"sponging'' kids

[kentDee]

We are best friends with a couple who have 2 boys and to be totally honest Im sick and tired of their children.

We all went out yesterday to a family event, with my dd and dh too. I made a packed lunch for my dd and has soon as the boys had seen her lunchbox they started eating the contents. I intervened ( not for the first time) because she is not old enough to say no to them. It really gets on my nerves the parents dont intervene and I always look like the baddie.

It happens all the time when we go out. They never have sandwiches with them , or icecream treats etc and when they stay at ours for the weekend the kids are always in and out of the cupboards, fridge, wanting to get treats from the shop etc. Its driving me nuts. Its not my job to discipline other peoples children is it?

Do you think Im being unfair?

Oenopod - perhaps it was just your DH's family that help themselves? The rest of us Kiwi's have manners.

In fact, we're generally pretty repressed .

ZacharQuack - you might be right! Very nice and lovely people - just different attitudes. Once I got over the initial shock I was quite flattered the PIL felt at home enough to do it!

But if we go there I'd starve if I didn't help myself!

You reckon Kiwis are more repressed than Brits? I suppose a lot of them are only two or three generations away from being Brits!

Prepare. Hide stuff you don't want them to have, only have stuff around that you're happy for them to help themselves to. Buy stuff that you're happy for them to graze upon.It doesn't have to be expensive/good quality, it's not your job to nourish them.
Do not let them raid your little DD's lunchbox, say "here's yours".

The alternative of course is to raise the issue with the possibility of bad feeling as a result.

emsyj, why should OP provide food for everyone on a day out? 'very bizarre and quite selfish' - are you serious? In fact, I just had to reread your post to make sure I had it right. I would think it quite bizarre and very selfish if someone expected me to make lunch for everyone if we hadn't agreed it first!

OP, as someone said, next time you're going out have the 'shall we take packed lunches for the kids' conversation with them. Boys that age (well, any age ) are a bottomless pit so it's very unfair of them to eat a toddlers lunch.

And btw I thought this was going to be a thread about people who don't bathe their children

I would be mad too! When my kids were little (under 2) I always had a little stash of food for them as quite often places we went to had poor choices for them (fussy eaters) and at least I would know that thye would be able to have something to eat. If I was taking snacks I would take enough for all the kids, but not lunch for them - not my kids so not my shout.

If it was a picnic then I would expect their parents to supply some food.

Dont like the idea of them going in your cupboards and fridge at your house - that is plain rude! I guess you by stuff specially for when they come to visit - I presume it is not an unexpected visit? so I would hide or not buy my usual weekly food shopping until after they had gone, and move treats, etc to a locked place so they could not raid it.

I would have to say something to their parents though, if it bothered me that much.

yes androbobb, snacks are different to meals aren't they? Whenever dd and her bff get together (away from the home, I mean) my friend and I both take snacks for both girls, just a little something for each. We always have different things and it's nice for them to have the same.

didn't mean to imply that noone else knows that snacks are different to meals . Think I need to shut up and get back to work!

So you let these people come to your house and help themselves? Why not just lock your kitchen door?
Tell the parents to their face that their children are basically stealing from you.
Next time you go out make sure that they know they have to provide their own food and that you will NOT get their kids ice-creams.
But first of all, have some way of locking all tempting snacks away.

On the face of it, it seems as though they are being very rude!
There could be another side to it though. For example if you are all going out for the day and they are planning to buy lunch in the cafe so dont have anything with them, but you pull out a big bag of crisps at 11am as a mid morning snack for your DD... in that situation or similar I'd expect you to share out the crisps with all 3 children tbh

you are blaming the kids - YADBU! and you are feeling resentful against the kids who are doing what they are doing because your best friends haven't sorted them out.

How about taking it up with the parents - they are your BEST FRIENDS after all - surely you can have a conversation like that with best friends!

Had you pre-arranged that it was picnics and not buying lunch out? Perhaps your friends had planned to buy something to eat, but then you got out a lunchbox of food for your DD? Was it a proper meal or was it just snacks in the lunchbox? If I take a snack for DS I always take enough for everyone cos I know how much DS plays up if someone else has something to eat and he doesn't.

what horrendus behaviour! i think you need to sort this out once and for all. it is very bad manners to go in the cupboards/fridge when you are the guest. just say no and be firm and hope it get the point over to hte parents.

with regard to the lunchbox issue, be ready next time and when they are about to pounce on dd say loudly to the parents 'i think your two are ready for lunch -where are their lunch boxes - shall i get them out for you?'

i am still shocked though! but you need to give them really clear boundaries. my god daughter tried to go in my cupbaords here once when she was littler (now 2.5) and what i got from mum was 'oh yes, its because dgm lets her turn out the cupboards at their house' (inward sigh at grandma!) so she got a stern 'well gd, this is my house and you may not go in the cupboards' yes, she cried but she never did it again but she loves coming here still.

Try 'I've noticed your children always seem hungry, last time they ate all DD's lunch, they don't have worms do they?'

Might shame them into taking it?

