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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to stop offering help he can't give

41 replies

koeda · 17/05/2010 05:58

My 10wo DS will only want to be rocked to sleep by me at the moment, tried with others incl DH but it ends up in a screamfest. I don't mind - know it will pass. This means I'm the one up through the night resettling etc (ebf - so sometimes this means a feed to sleep as well). DH is somehow able to sleep through most of the wakings but on the few occasions he has woken he has offered to walk DS for me. I've (nicely) explained to him why this won't work at the moment, plus our sidecar cot is between my side of the bed and the wall so he'd have to wake me to easily get DS back in once he was asleep. So all in all a nice gesture but just to difficult at the moment.

The thing is he still keeps offering and it's driving me mad! DS just spent the past hour crying/unsettled after quite a broken night so Im not in the best of moods and DH just woke up sleepily and offered to 'walk him'. Arggggghhh!! Kills me every time! It's like rubbing salt into a wound iykwim. It was a bad night, I'm sleep deprived and so I ended up snapping at him and now he's gone back to sleep... Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 17/05/2010 06:09

YABU, he's trying to help. Your DS only wants to be rocked to sleep by you because that's the situation you have allowed develop - he'd be quite happy with his dad if would let him. Stop being a martyr, he CAN help if you allow him to.

This is the stage where misunderstanding develop - you refuse offers of help so your DH stops offering, in a few months you're not happy because you feel you're left to do everything where your DH feels he's being pushed out. Talk about how you feel now.

cluckyduck · 17/05/2010 06:09

I think you might be being a tad unreasonable- but with sleep deprivation it's understandable. It does seem he only wants to help though. Is this your first DC?

Original poster
koeda · 17/05/2010 06:16

Yes, first DC. I do know what you mean by it being a situation that needs to be changed but everytime we've tried I end up listening to DS screaming full volume at 3am maybe I need to be stronger....

OP posts:
sunshine2010 · 17/05/2010 07:14

yabu there is no reason he cant help its just your not letting him. My husband did alternate wakings we our daughter was that age there is no reason why he cant.

BooKangaWonders · 17/05/2010 07:16

can't you tell your dh what help you DO want? He's tired too, and needs you to spell out what he can do, while you rock, feed your baby.

Amapoleon · 17/05/2010 07:17

I think you should be more worried if he wasn't offering help.

But that is easy to say when you are not exhausted with a new born.

littleducks · 17/05/2010 07:30

YABU, sorry, but it is prob the sleep deprivation.

There will/may come a point when you are so sick of waking up that you will want/need your dh to 'walk' ds just so that you can take 5 min to breathe/rest whatever. Your DH wont immediately know when this is and is trying to stop you reaching that point and feeling like you have been left to cope with it alone!

And to be fair there are some things tiny babies are born loving (bfing and cuddles for mine) and things that they learn to love (baths and being in buggy for mine). I am not advocating 'leaving him to cry it out' at all but sometimes you do need to give new thing a try a few times to see if they help, especially with tiny ones where they change so much in a few days/a week. It is too easy to write off doing something different because, it just wont work, when maybe you should give iot a try a few times, maybe just for 5 min at a time.

gingernutlover · 17/05/2010 07:32

he is trying to help and given time he will get your baby to sleep - honest.

if you dont get your baby used to both of you now, are you going to do every single night waking ever?

can you suggest that he drives baby round the block (i have even doen this at 2am after hours of screaming), although you dont want to make a habit of this at least it would get you some more sleep and allow your dh to help. If you don't want to do that, is there anywhere else he will sleep?

EricNorthmansmistress · 17/05/2010 07:37

YABU. And you actually are making a rod for your own back here - by rejecting DH's offers of help you will make him stop bothering - and you will quickly get into a routine of 'mum is the only one who can do X,Y or Z' which is not good for either of you.

Look, take the help. DS will soon get used to being walked by him, there might be a few screams but you just have to power through. Otherwise you could ask him to do something else that might help you - ask him to make you a cup of tea, chat to you while you feed, anything. And if you are not sleeping well try co-sleeping - saved my sanity until DS would sleep independent of a human body! (about 4 months old)

MrsC2010 · 17/05/2010 07:39

Swap sides of the bed for a night or so?

jalopy · 17/05/2010 07:39

He sounds a star.

SpiderObsession · 17/05/2010 07:42

What MrsC2010 said. Swop sides with DH for a night or two (or alternate). Then whoever is at the babys side deals with him if he wakes.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 17/05/2010 07:47

YABU - how will he learn to settle DS unless you let him try? It's very kind of him to keep offering and he probably wants to be involved to don't shut him out.

