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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my relative really is a crushingly rude/insensitive person?

37 replies

JaneS · 14/05/2010 14:34

Not a big deal, but I am a bit open-mouthed about this. Both my cousins married recently, and (as it happens) neither of them thanked me for the gifts I gave them. They asked for money, and I gave them 50 quid each which I think they thought was stingy, but hey. I'm getting married myself this summer and my cousin has just passed on some 'advice' which includes 'remember to buy thank-you cards along with invitations so you don't forget anyone'!!!

And she knows she didn't bother to thank my family, as my parents gave them a pretty large amount and mum was irritated enough about not being thanked that she mentioned it to cousin recently.

AIBU to think this is just amazingly rude? I'm sure she doesn't mean to be rude but how can you be that lacking in self awareness? How?

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 14/05/2010 14:42

Maybe she can offer that advice through her own experience of forgetting to thank everyone, and getting some flack for it?

In the same circumstance I think I would have found it incredibly funny and laughed!

Flyonthewindscreen · 14/05/2010 14:43

YANBU, does your cousin think you don't need to thank close family or something? Only charitable explanation I can think of for her comment. I hate people not thanking for gifts, etc, its just rude. Doesn't have to be a gushing thank you letter, a quick call or text is fine...

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 14:48

I did laugh Jeezy. But I am pissed off too - honestly, would you not be? Btw I have met her about 5 times in my life (my cousin is her husband), so it's not as if she knows me all that well.

Grrr. Ah well ... would it be awful to make a comment about the irony to her or will I just start a row?

OP posts:
Smithagain · 14/05/2010 14:54

Hmmm - it might have been her embarrassed, roundabout way of apologising for having forgotten?

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 14:57

I didn't think of that ... I don't think it is though. She's not terribly self-aware.

Should probably give her the benefit of the doubt though, you're right.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 14/05/2010 15:00

No, I don't think I would be pissed off, to be honest. I don't give a gift to get thanks, I give it because I want to, and any thanks is a wonderful bonus, but not an expectation. And in this situation, the laughter is a bigger bonus than the thanks would have been!

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:01

Hmm. It was made pretty clear to us that the gift was the price of the invitation, if you see what I mean.

You're right I should just laugh it off though.

OP posts:
DaisymooSteiner · 14/05/2010 15:01

I'd have said 'What, like you did?' with a big smile.

grottielottie · 14/05/2010 15:04

No excuse for not saying Thankyou.

It took me three days to write to thank everyone that came to our wedding and it didn't matter to me weather they had spent £5 or £500. It was the least i could do as our guests made the day absolutely fantastic.

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:16

She emailed me the 'advice', so I couldn't respond then and there. If she'd said it in person I think my face would have shown what I was thinking pretty clearly!

OP posts:
tablefor3 · 14/05/2010 15:29

Perhaps since it was her husband who was your family rather than her (if I read it properly) they had decided to split the Thank Yous between the families rather than leaving it to the charming, traditional habit of the woman suddenly becoming responsible for all correspondence with both families. So, the fault for the no-show Thank You actually sits with your cousin, the groom.

We did this, and still do this for Christmas cards, buying wedding presents etc. Whoever is more related does the work. I also make sure that DH's family know that this is how is happens in our house so that when their Christmas cards are late it is not my responsibility.

Apologies if I have read the relationship wrong, and obviously YANBU for wanting a thank you for somebody! £50 is a generous amount for distant relations.

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:37

No, she did them all herself, she's said so before. She takes a lot of pride in being organized and my cousin is useless (not sticking up for him, but she wouldn't have let him near thank-you cards). I don't like the idea of women doing all the correspondence either, it's really annoying.

OP posts:
tablefor3 · 14/05/2010 15:41

In that case how very, very odd.

Perhaps you should email back with a question as to how to double-check that all TYs are received and not mislaid in the post since you know that she would have sent one to you, and you know, you've been too embarrassed to say anything, but your's didn't actually arrive.....

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:44

I might ... I might. My parents and my two brothers never got thanked for either of my cousin's wedding gifts, so I know perfectly well they're not lost in the post. I just don't know what she's playing at otherwise.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 14/05/2010 15:45

I think you should ask her where she got hers as they were lovely.

That's fucking confuse her.

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:46

Ok: if I emailed her back something like

'Thanks for all the advice, sounds good. I was thinking thank-you cards had gone out of fashion!'

Would that be about right to suggest to her I might be a bit annoyed but not making too much of a thing about it?

OP posts:
tablefor3 · 14/05/2010 15:47

Perhpas you should ask if there is a de minimis on the value of gifts before thanking is required - since she is the expert on all matrimonial etiquette!

Is she generally crazy in other aspects of her life?

tablefor3 · 14/05/2010 15:49

Dragon - if you sent that email it would sail happily right over her head. Instead, you would get a long email lecture on the importance of TY cards and so on...

[blissful self-unaware emoticon]

etchasketch · 14/05/2010 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 14/05/2010 15:52

You could put something like

"Thank you for the advice, it's really useful!

"I take it the bit about thank you cards was intended in the category of 'do as I say, not as I do' LOL!!"

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:53

That email probably would sail over her head. Mind you she wouldn't get the notelets one either -she has already told me they have to match the stationery for place cards. (!)

I might go with 'Gosh, I hadn't thought about thank-you cards - don't think I've ever had anything but a thank-you email before'.

This is true, actually: I've had email thanks from friends' weddings and that was just fine.

She is, btw, a total expert in wedding etiquette. She planned hers and her sister's weddings and is considering becoming a wedding planner. Other than that she seems quite sane, but that's mad enough in my view!

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 15:55

Cross-posted with Balloonslayer. I can't put that! It's a really fine line with her between her not noticing, and her throwing a paddy.

OP posts:
tablefor3 · 14/05/2010 15:56

What would happen if you outright asked her!?

What happened when your mother asked?

BalloonSlayer · 14/05/2010 15:57

hahaha, OK then what about "Is there a window of time within which thank you cards should be sent?"

PMSL I would never send any of these suggestions, just seethe and post irately on AIBU.

Original poster
JaneS · 14/05/2010 16:01

Hmm. Well, my mother asked during the other sister's wedding (two sisters married my two cousins). So it wasn't the politest timing! Cousin's wife blushed and said she was sure she'd sent one, then went upstairs, came down carrying a card, and said 'I've just looked in my bag and realized it's still here, I never sent it'.

This being almost a year after her wedding.

Flimsy excuse? Never!

I know I ought to just seethe and post (that is kind of what I'm doing). But ... it is tempting.

OP posts: