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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to deal with/cuddle my children when they are sick?

44 replies

Dancergirl · 16/05/2010 21:36

I have a vomit phobia and have had for many years since my childhood. Luckily my children don't seem to get sick too often and when they do dh is often around (eg at night).

I can just about manage to put sicky clothes/bedding etc in the washing machine but dh does most of it. And I don't want to kiss and cuddle them just when they probably need it most

I know this is all part and parcel of being a parent and I feel so pathetic and guilty. My 9 year old came home on Friday from a school camping trip with a sickness bug - she is just about ok now but now our 3 year old dd has it. I'm terrified of her being sick again and, even more so, me getting it too. Loads of handwashing today!

OP posts:
Devendra · 16/05/2010 21:53

Get some treatment for the phobia.

moonstorm · 16/05/2010 21:59

YABU

Firawla · 16/05/2010 21:59

I was going to say YABU but it seems like you do know this is something a bit wrong and that you need to deal with it, so its not like just being heartless but for their sakes i think you do really need to tackle the phobia and try to sort it out as they probably really would love a cuddle from their mum when they are not feeling well. Maybe GP can suggest something for you, i dont know if they do workshops to get over sick phobia same like they do for spiders??

oliviacrumble · 16/05/2010 21:59

Very very tough on your kids.

Agree, you must get some help with this.

Imagine how rejected they must feel, at a time when they need you most.

I don't wish to make you feel any worse than you do, but surely you must see the importance of dealing with this as a matter of urgency.

This is hardly the last vomitting bug they're likely to get!

Chandra · 16/05/2010 22:01

There is a support group here in Mumsnet for people who suffer from the same. If it is the same thing, it is not that you are mean, it is an illness.

chesgirlNOTgriffins · 16/05/2010 22:03

Its a phobia so YANBU.

It must be horrible not to be able to cuddle them because you are scared.

I am pretty immune to it all now. I cant say I enjoy it but it takes a hell of a lot to freak me out after 5 kids

Its not your fault. Maybe you can bring it up with your older DD when the time is right. Kids can be pretty understanding.

ShatnersBassoon · 16/05/2010 22:04

It's only unreasonable if you don't try to overcome the problem.

You must try to comfort and cuddle them, even if you can't face scraping vomit off sheets, which frankly is an awful task even to those who aren't especially revolted by such things.

roomforthree · 16/05/2010 22:04

YABU. My mum was just like this, and we we carted off to our grandmother's every time we got sick.

May be part of the reason why our relationship is so strained...

Please get help.

fedup1981 · 16/05/2010 22:10

I think you just constantly need to reassure them that you do love them, you just have an irrational fear of sick. And make sure that you're eager to cuddle them and fuss them as soon as they're cleaned up.

compo · 16/05/2010 22:12

There is a thread on here for emptophobes

you are not alone xx

Thediaryofanobody · 16/05/2010 22:17

You know YABU if you can touch sicky clothes then you can hug your child.

thinker · 16/05/2010 22:19

YANBU. It is so hard, I suffer from anxiety regarding my kids health and am terrified of them getting meningitis. When they are ill sometimes I almost freeze with fear, it is a form of panic attack. I am so frightened they will die I go to peices and have a melt down. Luckily my fab husband is very good and takes over. I feel so crap because my poor husband now has 2 puking crapping fevered kids and a hysterical wife to deal with. I have had hypnotherapy, and am on Sertraline tablets and have just been referred to the Health Psychology team to be treated for this. Go and get help from the GP and try and sort it out, but dont beat yourself up about it because it doesnt mean you don`t care for your kids. Phobias are powerful and irrational and take over. Good luck xxx

Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/05/2010 22:40

Thank you for your replies. It's so hard. I think the not wanting to touch them is because I'm scared of getting the bug. Luckily dh is hands-on and every bit as loving as me so hopefully they will not suffer too much.

