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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not normal behaviour from a 2.5 yr old.

78 replies

legaleagle21 · 17/05/2010 16:18

Please give me your opinions. I am really worried about how my 2.5 year old behaves.

At home he likes his own way - but don't all toddlers. We are consistent with rewards and sanctions and mostly he is a good boy.

BUT when we go to any sort of mums and tots, tumble tots, jo jingles etc he behaves like a demon.

All the other kids mostly sit or play nice . Singing, listening to the story etc. My son just runs amok and screams. I have tried encouraging him to conform, time out, telling him off, rewards the lot- but NO he will not behave.

He did go through a phase of pushing other kids but that seems to have stopped.

I really just dont know what to do - my mum says I have to keep taking him as he has to learn to behave in group situations. My husband says don't he says if he does not like it just take him the park or soft play places - where he plays nice.

Today I have been in tears - his behave was so bad at mums and tots. He just ran around while they were doing the singing. I kept trying to bring im into the circle but he kept running away.

When the story was on he grabed the doll the lady was using and would not give it back - to her or me - spoiling the story for everyone.

After this I took him home b4 the free play bit - (the bit when he behaves well usually) as I was about to cry.

The looks of some of the other mums and the whispering is horrible- when they can see I am doing my best to try and control him.

I am a primary school teacher myself so I feel especially like a failure as I should be better than most at knowing what to do.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 17/05/2010 17:12

Definately Bran

TheStraitsofWTF · 17/05/2010 17:12

what, and broke into valuable biscuit time? nah. We're hardcore.

heverhoney1 · 17/05/2010 17:13

sorry i havent read every post so this may have been pointed out but i have to say-

Let me get this straight. Your son who behaves perfectly well at nursery, soft play centres and the park doesnt like a situation where he has to sit still and behave BEFORE he wears himself out and gets over the excitement of being there?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/05/2010 17:14

succinctly put heverhoney

CheekyPinkSox · 17/05/2010 17:16

If he behaves like that dont take him. Thats what i would do and if he cries because you have sid your not going then tell him down on his level the reason why your not going.

Orrr take him but get down on his level and tell him to behave, the first sign that he misbehaves, get his coat on him and go. Simple.

Cadelaide · 17/05/2010 17:22

Oh god, DS1 was just like that. Wherever we went he would head for the furthest barrier and try to break through. I took him to a toddler dance class and whilst the other children largely did as they were told he just fiddled and fiddled with the cd player. He would never sit in a circle, he ran around, he was rough with other children and really didn't seem to fit in to any group situation.

I can't remember how I coped, I s'pose we just muddled through and eventually I convinced myself that yes, he was "normal" (whatever that means).

Anyway, I just want to say that now, at nealy 11 yo, he is an absolute darling, behaves impeccably in any social situation I can think of and is a happy boy at school and at home. We're very proud of him and I wish I hadn't wasted time worrying so much when he was little. One of the things he taught me is don't look into the future, just 'cos your child behaves like a "demon" now it doesn't mean they'll turn out to be a drug-taking shop-lifting deliquent.

smallwhitecat · 17/05/2010 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsbean78 · 17/05/2010 17:25

I'm jumping in to wave my degree about here too

I don't think this is a social skills issue, I think this is an attention issue. That's not exactly the same, no matter how many social skills groups target good sitting/listening/looking/taking turns.

Have a look at this. Not the best handout on this but best I could find and gives you the idea: www.nottinghamcity.gov.uk/CHttpHandler.ashx?id=2216&p=0

Sounds to me like your boy is still a bit single-channelled in the group situation and can only focus on what he's interested in/wants to explore. He's just not managing to attend to his own interests and to the group rules/adult modelling of expected behaviour. You may find that his ability to attend 1:1 is at a higher level but the desire to explore is driving him, it's more reinforcing than the other activities right now. From what you say he's quite a physical little lad (as many boys are) and it might just be that this is where his development is 'happening' right now, so to speak.

At 2 and a half this is really not a problem. What are his language skills like? Would you say he developed physically first (again, as many boys do?).

I think you are putting lots of pressure on yourself in this situation, and he may also be responding to the fact he finds you stressing in this situation. He's a toddler, after all. Have you read 'Toddler Taming'? I haven't but I've heard it's ace!

Stop worrying about his longer-term social skills, or thinking that he's got to master them in this mums and tots group, he doesn't!

mrsbean78 · 17/05/2010 17:26

Aka what heverhoney said more succinctly and without needing to bandy a degree about (sorry, hadn't read the third page!)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/05/2010 17:35

I have a Diploma in The Vast Wisdom Of Hindsight

Original poster
legaleagle21 · 17/05/2010 19:46

He did develop physically early - walked at 9 months and he is the most amazing climber.

He was later starting to talk then some the same age. But I would honestly say he now a a better talker than other kids his age and much older. I can say eveything he wants to - there does not seem to be any language frustration.

I have read toddler taming and follow the advice.

