your kids are hungry, you'd better feed them.