to have hoped DP would at least try do a weekend on his own?

[cerealqueen]

I probably am being unreasonable but need to have a little rant...

DP is has been away a lot playing in a band, sometimes one or two weekends in a row. He thinks he may be away for six weekends in a row in the autumn. I don't have any help. I think its a bit much and he keeps telling me to go away too. All my friends with kids agree, saying that until I do, he will never understand. So, for the first time since DD was born (she is 18 months) I am going away Sat morning till Sunday evening, which took some organising. First time I've left her this long, its a big deal to me. BUT, I felt it had to be done sometime and, I was hoping that DP would get a bit of perspective coping on his own and taking responsibility.

Just found out that DP has his sister coming to stay for the weekend. (she is not local) I'm just really pissed off and we have had a huge row. I have told him that he can't again ask me to do something that he is not prepared to do himself. He says he didn't realise it was a test, its not his fault my family are s**t (I have a brother and sister local but they are not interested) It wasn't a test but I was hoping that he might see what its like for a change.

Grrrrrrrr.

You are not happy that he leaves you alone for so many weekends.
He thinks it is ok to leave you alone for so many weekends. (Or he wouldn't do it).

So your thinking was, if he only knew what it was like, he would change his mind.

Problem is, even if he were to do a whole weekend alone, he wouldn't know what it's like. Because it wouldn't be the same for him, a one off thing, well planned ahead, completely different to your regular weekend situation. And as weekdays are probably different for him than for you, too. If you are a SAHM for you weekends alone are more of the same, tedious work - whereas if he goes out to work, a weekend alone might be a very enjoyable change of scenery.
So I think your plan was doomed to fail anyway, no matter if he got his sister around to help or not.

So what to do? Perhaps instead of trying to make him realise, just tell him. Or do your feelings not count? Could you not just tell him: "Listen, you obviously don't realise, but I'm fed up with the situation and do NOT appreciate you leaving me alone all weekend so often. We are going to have to sit down together and discuss how we are going to deal with this, because it CANNOT continue as is."
Why do your feelings need to be validated by him experiencing them himself? Is it not enough to tell him how you feel?

(Ok this is a semi-rhetorical question. I understand that it could well be that he indeed does not take you seriously. But then perhaps there are some other underlying issues in your relationship that need looking at.)

Downdog, you have it completely right. He kept going on at me to arrange a weekend so he could do the whole childcare thing himself so I did. I don't think he ever thought I would. I'm still breastfeeding so no idea how that will pan out Sunday morning. DD won't drink milk so he'll have to get her a cup of water and get her down to breakfast pronto. He usuallly has a snooze while I'm feeding her. DD and I don't snooze, she's too busy pulling at my straps and trying to put her fingers up my nose.
I like SIL and get on well with her but not easy enough with her yet to do a weekend, she'd be a guest and I'd have enough to do.
He has done bedtimes, mornings etc on his own. He knows what to do. He's never done a whole day though.

Band stuff is hobby, though he does get paid.

To answer an earlier question, I work three days a week.

We have had so many rows about his weekends because he'd just tell me the dates and that was it. I asked him to ask me first but then, its rare I'd have stuff planned months ahead. I objected to the six weeks. He is not grateful because he has no idea what its like being on your own and said I never gave him the chance as I did not go away and do my own stuff. Now I'm giving him the chance he still isn't doing it.

"He kept going on at me to arrange a weekend so he could do the whole childcare thing himself so I did."

Oh it was his idea? He wanted to do all the childcare on his own... and now he's drafted in SIL?

No YA Definitely NBU.

But, I still think the main thing is him going away so much and leaving you and DCs.

I still think you are pissed off about the wrong things

Seriously how about you get someone in to help on those weekends? I used to pay a teenager who lives down the road to play with DS for a few hours once or twice a week when DD was really small and DH was working insane hours. Was brilliant, and cheap. Or take DD to visit some friends somewhere else and he can bankroll it.

Him looking after DD single handed one weekend isn't ever going to be anything other than a novelty - he will still not be able to understand the relentlessness of solo parenting for days on end.

I can't remember whose idea it was, but he was really keen for me to get away. He says he did not as his sister, she offered, he agreed. He could have explained but then I guess he'd have to say I'm not happy with him going away so much.

I think the solution is to plan six more weekends away for you!

Somehow I can't see his sister wanting to come and help every time, so he would HAVE to go it alone after the first one or two. Then maybe he will see where you're coming from

Seriously though I think YANBU, it sounds like he never really expected you to go away and was just using that as a way to stop you complaining about his trips - "well I told you to go away too but you won't!". Now you have called his bluff he is being a bit pathetic backing out of what he agreed to.

Lots of comments about the six week away thing. The first step in trying to address that was for him to get some kind of perspective by doing it himself, thats why I'm so mad. He keeps saying that there will be other weekends. I'm just really tired of us not understanding where the other is coming from. We are supposed to to be trying for another baby (when we discussed it, will I have to give up the band was his first question). He keeps making me feel bad by saying I've worked all my life for this (i.e. the music). I know family will always come second if a choice has to me made.
The question for me, really, is how long I'll put up with it.

Well, make sure your contraception is 100% reliable while you make your mind up, won't you.

Oh Dear i don't think YABU
I have a hubby that works weekends and if i did go away ( not even a handful of times in the last 3 years) he gets his mum to come and have them (but its different because we have 2 under 3, and i don't expect him to manage), i see it, that if i get a night away and a break with the girls, then i would rather know that he has some help. He also doesn't get that much quality time with his mum, so i think its nice for them all to spend time together.
But i see where you are coming from... you definitely need to get it sorted out before trying for another baby, because it sounds like he will put his band first even if you have 2.. and think all weekend for 6 weekends in a row would grate on you even more...
Think as someone suggested, you need to go on another weekend away.. when his sister isn't helping..

My DH also works away at the weekend. I would be disappointed if my DH couldn't look after his own child on his own for a couple of days.
Is being in the band his job or a hobby? I hope you enjoy your well deserved time away.