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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have hoped DP would at least try do a weekend on his own?

36 replies

cerealqueen · 14/05/2010 13:48

I probably am being unreasonable but need to have a little rant...

DP is has been away a lot playing in a band, sometimes one or two weekends in a row. He thinks he may be away for six weekends in a row in the autumn. I don't have any help. I think its a bit much and he keeps telling me to go away too. All my friends with kids agree, saying that until I do, he will never understand. So, for the first time since DD was born (she is 18 months) I am going away Sat morning till Sunday evening, which took some organising. First time I've left her this long, its a big deal to me. BUT, I felt it had to be done sometime and, I was hoping that DP would get a bit of perspective coping on his own and taking responsibility.

Just found out that DP has his sister coming to stay for the weekend. (she is not local) I'm just really pissed off and we have had a huge row. I have told him that he can't again ask me to do something that he is not prepared to do himself. He says he didn't realise it was a test, its not his fault my family are s**t (I have a brother and sister local but they are not interested) It wasn't a test but I was hoping that he might see what its like for a change.

Grrrrrrrr.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 14/05/2010 13:55

is his sister coming to specifically help him out or is he just asking her because she'd like to spend some time with him and DD?

Original poster

cerealqueen · 14/05/2010 13:56

To help out it seems. We only saw her a few of weeks ago.

OP posts:

minipie · 14/05/2010 13:57

YANBU.

Can you call up the sis, explain the position, and ask her not to help him out with the childcare?

if she has kids she might see where you're coming from.

If that doesn't work, maybe you could pop out for the evening on short notice (i.e. not enough time for him to get family round) at some point.

mountainmonkey · 14/05/2010 14:01

I can see where you're coming from - that you want him to understand what you cope with and not take you for granted. But look on the bright side- at least you're getting some time to yourself. Focus on having a lovely weekend and don't let all this ruin it for you.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/05/2010 14:01

Hmmm. If he'd refused to "let" you go, that would be one thing. But if he's happy to look after them for the weekend but wants company, i think that's his choice.

I mean, my husband and I share childcare, so some days I spend home with our daughter and some days he does. I am more sociable than he is, and also my family live nearby and his in another state. So my days at home involve going to playgroup, or my mum comes round and we go out for the day, or something like that. His days with her are more solitary, he fills in the time on his own.

Would it be okay for him to insist that I didn't spend the day with my mum just because his mum lives interstate?

On the other hand, I gather that you are going away in order to show him how hard it is to be alone all weekend. And he's getting out of it. I am sympathetic to that; my husband sometimes travels for a week at a time and I go solo. We've come to a good arrangement about that, though; because I can't afford to take the time off work (I'm the breadwinner) the deal is that if he goes away he organises the help. So if it's a week away, he flies his mother over from interstate to help. His trip, his childcare problem. So maybe if the issue is his weekends away, can you institute a rule that he organises help when he wants to travel?

mazzystartled · 14/05/2010 14:03

I think YABU actually

Go away and enjoy yourself

If he can draft in resources to help, why shouldn't he? Perhaps his sister can come and help you too one of the weekends away, as a favour to you both?

HOWEVER
If you are accommodating you going away with his band, I think it is not unreasonable to expect him to think about helping you to find some support - paid teenage babysitter to play with DD for the Saturday afternoons or something?

franke · 14/05/2010 14:05

I think yab a little u Surely it's good he's acknowledging that he can't cope on his own, so he's arranged help - you haven't had to do it for him. I hope you have a lovely weekend away.

ChildOfThe70s · 14/05/2010 14:06

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. he goes away a lot, so he's saying you should too - that's great. Yes, it IS hard looking after kids on your own, you know that so why do you want him to suffer too? You haven't said that he thinks its a doddle - perhaps he does realise how hard you are working so that's why he's saying you should have time off? Wouldn't it be good for his sis to see the kids too?

I would just be planning my time away and not worrying what he's going to get up to!

Original poster

cerealqueen · 14/05/2010 14:09

I thought about calling his sister initially when I found out and wish I said something when I saw her but didn't as it did not ocurr to me.

Don't want her to think I'm being churlish, and don't really want to involve her now we have had this huge row. She has kids of her own, teenager and two grown up. When DP referred to discussions with her about him doing his band stuff, it sounds like she has been of the view that we each have to do our own stuff too which is fine, but his stuff takes him off for whole weekends!!

OP posts:

Mouseface · 14/05/2010 14:10

YAB a tiny bit U.

Just let him get on with it. The fact his sis is coming over is his admittance he can't do it on his own as others have said.

Go and have a blast! I'm so jealous.

Original poster

cerealqueen · 14/05/2010 14:16

He arranges his weekends without checking with me, I don't have a say. He kept insisting he'd never know what its like to do a weekend on his own unless I went away too and now the chance to find out and he bottles it.

