to think my relative really is a crushingly rude/insensitive person?

[JaneS]

Not a big deal, but I am a bit open-mouthed about this. Both my cousins married recently, and (as it happens) neither of them thanked me for the gifts I gave them. They asked for money, and I gave them 50 quid each which I think they thought was stingy, but hey. I'm getting married myself this summer and my cousin has just passed on some 'advice' which includes 'remember to buy thank-you cards along with invitations so you don't forget anyone'!!!

And she knows she didn't bother to thank my family, as my parents gave them a pretty large amount and mum was irritated enough about not being thanked that she mentioned it to cousin recently.

AIBU to think this is just amazingly rude? I'm sure she doesn't mean to be rude but how can you be that lacking in self awareness? How?

I think I would just say, "Thanks for the advice. I know you are a bit of an expert on these things - is there a rule that you don't send thankyou notes to family because my parents, brothers and I were a bit surprised frankly to not get one from you."

That is properly disgraceful!

Seriously, assuming that you don;t have much to lose in this relationship, email thanks for the advice, but ask how you decide who does and doesn;t get thanked because you and your brother(s) never received anything from her, so there must have been some reason of which you are unaware. Go on, I dare you!

On a real note, it is worth checking if someone has actually received the present in question. Friends on mine (Couple A) got married and were slightly surprised and agreived not to have received a present from couple B, as were long standing friends etc. A then were a bit grumpy with B. B, meanwhile, were feeling grumpy because they had bought a present, but never received a thank you from A, despite being long standing friends etc. Being British no-one said anything, just relations cooled.

Anyway, at some point B checked their credit card statement and realised that the present was never actually processed on the website, hence not sent, hence no TY.

Cue: new present bought, TYs all round, happiness restored.

Obviously none of the above applies to your rude cousin-in-law!

crossed posted with casmama. Go on. You know you want to....

I think casmama's response is just about perfect!

or you could say something along the lines of

"It's great getting tips from someone that has already been there and made the mistakes, thank you!"

I have the same problem with rude, obnoxious, arrogant, snooty cousins

Thanks people! Sorry, was in the library hence the silence.

I will let you know if I say something. I am ridiculously peace-makery with them because my own mum can be pretty rude and she and her sister-in-law were sort of quietly seething at each other during both weddings.

Btw, I know both cousins got our presents as they both asked for money and all the money cleared out of accounts! (And trust me, as a poor student, I notice money going out of my account!).

It is extremely rude to be given a gift and not thank the person for it. It really annoys me that Dh has a cousin who has never thanked us for the several gifts we have sent but it makes me really that they never thanked Nan for the loan of a four figure some until they were told too.

Ok, I finally (!) plucked up my courage and wrote her a little reply saying I wondered if she mentioned thank-yous for a reason as we'd not had any from her or her sister. I kept it really chatty and light and answered her other questions about the dress and stuff, so hopefully it will be ok.

I am so nervous now, hope I've done the right thing. God I'm a silly bint, aren't I?

"I wondered if she mentioned thank-yous for a reason as we'd not had any from her or her sister."

Very nice.

It look us an age to write thank yous for our wedding presents, but we did it. DH did his, as well, whch I was joking was a present in itself. Samples of his handwriting are so very rare.... His friends must have been astonished and delighted (compared to my friends, who would have just felt, I hope, pleased).

I am glad you approve - I'm just waiting to see what she says now. I know it's daft to get in a stress about it but I think otherwise, people just walk all over me, so ... hopefully I will learn to be a bit more assertive with MN's lovely support!

I agree with a previous poster. It was really the groom who was being rude as it was up to him to ensure his side of the family were thanked for their presents.