I HAVE had treatment - NHS therapy with a therapist who told the only way to treat it is to actually vomit and said I should drink a glass of saltwater. Then hypnotherapy a couple of years ago - v v expensive and I'm no better for it. Then more NHS therapy just recently. This seemed to be the best so far - he was teaching me to think differently and think of sickness as being unpleasant rather than terrifying. The problem is, it all makes sense logically until I am faced with a situation such as this when all the illogical feelings come flooding back.

Where is the thread on emetophobia on here?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 16/05/2010 22:46

Hello Dancer, have a search for emetophobes/emetophobia on the Mental Health topic.

You can get some help with this problem. You can see some improvement in your reactions to vomiting, although probably not a complete cure. I found the most useful therapy to be cognitive behaviourial therapy, which I was lucky enough to get free on the NHS, although I did have to wait 6 months for treatment.

I don't think it is helpful to suggest to this op that her children will resent her in later life is she is unable to kiss and cuddle them on the rare occasions they are actually being sick! I don't believe this for one second Dancer, they will love you for the physical affection you show to them all the hundreds and thousands of days of their childhood when they aren't sick .

roomforthree · 16/05/2010 23:00

bibbitybobbityhat - You may not believe it, but it HAS affected my relationship with my mother. Tne person I wanted most when I was sick was my mother, and she wasn't there for me. To this day, I have a stronger bond with my grandmother.

I'm not suggesting that this will be the case for the op and her DC, but it is is something that the op should be aware of.

And this was posted in AIBU, so it's fair to give my personal opinion; supportive or not.

OP, good luck. I hope that you are able to overcome this.

BettyBizzghetti · 16/05/2010 23:05

I agree with bibbity. I've been a regular on the emet threads (under another name), and they are really, really supportive with this phobia.

If you were just saying "I don't like ill children because they're messy", you would be unreasonable. However, phobias are absolutely not in the "AIBU" category. They're real and devastating to the sufferer as well as to those who live with them.

Dancergirl, I also delegate this particular one to my DH. Try to find the emet threads - they are fantastic. You are not alone!

BettyBizzghetti · 16/05/2010 23:06

here

BettyBizzghetti · 16/05/2010 23:07

and here!

BettyBizzghetti · 16/05/2010 23:08

sorry - first one didn't work. Here it is again!

Notalone · 16/05/2010 23:18

YANBU - I suffer from the same phobia and I understand all to well how you feel. You know you want to cuddle them and that they need the comfort and that you should but those feelings of terror won't let you. There is some good unjudgemental advice on here - bar Moonstorm, (very constructive and nice of you to elaborate for the OP . What some don't realise is that this is not about it being a bit yucky or inconvenient but something that terrifies and freezes those with emetaphobia. I for one have had to go to my GP to obtain anti sickness tablets because if I am sick I honestly think I might die. It is truly horrendous. The emetaphobic thread has been a godsend for me too in the past so if you can get over to the mental health section you will find you are not odd or strange or unnatural. Believe it or not this phobia is in the top 5 most common in the country and you really are not alone. Good luck

BettyBizzghetti · 16/05/2010 23:27

Hello notalone!

(I am also Nelly and Dottoressa, in case you wondered!)

BritFish · 17/05/2010 00:52

YANBU, please keep trying to find help on this, i hope you find soemthing that works soon. poor you

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plopsie · 17/05/2010 08:26

Definitely not being unreasonable. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is wonderful and does indeed work for this type of phobia but the cure can wear off a little if there are lengthy intervals between the cure being 'reinforced' by exposure to the feared situation. Could you prepare yourself a folder of photos you could use periodically to keep yourself desensitised? I had a course of CBT and whilst still anxious, I can now face my fear but just accept that I will never be entirely happy about it. I really hope you manage to beat this because you sound like a very loving and sensitive mother so please don't beat yourself up over this.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/05/2010 08:29

YANBU, and you obviously feel terrible about it and want to do something, so it's a bit insensitive of people to say YABU.

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