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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my new partner won't be a good dad?

45 replies

turtle16 · 13/05/2010 15:31

Hi all,

I split from my ex nearly 2 years ago now and have a DS (3) and a DD (7)from that marriage.

I have met someone new and he doesn't have children and would like one. However I do find him to be a bit petty when it come to my DC's. If they are eating at the table and drop food he goes mad and if my 3 year old whines he gets angry. One example was this morning, I turned the TV off whilst my DS ate his breakfast, and said (in front of my partner) he could have it back on when he had finished. I went up stairs to get changed and heard DS whining, I came downstairs to find out why, my DS had finished his breakfast and wanted the TV on to watch cartoons and my partner said he had annoyed him whining and so he was going to watch the news, which obviously made DS whine even more. However he is good with them, he plays with them more then my ex used to and they both say they love him.

But when they have been with us for a long time without a break to their father's he gets more and more distant with them (ignoring them when they try to speak to him or play with him)and his threshold for them becomes very low and this makes life for me very miserable. This doesn't last long though because as soon as they have been at their fathers for a few days and come back he has had time to get back to his old self.

I did hope that he would be different with his own child but I am worried now as time has gone one that he will not and do not know whether this is a chance I should take.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 13/05/2010 15:39

You hope that he would be different with his own child? That would worry me more.

olderandwider · 13/05/2010 15:46

How long have you known your new partner?

SloanyPony · 13/05/2010 15:49

I can't see it working long term without a complete change in attitude from him to be honest, DNA or otherwise.

cory · 13/05/2010 15:50

What Laquitar said. Wouldn't it be awful if he was nice to one of your children and not to the other two?

IWishIWasAFrog · 13/05/2010 15:52

Sorry, but he sounds like another child, not a potential father. Of course say will say they love him, any child wants stability, attention and love, and if that is what they have to do to get it, they will (I speak of experience with my step-father). Have you discussed co-parenting, and what is his reaction when you raise these issues/want to discuss the situation? For me personally, there would be some red flags here. I grew up in a house where my sister and I was my mum's, my mum and step-dad had a child together, and even though they married when I was 5 and all grew up together, called him dad, etc., I just knew that things were not the same, and it def did and still does affect me, and also in my marriage now. Good luck with the decisions you make, but I would say tread carefully x

Original poster

turtle16 · 13/05/2010 16:07

I have been with him for 1 1/2 years, I do discuss it with him and we had a lot of discussions before we moved in together in January this year and he said that he wanted to be a good dad to them and says he will try to be more patient but how much time to I give him to adjust to living with kids, as previously he has been living as a batchelor.
I would want him to treat all of the kids the same whether they were his or by marriage and hoped that he would change his attitude towards the kids as a whole if he had a kids of his own.

I grew up with a step-mum who would take her kkids to the shop and they would come back with sweets and she would say someone at the shop gave them to them and so me and my sister knew we were treated differently and I don't want that for my DC's. - But they do have lots of fun with him half the time it's the other half I get worried about.

OP posts:

Manda25 · 13/05/2010 16:24

I wouldnt let this man be around my kids ....let alone have one with him ....run !!

SloanyPony · 13/05/2010 16:28

I think she probably is hoping that having one of his own will make him rather more patient and caring towards children in general, rather than treating them differently, correct me if I'm wrong OP.

Look, kids are a pain in the jacksie at times and to be honest I would never reach the levels of tolerance and understanding I have now if I hadn't had my own. For me, it came mainly from understanding their cognitive level of development and how they think, which I bothered to school up on once I was expecting my own. And of course just loving your own children, and then it becomes a case of just being used to it and in the mindset so others are (slightly) less annoying.

Its a big risk to take though, you wouldn't want to have one and find its not the case. Tricky eh?

LaurieFecktheToriesCake · 13/05/2010 16:30

As a foster parent I think it's extremely difficult to bring up children that aren't your own (I find it takes constant effort).

if he's not prepared to make constant effort then move on (and don't have children with him).

