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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not bother helping 9yo DD to get ready for school?

37 replies

Cadelaide · 14/05/2010 08:19

She has been very rude to me for making her a poached egg and not a boiled one, refused to stop watching tracy beaker and thrown her brother's breakfast to the chickens.

She's on her own. She can be late for school and I will be telling the teacher why.

OP posts:
cory · 14/05/2010 08:28

Sounds like she's blown it then, doesn't it? I don't think you get flamed on here for that.

LIZS · 14/05/2010 08:30

omg that you can manage a cooked breakfast on a school day! We don't do tv in the mornings , way too much stress all round.

mrsruffallo · 14/05/2010 08:32

TV in the morning is a baaad isea

weegiemum · 14/05/2010 08:35

We also have no TV in the morning.

What "help" does a 9yo need though? My 3 (6, 8, 10) can all get own breakfast/clean teeth/dress appropriately/do hair/help with packed lunches/ without my active help, just a bit of reminding.... and tying dd2's tie if she's wearing one!

weegiemum · 14/05/2010 08:35

But no, YANBU, sounds like she's been awful!

bellissima · 14/05/2010 08:47

Another one amazed at your ability to throw anything other than cereal at them. I still help my 7 yr old get dressed but I have vowed not to do so come September.

BudaisintheZONE · 14/05/2010 08:51

YANBU.

I let DS (nearly 9) watch TV in the morning but he can still eat breakfast and get ready while TV is on. Am back helping him get dressed at the moment as he has a broken finger but generally he get ready on his own. I do make his breakfast. Some times I do him egg on toast but I only have one to organise. Feel like a very organised mum when I do!

diddl · 14/05/2010 08:55

I agree to no TV.

And she´s 9-she should be getting herself ready!

cory · 14/05/2010 08:59
DaydreamDolly · 14/05/2010 09:10

YABU. She is still a child and I don't agree with letting her get away with it by ignoring her and letting her be late for school. I'd give her a talking to and get her out of the door.
I just don't like the 'ner ner ner ner ner' tone of the thread, it's like, you did this so ner ner ner ner ner I'm not helping you. I think it's going down to the child's level to be honest, and you are the parent.
My mum would never let me be late for school, she would have been mortified
Punish her and move on.
Sorry if I sound harsh, am not judging you at all, and I agree big kudos for the cooked brekkie!

cory · 14/05/2010 09:21

It's not ner ner ner; it's consequences. Child refuses to stop watching TV, child is late for school. And at 9, you are quite old enough to take reponsibility for getting yourself ready for school in time.

titchy · 14/05/2010 09:21

But dolly at 9 children are old enough to understand that actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. And to suffer the consequences of those actions. If not now, when?

DaydreamDolly · 14/05/2010 09:23

I just don't think being late for school is going to upset a 9 yr old?? Surely there is another consequence for her behaviour that doesn't involve being late? I'm sure the teacher wouldn't thank you that's all.
I totally agree that children should suffer consequences of bad behaviour, absolutely.

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 09:24

I disagree Daydream

Actually I think it is a gift to a child for them to see the consequences of their actions.
As soon as you make the negative effect of a childs poor behaviour fall entirely upon yourself then you are lining up all sorts of problems
When a child learns that if she is late mum will run around chivvying and chasing to get her in on time the only downside being mum will be cross
if she doesn't have her gym kit mum will bring it in but will be cross
if she doesn't do her homework mum will stand over her nagging and assisting until she gets it done and will be cross

then all the downside falls on us and the child makes us the target of every resentment and annoyance.
It is daft

If my DCs are late i help them, if they are rude then they are late and can suck up the detention. They are NEVER late!
If they forget their gym kit I help a few times - if it persists they miss their beloved gym and sure as hell remember next time. They never forget their kit - DS1 learnt at about 9 to check his kit list the night boefore and pack it. DD is 7 and packes her own bag, packs her snack, gets herself ready and makes her breakfast ( with DS1 and a bit of help from me). FGS even DS2 with severe SN makes his own gfcf toast and gets washed and dressed with only a little prompting.

I don't get the huge sighs of 'oh my God how difficult is the morning and then it always sounds like so many households have mum doing and taking responsibility for everything.

Finally - no offense OP ( although I think we probably have the same view here )Can't be too excited about poached eggs for breakfast - you crack the egg into a poacher and wait - and 7 year old DD makes her own toast - and DS1 usually has the sausage and bacon covered.
It ain't a perfect mum. It is the ground work of teaching children to be self sufficient
and independent

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 09:26

Oh and ditto everyone who says TV is banned in the morning. V bad idea to let the tv watching thing happen....[bitter experience]

DaydreamDolly · 14/05/2010 09:26

I agree Pagwatch that children should suffer the consequences of their behaviour, have explained in post above yours (x posts)

ABatInBunkFive · 14/05/2010 09:28

I'd be very surprised if a teacher was to blame the parent of a nine year old for the child being late.

OP YANBU - but how much help do you normally give?

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 09:32

Fair enough (x-posted)

But I still disagree

I give my children consequences but I have no wish to be the only conduit through which they experience them.

It is helpful for a child to experience and understand the consequnce in a direct way, as in
'you are late to school/work and your teacher/employer is annoyed so you are in trouble'
Not 'you are going to be late and that will make mum punish you because if you are late then blah blah blah'

And I don't think teachers mind especially if you take the time to explain that.

MintHumbug · 14/05/2010 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 14/05/2010 09:35

I think age 9 is one where it is good for children to start becoming independent and negotiating with the outside world themselves without mummy helping all the time. I don't take responsibility for ds' homework either: if he can't get himself organised, then it's up to him to explain to the teacher, and he has to accept the lunchtime detention that follows. Ds hasn't exactly asked to go back to the old nagging days....

BalloonSlayer · 14/05/2010 09:36

It's a good idea to explain to the office that you are letting DD be late because of the bad behaviour, to teach her a lesson, and that if it gets her a detention so be it.

The office will be supportive, they love hearing about parents trying to instil a bit of discipline. For them, it's a breath of fresh air after all the parents who storm in day after day ranting because the teacher dared to tell their little darling off/ the homework was too hard and it's all the teacher's fault/ why hasn't Litte Tarquin been pupil of the week this term yet; he hasn't kicked anyone in the face for three days etc etc

Oh yeah YANBU by the way, can you tell I've been there

MintHumbug · 14/05/2010 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 14/05/2010 09:38

Mint makes a good point- I have found mine responded totally differently to nagging/telling off once they got past a certain age.

Downdog · 14/05/2010 09:39

TV in the morning = nightmares all round.

borderslass · 14/05/2010 09:41

"I'd be very surprised if a teacher was to blame the parent of a nine year old for the child being late"

On the odd occasion that dd2 (14) has been late we have had texts asking us to ensure it doesn't happen again. short of putting a bomb under her on those mornings nothing would of helped.

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