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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

with my husband about my birthday???

35 replies

yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 11:54

AIBU? My kids didn't realise that my b'day was today (they are only 4 & 5, but I thought dh was reading bedtime stories last night in a hush hush sort of way to excite them and encourage them..etc..). After I made morning tea and the paked lunches, dh writes a card with our boys to me, whilst I was ironing (and having to pretend to hide)...AIBU to feel hurt that a card couldn't be written before the day of my b'day???

OP posts:
Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:00

after I left for the school run, dh wraps a pressy for me. Am I expecting too much for some general excitement, maybe to be sung to and to be spoilt a bit??

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/05/2010 12:00

erm. well, from outside the situation, yes. It's your birthday, you've got a card, presumably to be able to write it now your husband bought it before your birthday - unless he went out this morning to buy it? Even if he did, you got one!

But you're not looking at it from the neutral outsider pov, you're in it and you're hurt and you feel how you feel.

Take a deep breath. It doesn't mean they don't value you, it wouldn't mean you mattered more if they wrote the card last night.

But if you're upset, tell your husband. In all honesty, it probably never even crossed his mind that you'd care whether the card was written last night or today, just that you got one.

gingernutlover · 17/05/2010 12:00

YANBU

my dh would never do this

however, my dad turned urdp last year with a ca in a packet and asked to borrow a pen while I looked the other way, whipped a note out of his wallet and gave me the card without the envelope, as "it saves you opening it" lol

Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:01

I feel so sad and like I run around after every-other person...or am I just being over-dramatic??

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 17/05/2010 12:02

IT does sound like he simply doesnt realsie he's got it wrong though

at least you got a card, and now a present [happy] which he bought before your brithday, that shows he did put thought into it?

have great day, happy birthday!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/05/2010 12:09

At least yours remembered. I didn't say anything to remind dh and hadn't written it on the calendar. Result, no present or card.

Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:10

Maybe I'm being silly, but my dh knows how excited I get by b'days, christmas etc.. I make so much effort to make them all feel so special and he knows from before that I don't like him frantically trying to get the kids to write their names in a card in front of me (as this has happened before).....

To me it feels like he isn't bothered, its his b'day this week and our ds as well, so its a manic week...

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Cretaceous · 17/05/2010 12:20

My OH is the same, and he hates a fuss being made of his birthday. I suffer the lack of decent celebration on my birthday, and he suffers the cake and candles on his.

upahill · 17/05/2010 12:24

I would be brassed off with that tbh.
I have come to expect the full works from my lot. The meal, presents and cards from DH and the boys and a day out.

Birthdays and Christmas are big deals to everyone in our house although oddly we don't bother with our anniversary unless one of us suddenly remembers and says 'oh! shall we go out for a meal?'

I know everyone is different and doesn't place the same significance on birthdays though.

Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:28

I'm probably just over-reacting, but it so feels like I'm going along and no-one can see me...i should just have a cup of tea and try and be happy....i just so don't feel it..

OP posts:
piratecat · 17/05/2010 12:30

you can feel pissed off, if you want to, but he prob thought he was doing the right thing.

what does he normally do on your bday.?

Sn0wflake · 17/05/2010 12:33

Listen, it will save you a lot of upset in the future: accept that he will never understand what you want to happen for your birthday and next time tell him exactly what you want.

For a start that he should get up make you a cup of tea in bed and bring you your card and present at that point and some flowers as well. Ask him to arrange a babysitter and then buy you dinner.

I used to get hurt that my husband got me weird presents and didn't think in the way I do....now I arrange exactly what I want to happen. Men are not mind readers - you have to tell them what you want.

Happy Birthday BTW!!!

3andahalfmonkeys · 17/05/2010 12:37

happy birthday. mine was yesterday and I could have written your post. rubbish isn't
it? I ended up having a right stress and then he went and got a birthday cakeand sang happy birthday. our problem is I go all out to make a fuss of everyone but he hates birthdays and would rather not celebrate his so thinks I don't need to get excited either.

foureleven · 17/05/2010 12:38

It depends; what did you do for his birthday? Is this normal behaviour or has he got lazy? Would he have done this when you had only been married for a year?

Sounds like he's taking you for granted. Go on strike.

fillybuster · 17/05/2010 12:42

I'd be pissed off, but dh and I both try really hard to make a fuss of each other as well as the dcs on their birthdays. So even on a work day, I'd expect to be woken by dh bringing in a cup of tea, dcs singing 'happy birthday' and cards/presents.

If your dh knows how excited you get, and that you don't like it when he leaves it to the last minute, but did it anyway, then you can be narked. Probably worth saying something (nicely) rather than being a martyr about it...

Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:43

I have said that on special occasions like mothers day and birthdays, a cup of tea in bed with a card is the best way to start the day off!! I got quite upset last year when he was desperately writing a card and we had a big talk about how we need to start putting more effort into our relationship and not everyone else, the kids are a bot older so the sleepless nights etc..can't be used as an excuse.. I know he loves me but I don't really feel it. As a mum I tend to come way down the list of priorities most of the time but he knows that I wanted to feel special. I'm not so worried about pressies etc, but he knew the cup of tea, my boys singing to me and an awful homemade card were the things that would have made me really happy today.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/05/2010 12:44

TBH I can´t see what you are complaining about.

You got a card and a present.

Would you rather have had nothing at all?

alexw · 17/05/2010 12:44

Happy Birthday. Mine was Saturday. No card/present from dh or dds...nothing and I've just had baby 10 days ago... |Feeling gutted

Original poster
yummybunnymummy · 17/05/2010 12:47

we always make a big cake and prepare breakfast for him in bed, his card is already ready, the kids sing etc. I either cook a big 3-course meal or we go out...he is a bit absent minded, and under pressure from work and his family but there is always something at work to be stressed about etc..

OP posts:
charlieandlola · 17/05/2010 12:50

Oh please. You have a card and a present which you didnt buy yourself . Perhaps you and dh can start training your children to become like the von trapp family singers , so they are note perfect in time for next year. Perhaps even invite friends and family to hear you being serenaded. F g s .

fillybuster · 17/05/2010 12:54

YBM, perhaps you'd feel a little less hard done by if you were putting less effort into dh's birthday?

Great, you've made the card already. I suggest you skip the breakfast in bed and 3 course dinner (this is part of the being a martyr thing) and see how you get on with the day. If he's perfectly happy, then perhaps you just need to reset your own expectations (instead of delivering the moon and stars to your dh and being surprised he doesn't do it in return).

If he seems surprised by the relative lack of fuss (by all means get the kids to sing him awake if you want to), then just explain (nicely) that you had picked up from his approach to your birthday that this was how he preferred to do things. Then you can jointly decide how much fuss you both 'deserve' in future.

Or you can go ahead with your lavish birthday plans for dh....but don't expect him to notice/appreciate/spot the difference or respect you for it....

OhCobblers · 17/05/2010 12:56

i'd be gutted.
honestly for some to say that YABU is rubbish.
birthdays are once a year - its not difficult to make a fuss over someone - from your previous posts you're hardly asking for the bloody crown jewels.

also suggesting that "you got a card and a present, therefore, what are you complaining about?" is rubbish too - i mean really can't a card be written out before you enter the room??

BUT dont roll over and take it as so many do. SAY SOMETHING - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT so that next year it doesn't happen again.

cruelladepoppins · 17/05/2010 12:59

Happy birthday ybm, and 3.5monkeys and alexw.

ybm, YANBU, but I agree with others in this thread about making it clear what you want in advance.

My birthday is soon. We are going to a wedding the weekend before and staying a night in a B&B which, DH said delightedly, "will do for your birthday as well!"

I have decided instead I would like to go out for a meal on the evening of my birthday with our 2 children and have proclaimed accordingly. Will prob have to make the booking myself as well but at least that way I know what's going on.

I also know DH has the presents sorted out with the DCs as my MIL emailed me to ask what I would like and, knowing what DH has got for me, I wrote down some options. DS1 was reading over my shoulder and disappeared for a confab with his dad, then came back and told me to delete one of the present ideas. I didn't need to ask why!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/05/2010 13:28

Thing is, and I don't mean to be harsh, you do the big fuss thing on his birthday because it's how you like it. There's no mention in your posts of you doing it because that's what he wants, or he expects. You feel like a big fuss should be made - maybe it simply doesn't matter to him! So I think it's possibly unfair to take something that you choose to do on his birthday and use that as the reason why he should do the same for you. If that makes any sense.

Talk it out. Clearly he doesn't understand why you need things done this way in order to feel loved / appreciated / important. If you can make him understand exactly why this is such a big deal to you, then maybe he will do it for you because he loves you, although he'll probably think you're bonkers for it

Chin up. Happy Birthday. Eat lots of cake. xx

ChippingIn · 17/05/2010 13:29

YANBU (and if other people want to believe that this is fine, that's up to them - but frankly, it's crap)

In a day or two when you are feeling a bit less emotional about it, you should talk to him. Remind him that you discussed this last year (and what you said!!) and tell him that you feel taken for granted and unappreciated... and that is the fast route along the marriage-breaking-down highway and ask him if this is what he wants or does he want to listen to what you need from him and (with his help) the DC's??

It's about showing love, respect & appreciation and about showing that he listens to you and understands you... it's not about the card & the present.