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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to stop offering help he can't give

41 replies

koeda · 17/05/2010 05:58

My 10wo DS will only want to be rocked to sleep by me at the moment, tried with others incl DH but it ends up in a screamfest. I don't mind - know it will pass. This means I'm the one up through the night resettling etc (ebf - so sometimes this means a feed to sleep as well). DH is somehow able to sleep through most of the wakings but on the few occasions he has woken he has offered to walk DS for me. I've (nicely) explained to him why this won't work at the moment, plus our sidecar cot is between my side of the bed and the wall so he'd have to wake me to easily get DS back in once he was asleep. So all in all a nice gesture but just to difficult at the moment.

The thing is he still keeps offering and it's driving me mad! DS just spent the past hour crying/unsettled after quite a broken night so Im not in the best of moods and DH just woke up sleepily and offered to 'walk him'. Arggggghhh!! Kills me every time! It's like rubbing salt into a wound iykwim. It was a bad night, I'm sleep deprived and so I ended up snapping at him and now he's gone back to sleep... Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 17/05/2010 09:40

Pigletmania - bit harsh, don't you think?

Original poster

koeda · 17/05/2010 09:50

I am eating humble pie... I didn't do anything this morning - left DH to it (apart from a quick bf) and guess what.... after getting a little screamy and overtired DH got DS off to sleep for his morning nap. Man, I feel bad - denying DH a chance all this time all because I couldn't bear listening to DS crying in someone else's arms .

You've all given me that little push I needed into letting go and proving it's OK. Now I just need to work on the self-settling. Daylight and a few sage words from MN always puts a new perspective on things...

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

pigletmania · 17/05/2010 09:53

No not really this is AIBU and i was frank and honest not nasty

pigletmania · 17/05/2010 09:55

Thats gerat koeda hope that I did not sound too horrible, was a bit short as dd 3.2 has wound me up a bit this morning.

Spatchadoodledo · 17/05/2010 09:57

It might help putting one of your tops between bub and your DH? Then DS will have your smell iykwim?

thesecondcoming · 17/05/2010 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

koeda · 17/05/2010 09:59

Oh goodness no pigletmania, no offense taken. Hey, after all I was the one being snappy with my DH after no sleep last night!

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 17/05/2010 10:05

Just the way I read it then Piglet hope you get a better morning tomorrow!

whatname · 17/05/2010 10:10

take the help when it is offered, you are making a rod for your own back if you are insisting its only you that can get the baby to sleep. it's only cos the baby is more used to you.
Give your husband a chance, the baby will get used to him and bond, which is so much better than just you being able to do anything with the baby.
please please let him help
you dont know how lucky you are with him wanting to help!!

TulipsInTheSunshine · 17/05/2010 10:25

There's something dp always says about parenting that is very true... with our first he went into a state of panic if she screamed and assumed unless she was magically settled asap he was being a bad parent, by the time two and three came along he was far more relaxed and had come to understand that a baby screaming isn't at risk of suddenly imploding and was far more confidant about just walking around with them yowling at his shoulder.

The differance for me was that with dc1 if he was in charge and she cried he immedietly came running to me to have her fed... even if i as on the loo or in the shower! With the younger dcs he realised how ridiculous that was and let me have a break while he took them out of earshot to howl for a while... and you'd be surprised how little they actually screamed before falling asleep on his shoulder every time!

It sounds like in your case the roles are reversed... it's you that can't bear listening to the screaming and thinks the baby will somehow be damaged by having a bit of a shout whereas your (very patient) dh is perfectly happy to deal with a bit of screaming so you can have a break.... accept his help before he stops offering and remember, it's good for a baby to air it's lungs occasionally, as long as baby is fed, warm and dry then it's not abuse to just let it yell for a few minutes for your own sanity

BlameItOnTheBogey · 17/05/2010 10:26

Well done Koeda; sounds like this could be really positive for all of you.

whatname · 17/05/2010 10:33

koeda, this is a huge thing, you will be so pleased you did it!!

SeaTrek · 17/05/2010 10:37

YABU, although I do understand what you are saying.

Please think of a job that your DH can do to help at the moment. I am sure it is important for him to feel like he is supporting you and being useful. The last thing you want is him feeling useless and then never bothering to offer help.

Morloth · 17/05/2010 11:00

YABU, but you are sleep deprived so you get a bit of a pass.

DH doesn't do night-time stuff at all because there is not much point and he is at work all day and needs to be sharp. However, he does do all baby related stuff on weekends (apart from feeding obviously) and also does the 5am nappy change.

Definitely don't discourage him from doing anything, you will regret it mightily later when you end up with a DH who won't help because he can't do anything right.

Nothing worse than a mummy martyr who has brought in on herself but telling her DH that he can't look after the baby.

Downdog · 17/05/2010 11:08

YABU - understandably so. Sleep deprivation isn't nice.

DH & baby need to develop a bond - and to do this they need the time together. So difficult as it may be I would try and step back from time to time & let them deal with each other.

Does DH bath baby? My OH bathed DD from about 2 weeks old (still does most nights). It was excellent skin on skin contact, and tender practical caring that was so important to their bonding (they are really close). I had to push him (OK insist) at first as OH was very nervous, but he soon got into the swing of things & the really got each others vibe. I BF so I still did all the feeding but OH was very involved in getting her off to sleep, burping etc.

Your man is really being great - encourage him & learn to give up the load - you don't have to carry it all.

Firawla · 17/05/2010 11:11

YABU but as you let your dh take him this morning not BU so much anymore
Regardless of making a rod for your back and all that, it seems really unfair on dh if he wants to help to keep telling him "no, only i can do it." if it was for bf then yes only you can do it, but walking and rocking no reason the dad cant do too, its just a case of letting him as you found out. Your dh sounds a realy nice guy who wants to be involved and helping out with the baby, so you shouldn't push him out it could be quite hurtful. Let him help and show that you do believe he is capable looking after the baby just as you are, then he will continue and you will end up keeping your helpful cooperative husband, otherwise you do have a risk of turning him into a 'whats the point of bothering, dw will have to do it all' type husband, and as your dc gets older and especially when you have more children i really doubt thats the type of husband you want to end up with, but theres only so much rejection people can take so if you did keep it up definitely he would have stopped offering so much, and probably felt resentful too that he wants a chance with his own baby

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