to not take DS back to toddler group because of this?

[cupcakesandbunting]

I'll probably get recognised from this post. Oh well...

DS goes to a mum and toddler group on a monday morning. It's run by a lady who has a lot to do with the church that the group is attached to, I don't think that she has any formal childcare qualification, she has just been running that group for many years. There is no real structure to the group, you just turn up with LOs and they do their own thing whilst the mums chat and what-not. It's generally a nice little group but two things happened today that really cheesed me off and I don't think I want to go back...

First off... another little boy comes with his grandma (who is good friends with the lady who runs the group) who cares for him whilst his mum is at work. He is a really angry and aggressive child and practically every child at this group has been on the receiving end of one of his outbursts. He screams and lashes out a lot but his grandma is reluctant to discipline him because he's not her child. Today DS and this little boy were playing on some toy cars and both were being a bit rough and bumping into each other but they were both laughing and enjoying it so they got on with it. Then suddenly, this little boy starts screaming and shouting because DS carried on the game. Then this boy's gran came over and told DS off for upsetting him. I was a bit , won't tell your own grandchild off because you're not his parent but you'll tell mine off, but didn't say anything....

Then about twenty minutes later, it got to singing time (the kids sit in a circle and sing a song but some LOs prefer to carry on playing and they are allowed to) but DS wanted to carry on playing on the cars with another boy and another boy was playing with the toys still. DS had been playing on the car for a good few minutes then the woman who runs the group decided to get up, pull DS off the car and tell him to stop playing because everyone else was singing (even though everyone else wasn't singing) DS didn't understand what he'd done wrong because she lets the ones who don't want to sing carry on playing usually,so DS cried and was really upset. I stood up, put DS's coat on and told him we were leaving.

I was really upset that twice my DS got told off when in my opinion he didn't do anything to deserve it And if he did do something wrong, surely they should have told me and let me sort it? The amount of times that that kid has lashed out and DS and I';ve smiled at his gran and said "don't worry about it" because I felt sorry for her, then I feel like the group leader was sharp with DS because I think that this boy's gran probably told her that DS upset her grandchild. I don't want to go back now because I am so about it.

Sorry for the long post but AIBU?

tell them then and dont be so soft

I did think I should have told them but I was so upset that I just wanted to get out of there. I feel like if I go back next week and bring it up, I'll sound petty.

can't stand busy bodies like that. Go back - everyone else will be thinking exactly the same thing.

If in general your wee one enjoys it I wouldnt stop going, but go back and speak to the organiser and if needed the gran involved, I really wouldn't take your wee one away from something he enjoys, but I can see why you wold want to, hope it gets sorted out.

I would go back, but would ask the organiser to confirm that none of the children have to sing ie "I understood that the children don't have to sing, yet you pulled DS off the car, which really upset him. Any reason for that? Think it would be better if the children are allowed to play or sing, which is how it seems to normally go". To be honest, I would be seriously pissed if someone manhandled DD, but I am a bit territorial like that.

Re grandma, I would just keep a close eye on cranky grandson to ensure your DS doesn't get hurt. And would firmly intercept if she thought about telling him off again.

If you and your DS aren't enjoying the group then of course YANBU to stop going. But, if you're just basing this on one child and 2 women who've annoyed you today then maybe YABU. There are always gonna be people that will annoy you wherever you go, cos we are all different (thank goodness) Are there other groups you could go try out? If this is the only one close to you, I think you should just carry on going and encourage your DS to play with some of the others.

I think you need to stand up for your DS, rather than letting it slide like this.

Also, if this boy (or any other child) starts screaming and shouting at your child, then say something to them.

Go back next week, if they do anything like that again then say 'Don't PICK on my child, how DARE you' at full volume so that everyone glares at them.
Cows.

Go back if your little one enjoys it. Next time the boy is rumbunctious use very loud clear language "NOW, NOW PLEASE STOP HITTING DS WITH A TOY CAR THAT IS NOT GOOD BEHAVIOUR"
until she attends to it and finally gets the message.

Also don't get too upset about this stuff, in the scheme of things you won't remember it in a couple of months, believe me. (Although by that time the other kid may have pushed his granny over the bannister like that scene from the Omen!)