OP posts:

fruitful · 14/05/2010 14:17

Part of the purpose of your days away was for him to see how hard it is. The fact that he has rushed off and called his sister in to help would indicate that he understands perfectly well how hard it is, already.

He wants to be away a lot, and he thinks that will be ok as long as you get to go away too. Whereas what you actually want is not to have to do all the lone-parenting in the first place. Is that right?

I wouldn't do 6 weekends in a row. I'd Just Say No. . He wants to go away without me, he can take the kids with him.

Tell him you're taking him up on his suggestion of a few weekends away by yourself. And then pick three of those six weekends in the autumn. (I realise that isn't practical. You don't want to leave your 18mo with whichever relative he'd manage to fob her off on, but still)

rubyrubyruby · 14/05/2010 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/05/2010 14:20

Yanbu.

My dh did precisely the same thing the first time I left him alone with dd for a weekend(she was just over 2). He invited his mum and dad to stay . I was v annoyed because I spend a lot of time alone with the children at weekends (he usually works at the weekend) and he had no idea what that's really like.

I quite understand where you're coming from.

Original poster

cerealqueen · 14/05/2010 14:21

Its also about him taking some responsibility for a change and being a parent.

Its not about making him suffer, its about making him understand.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 14/05/2010 14:22

I think the fact that he doesn't take you into consideration when planning the weekends away is far more of a problem than drafting in help when he thinks he needs it.

In your position I would make it clear that you are happy to support him in pursuing his hobby/dream/second career (dunno how serious this band is) but that you expect:

him to ensure he still has plenty of time with his child

and

him to ensure you have some support whilst he is away

Are you a SAHM by the way or working?

fruitful · 14/05/2010 14:22

x-posted.

You do have a say. Next time he informs you of a weekend he's going to be away, say sorry, but I can't do childcare for you that weekend. I have other plans.

It isn't on for him to just announce he won't be around for a weekend. Unless it is ok for you to do it too, that is.

Dh and I have a weekend away without each other about once every 2 years. He books an evening out about 3 weeks in advance, asking (not telling) if it's ok, and then phones from work on the day to check I'm still ok for him not to be back till late. He is trying hard to make sure I don't completely fall apart on him ...

Downdog · 14/05/2010 14:24

I don't think YABU.

It sounds to me like you don't actually want a weekend away from your 18 month old (just yet anyway), but are doing this while you can so OH gets to experience what you have to handle so often on your own. And he has copped out of this by getting sister over to assist - and then saying to you effectively, that the reason you are on your own when he goes away is because your family are rubbish. So you are getting away for the weekend somewhat reluctantly, and he still won't realise what it's like to spend all weekend alone with DD - so what has been achieved from your point of view? I'd be annoyed too though it's hard not to seem churlish by objecting to it.

Do you get on well with SIL? Perhaps you could suggest that he does it by himself this weekend & arranges for SIL to come and stay with YOU next time he goes away?

Oh & make sure you leave early Sat & come back late Sunday so he get's full days in.

Chunkamatic · 14/05/2010 14:30

YANBU. I would feel exactley the same. I think you're right about it being his responsibility for a change. I fear my DP would do something similar so I sympathise!

minipie · 14/05/2010 15:35

"I think the fact that he doesn't take you into consideration when planning the weekends away is far more of a problem than drafting in help when he thinks he needs it."

agree completely with this.

"You do have a say. Next time he informs you of a weekend he's going to be away, say sorry, but I can't do childcare for you that weekend. I have other plans."

And this.

diddl · 14/05/2010 15:42

Is it work or a hobby?

babyball · 14/05/2010 15:42

YABU a little. Just arrange another weekend away as soon as you can. He won't always be able to rely on reinforcements and will eventually have to do the job himself surely

expatinscotland · 14/05/2010 15:43

Next time, don't tell him you're going until the day of.

sungirltan · 14/05/2010 15:57

yanbu re the band stuff all the time at weekends. dh wouldn't dare try and pull that nonsense. i would be seriously hacked off about that.

if he wants help with dd the first time is that the end of the world? he is at the v least being responsible. go away more - doubt sil can help him every time and he will learn...

petisa · 14/05/2010 16:00

Totally agree with mazzy in both her posts!

I can understand how you feel, but it seems you're annoyed because he wants to go away so much and arranges to go without asking you and yanbu at ALL to find that unacceptable.

I would say no to six weekends away in a row, unless as others have said, dp arranged help for me, and I got some weekends away myself later in the year. Otherwise, it would definitely be NO.

The worst thing IMO is that he arranges weekends away without asking you. I would have a very serious word about that, and if it happened again, I would say "no, sorry, I have plans that weekend".

I recently had a girly weekend away for the first time without dd (just turned 2) from Sat morning until Mon morning and dp was fine alone with dd, it was a nice bonding experience for them. He had no-one to ask for help even if he'd wanted to.

The trip was FABULOUS!! Had lovely lunches and dinners in nice places with friends in peace. Make sure you enjoy yourself!!

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