I have had this problem before where I'm always the prepared one bringing the food etc to outings, it not only is more work but quite costly when done reguarly.
Now I'm more direct and say something like 'it will be great to see you at XYZ, i was going to bring sandwiches, fruit and crisps, can you bring some sausage rolls and pudding'
Yes I look bossy as a result, but having decided recently to own my bossiness I don't care, they get a nice lunch out of it too after all.

Yes, I am serious. Either provide for everyone or don't take anything at all would be my idea. But I think it's odd that it wasn't/isn't discussed in advance. If I was going out for the day with our friends and their little boy, I would say 'what are we going to do for lunch?' and would expect there to be some agreement about what we were going to do. What I would find weird would be to turn up to a day out with another family and find that they had packed themselves up a little lunch and said nothing about it and then to say 'oh we're alright but you can fend for yourself'. I just wouldn't behave like that myself. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick up a fuss if someone did that or fall out with a friend over it, but I would privately find it quite sad that someone would sort themselves out and not be bothered about everyone else. Maybe I am odd, but that's how I feel about it.

If they did that at my house I would just say, "Oh, you can have one of the cookies in the cupboard or some of the fruit I've got in the bowl, but the other things are for our dinner tomorrow so leave those, please," and leave it at that.

And YADNBU to ask them to leave your DD's lunch alone! We went on a picnic last night and it was kind of a potluck- we brought the veggies and dip, potato salad and lemonade, other people brought things for sandwiches, etc. It was all share and share alike b/c we'd agreed on it beforehand, but sometimes everyone just brings their own food and I certainly would be about someone eating my kid's lunch!

If there are kids at my place they get fed - no issues about it, no biggie. We had a group picnic on the weekend and all the kids were into all the food - there was no issue of this is 'mine' and that is 'yours' - all the kids are fed. As it's a picnic I relax about food - DD can have what she wants (same at parties) but aside from some chocolate she eats the same anyway.

As for going into your cupboards, they are probably just doing what they do at home. Maybe this is a compliment to you that your best friends family feel at home at your place? It could possibly be that 2 active boys eat more than you are used to with your daughter.

Again, I think it's mean to be resentful to the kids about this when you refuse to either just accept they are your guest & provide for them (next visit have snacks ready and point them in direction of them) OR talk to your friends about it.

I do think it's rude for children to go through cupboards etc.

Once a friends dd asked for pudding at mine and I said I had fruit. (it was Friday so empty cupboards!) I said to help themselves. She stormed into the kitchen and saw the one choc mousse in the fridge - which incidently was for DS' dinner that evening - but as my friend had popped in I hadn't prepared for guests. I closed the fridge and said it was rude to open peoples fridge etc. She started demanding I let het have it. I stayed firm that she could have fruit. Her argument to that was DS would have it later etc. I stood firm despite her pleas she should have etc becuase she asked. She had a full on temper trantrum but has never done it again. She knows if she is hungery she can eat but I remain firm that she finishes crisps apple sandwich etc if she wants more. (shes a child who will eat 2/3 bites/ crisps etc and then want something different 1/2 hour later.

I had concerns that this would cause friction with my friend as she allows dd's to raid fridge cupboards etc eat a little and then get more. It didn't and I'm glad that I had the courage to stand my ground.

OP I hope this gives you some advice thats useful and I do think it's worth talking to your friends and dc's as the longer it goes on the harder it will be to stop. IYSWIM

dh nephew has always done this,sil never has anything to eat in house and nephew is like a gannet when he comes round to us.really annoys me,sil always asks to take food items if i have bulk bought.its because they are deprived at home.

mumbar - i am right with you and would have done the same.

i think one is entitled to discipline other's children in one's own home :-)

I actually hide food when my nieces come over - they eat EVERYTHING in sight. Any decent crisps, empty the biscuit barrel and then onto yogurts etc. It's ridiculous. They have treats at home, they are just greedy really.

So if there are things I have for DD's lunches etc, I stash them away and leave what I don't mind them having in the snack cupboard which they still delve into without asking.

This is in conjunction with commenting on them eating me out of house and home. Sometimes the closer the relationship, the less likely they are to take criticisms seriously.

I don't agree that you should bring things for them all, all the time. If you have 3 of something to spare, sure bring them along, but it's not your duty to do so.

With younger children, you tend to bring snacks as you know they'll want them - you learn this from experience. Why are your friends not noticing that their children need snacks as well. It's not your job to consider every child in the vicinity of your DD's crisps!

I operate an open fridge door policy when I have guests and tell people to help themselves to whatever they want. So I wouldn't mind the kids helping themselves to whatever's in the fridge when they were at my house. I'd be quite happy about it - it's a sign they were comfortable at my house and happy there.

But your OP is a strange one if you don't mind me saying; it's odd that you are apparently "best friends" with this couple and yet somehow you blame their kids for raiding your DD's packed lunch. Surely if you are going out for the day, you sort out your eating arrangements beforehand i.e you both bring packed lunches or you buy something to eat. I feel sorry for the kids if indeed they are starving and are having to watch your DD eat her lunch. If your friends are really that useless and for whatever reason you can't tell them so, then why not bring the children some snacks to eat. I mean, they are only kids...