She may be overcompensating for a life at his home that you know nothing about?

The thing that really upset me was DS's face when she took him off the car. He really cried and she didn't even give him a backward glance.

I'm not being biased or mummy-blind but DS is a lovely, lovely placid little boy; never screams and shouts or bullies other kids. He is really undeserving of this kind of treatment and I was hurt on his behalf, silly as it sounds...

I'd be asking the same thing if this happened to me but once I'd chillaxed a bit I'd see and agree with larks.

I would go back if I were you! Next time if this boy does something to your ds, if grandma is not prepared to disciplin him, you should. Dont have to be aggressive and shouty, just something like: thats not nice is it? We have to play nicely! If the same thing happens at singing time, say to the lady, that "sorry i understood that children do not have to join in if they dont want to". Just be assertive and polite.

I used to wonder that fireup (overcompensating for home) but another mum who knows his family said that he and his sister are exactly the same at home and his mum just pussyfoots round him and spoils him. It's an awful thing to say but he really is not a nice child. I used to feel for his grandma but now I just think "pfft pathetic. You're his carer, you discipline him."

YANBU to find their behaviour a bit OTT but YABU for not having said something at the time.

No point storming out seething about it and going over and over it all afternoon. Confront the woman if you think she's being unreasonable.

Well 'granny' has set the tone now. So go back and next time the little boy does something aggressive - tell him its not acceptable/kind/nice and take him over to grandma and tell her what he did, something along the lines of 'I'm sure you want to know so you can deal with it'.

Also agree with Bunny and what she said about talking to the organiser lady.

it's hard, but i think just keep referring him back to granny every time he does that. do you have any other friends who would join you in ding that, so that it's not just you & gran at loggerheads? make sure you're consistent with your ds as well.

also, try quietly asking the leader what the policy is re singing & point out that reducing the children to tears isn't exactly the reason for turning up at toddler group. perhaps ask her if SHE could ask all children to do the same thing if it bothers her, before the singing starts.

i think you leaving immediately will have been a bit of a signal that you weren't happy either.

You should say something to the boy if he is doing something to your ds that isent nice, granny is not is she, pandering to HRH

Thankyou all for the advice. I do feel silly for flouncing off in a huff and not dealing with it, especially because I didn't vent so am left feeling pissed orf... Oh well, lesson learned for next time, I suppose.

pandering to HRH

His Royal Horrorbags.

I got so irked by the way she said "DS is upsetting him" Aw, poor, delicate little blossom, he must upset soooo easily. Yeah, right

Let it go, cupcakes, let it go...

there is something about toddler groups, isn't there? Its a weird dynamic, they are often quite tense with all the observing of each other and getting annoyed with other people's kids, which of course everyone does! I would have been upset by this too, and would feel like you and not want to go back. I think that its a good idea to go back if you can face it, but if you dont want to, just find a nicer group!

he he he cupcakes. I dropped off dd at nursery and witnessed a boy pushing her so i said that it was not very nice to do that there and then. better to deal with it straight away

Geraldine, usually this group is laid back and has a nice atmosphere. The only contentious issue has been the highly-strung LO but generally other mums have been v. supportive of his granny and not judgey wrgt his behaviour. It was just weird yesterday

"He screams and lashes out a lot but his grandma is reluctant to discipline him because he's not her child."

I don't understand this logic - if my childminder didn't discipline my child I would find another childminder. She is the kids carer & is therefore responsible for him during the hours she cares for him & this includes disciplining him as necessary. You've gotta take these matters up with her, as and when, like you would with anyone else. I know it's often not easy (I shake if I have to confront anyone no matter how mildly)but you will feel much better afterwards & it's the right thing to do for everyone.

Ive been to loads of mums and tods all over England ......this is always happening!!! by next week its forgotten.

You arent being unreasonable but you do need to stick up for your ds at the time imo.

This happened with ds3 he was quite tall for his age and another mum just lifted him off the trampoline and put her dc in it now ive been to so many groups I pick my arguments wisely [smug grin] and yesssssss a mother whos child shed upset the week before walked by and said ' xxxx is on that put him back on now' .....and she did!!!