Original poster
koeda · 17/05/2010 07:51

Yes, he is a star. I just can't see it sometimes - especially at those 3am screamfests.

I've made my peace with DH this morning and said sorry, and he and DS are now playing happily in the lounge. I really was being unreasonable, heh. OK - new leaf as of today: going to help DH learn to help DS in order to help me!

Thanks everyone for giving me a good shake and making me realise I was being a dimwit .

OP posts:
RunawayWife · 17/05/2010 07:59

YABVU your DS will stop screaming if your DH walks him or rocks him.

You need to let go of the control

SirBoobAlot · 17/05/2010 08:02

YABU - get him to help in every way he can. I remember saying similar to DP when DS was struggling with his teeth, so when I had finally got him down after feeding him at about 3am, DP was just standing there with a cup of tea for me, and it meant the entire world.

It is hard, especially when EBF. In fact I think its one of the down points of BF; you have to do it all the time. You can express, but if you have a hungry baby like I do, they down the bottle and want more.

Let him walk him - if nothing else it will prove to you that he can do it (The first time DP changed a nappy I hovered over him watching his every move - though I had only changed one myself!) and as cruel as it sounds they can only cry for so long, and they need to get used to being with someone else.

Why is he being rocked to sleep? Does he have wind? Or is he just unsettled?

Hope today is a better day

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/05/2010 08:05

my dh is about as hands off as you could ever imagine. He'd never have offered to help, he'd have told me to leave the bed/room.

Your baby is almost 3m old, you're creating a rod for your own back. I've been there, i rocked my ds until he was about 18m. I can't recommend it. It was horrendous at times.

I rocked for an entire 6hrs one night. I had constantly swollen tendons for over 2years and could barely walk at times.

Let him help, teach your baby to self settle, yes there will be tears, but not for long in the greater scheme of things.

Your life will be transformed, i can assure you!

PfftThePinkoLeftyDragon · 17/05/2010 08:09

YABU.

If he was ignoring you and not offering to help you would not be pleased.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 17/05/2010 08:21

Of course you are but then i would be doing the same thing if it were me and my dh

He wants to help and so offers but there are lots of other things he can do to help at others times so its time to trade, if he knows you've been up loads in the ight then he has to do, say dinner that night or have the baby for a few hours so you can have a nap/lie in.

btw i ebf and my dd developed a liking for being feed to sleep. It used to take me 2+hrs to come down stairs after taking her to bed at night not to mention the nap times

I knew it was my fault, had developed a habit of watching tv whilst she feed so didn't always notice when she was nodding off. I made a decision it was not going to happen any more and it didn't. I know that makes it sounds very easy and it wasn't quite, but the first nap of the day when she was nodding off i took her to bed and thankfully she didn't cry. It gave me the confidence to keep with it. I'm so glad i did cause now, at 2yrs we are able to put her down (after some water in a bottle can't quite shake that yet), tell her we love her, night night and sleep all night (funnily enough if she is poorly and i say if you need mummy let me know, she always wakes up ).

sunnydelight · 17/05/2010 08:39

You're not being a dimwit, you're sleep deprived Glad you made your peace though.

Bathsheba · 17/05/2010 09:07

He sounds like he is felling really left out.

pigletmania · 17/05/2010 09:15

YABU and quite precious! He is only trying to help and is the babies dad so has to get used to each other. As someone has said you have allowed that situation yourself so dont let it continue. what if you were ill and were not able to look after your ds your dh would have to then whether ds likes it or not. You do need to be strong or you will be making a rod IYKWIM

PortBlacksand · 17/05/2010 09:25
  • come back and let us know how you get on...
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/05/2010 09:27

YABU - but well done for talking to him and straightening it out.

It is so so important that you let your DH do his share at this stage. Babies will change their habits/get used to new things incredibly quickly at this age so let your DH bond properly now so that your baby will settle for either of you.
The last thing you want is a 9-month old who is still 100% reliant on you, because by then you will be pulling your hair out for an hour's peace and quiet.

ABatInBunkFive · 17/05/2010 09:28

Middle of the night is totaly the best time for a screaming bonding session then?

PMSL @ all the rod for your own back comments, have we slipped into the 50s today?

OP YAB a little U Only because is seems like your DH just wants to help you, suggest some things he could say instead perhaps.

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