I think maybe we need to be firmer genrally and as mean as this sounds I may need to limit the time he spends at his grandad's as he just lets him do whatever he wants. He sees him most days.

But I think I will giv the groups a miss from now till September. The park is nicer in the summer- altough a bit lonely on ur own. I am back at work in Sept - so he'll be at nursery 3 days a week. Maybe i'll try him at a group one of the other days.

OP posts:
heverhoney1 · 17/05/2010 20:11

if you insist on going to a group may i suggest finding a group that has stories and singing at the end? Different groups suit different folks so maybe all you need to do is find the right group for you and ds.

toppoptart · 17/05/2010 20:11

This sounds like my nephew he used to be so awful to all the other toddlers, he is now 10 and the most lovely, gentle, caring little boy you could meet and he was such a pain at that age (cant really express how much of a challenge he was actually)

Morloth · 17/05/2010 20:19

Personally I think it is fucking boring to sit and listen to a story and no I don't want to bloody well sing. DS used to burst into tears when anyone suggesting singing, I think he was picking up on my internally rolled eyes.

Take him to the park/soft play and let him run.

Mowgli1970 · 17/05/2010 20:27

My ds was like that - early walker, very quick at running, climbing, jumping etc. He'd never listen to me (ran away from me in Eurodisney!!!). We were at the park and an old woman saw me with him said "He's got spirit, don't break it." He's now 6 and polite, well behaved, sits nicely at restaurants, has lots of friends and is doing well at school. I'm a teacher too, it's mortifying isn't it? It DOES get better, honest!

Mowgli1970 · 17/05/2010 20:28

He's now 7 I meant!!!

Cretaceous · 17/05/2010 20:30

I think that you worry far too much about what people think . Just because you are a primary school teacher does not mean you should have the "perfect" child! And if you did, it might just be in their genes anyway, and nothing to do with child management skills

I'm sure that none of the mums thought badly of your child or you - they were just glad it wasn't their child that time. Most will have been through a similar situation themselves. Can you not go back there again with your mum, if she's so keen. She could look after DS and you could make friends with the mums.

Just because their children were good that day, it doesn't mean that they weren't tearing around themselves on their first visits.

minxofmancunia · 17/05/2010 20:35

OP i work in CAMHS and I've had to stop taking dd (3.8) to the local Costa Coffee as there's always a parent of one of my patients in there and dd usually has horrendous screaming melt downs (last time barricaded the door and screamed and screamed! ) how shit and ineffective does that make me!!

personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to Mums and tots or similar but I'm phobic of large groups of mums anyway.

It sounds like he needs to run and let off steam, do as your dh says just stick with soft play/park for now if he enjoys it. he'll probably settle for storytime etc when he starts school

Henny1995 · 18/05/2010 01:47

I have so been here. I was here when my DD aged 3 and a half was kicking and hitting me at 7 months pregnant. I remember the looks and the eyebrows as my DD regularly lay on the floor for 45 minutes having the world's biggest tantrum. And d'y'know what? She's nearly 6 now. She has beautiful manners, is obedient and doing well at school. She occasionally presents her formerly fiesty self, but only when very tired and a look from me floors her now.
Take heart. He'll calm down.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 18/05/2010 09:33

Yes, you never believe it at the time, but your "difficult" toddler can become a well-behaved, likeable school-child (mine are now 7 and 9)

EndangeredSpecies · 18/05/2010 09:53

YABU! Totally normal behaviour from a 2.5 year old. He sounds like my little boy (he's nearly 5 and I'm still waiting for the bit where he turns into lovely well-behaved angelic child...) I have a very clear memory of being aged 4 attending some music and movement class and thinking I DO NOT WANT TO BE A TREE!!! LET ME GO HOME! Let him do the free play part, and ignore the whispering mums.

Squitten · 18/05/2010 11:50

My DS is now 20mths but he started misbehaving at the structured music group we took him to when he was about 16mths old. As soon as he could walk, he had no interest in sitting down and doing songs and just ran all over the place making loads of noise.

We just stopped taking him. He loves the free play groups so we just take him to those and to the playground.

janajos · 18/05/2010 12:02

My two elder boys, now 12 and 9 were a nightmare at toddler groups and are now intelligent, well-mannered and warm hearted with plenty of friends. Just don't go, I stopped going and mine survived. Do something else fun with him instead, he is a baby still, needs boundaries but not punishing for running around. You say he as stopped pushing others, I say you are making progress, don't worry.

chipmonkey · 18/05/2010 12:06

You don't really have to bend over backwards to socialise them in any case. How many 45 year old men do you see behaving like that, regardless of never having gone to toddler groups.[Weary Mum of 4 boys emoticon]

Sazisi · 18/05/2010 12:12

All sounds like normal 2 year-old stuff to me.

It sounds like the titch'n'bitch thing has turned into a stress and you both need a break from it. Do something that makes you both happy instead, then try again in a month or two. Or just go for the free-play part if poss.