Even if he was 'good with his own kid' wouldn't it just be shit for the other two if he ignored them/failed to try and love them?

Baileysismyfriend · 13/05/2010 16:40

You need to ditch him now Im afraid, what if he is a good father to his own child, that would be worse IMO as your DC would feel very left out.

Its hard to meet the right person (was a single mum myself for 7 years) but don't compromise on something so big as his behaviour towards your children or possibly his own.

I am now married and when my now DH met my DD I was watching him so carefully, there was no way he was going to be in our lives if he didn't treat her well and how she deserved to be treated.

Its hard to break up with someone but I think you know deep down that he isnt 'the one' or you wouldnt have posted in the first place.

Original poster

turtle16 · 13/05/2010 17:09

I am split because on one hand if I didn't have DC's and met him I would have kids with him in an instant as he is a great person and as I say fun to be with when he wants to be.

My Ex was a nightmare when we had our first child, he's since adjusted to the ways of kids and is now better with them and has a higher threshold when they are whining etc...

My dad was also a grumpy bugger who could be fun when he wanted but his tolerance was pretty low too, but love him loads and get on with him really well.

I think I'm going to speak to him about it this weekend and tell him how upset it makes me when he acts that way towards the kids and that I can't see myself wanting a child with him if this is the way he thinks it acceptable to act towards children.

Funny thing is though he picks my DD and DS up from School and nursery sometimes and has them on his own for 3 hour before I get home from work and they have a great time together, it just seems that when I'm home he's had enough and turns grumpy.

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 13/05/2010 17:53

My partner was like your's, with my kid's ended up getting worse and resulted in my partner hitting my child.

dignified · 13/05/2010 17:54

You say both your ex and your dad were grumpy, and i worry that your idea of what makes a " good dad " has been warped by this.
Re read what youve written,,

He gets angry if they drop food on the floor
He gets angry at your son for whining so decides hes going to watch the news
He is distant and ignores them when they try to speak or play with him
He has a low threshold for them which makes your life miserable.

If someone ignored my kids when they tried to speak to them theyd be out of the door right then. He sounds like a bully and its absurd that you think this behaviour is normal.

Feel free to test this theory, invite their father round and see if he gets angry or ignores them in front of him, or any other meaningfull adult.

They have fun with him half the time, its just the other half you worry about ? Id get him out, and quickly. Why did you allow this guy to move into your house, be angry with your kids and make your life miserable ?

mathanxiety · 13/05/2010 18:44

The answer is that you should dump this man before he does your children some damage by his attitude and behaviour.

"fun to be with when he wants to be" is a bad, bad sign.

QSnondomicile · 13/05/2010 18:49

I agree, he is not father material, and he for sure is not step father material!

Your children must be utterly miserable living with a man such as this. Poor children.

twolittlemonkeys · 13/05/2010 18:54

No I don't think he'd magically be better if it was his own child. He should be used to your children and gradually be becoming aware of what stage of development they're at and what behaviour is to be expected. Alarm bells would be ringing if I were in your shoes.

BertieBotts · 13/05/2010 19:00

"fun to be with when he wants to be" is a bad, bad sign.

Yes, this is exactly what I was going to say. Also the anger issues. Yes I see what you are saying that you tend to get more tolerant of children when you have your own, but this isn't just like getting annoyed with a friend's child, this is a partner's children, potentially future stepchildren, and he should be making more of an effort. If he is not making an effort now, how will he react when he is expected to help out with e.g. night feeds or nappy changing of his own child.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 13/05/2010 19:02

After 1 1/2 years I would expect their to be some affection for the children if not actual love.

Do you live together?

I think it is crazy to have a child with this person, especially as you are hoping he would be better with his own child.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 13/05/2010 19:05

their there

chandellina · 13/05/2010 19:09

it sounds like fairly normal behaviour to me of someone who hasn't had their own kids yet. I'm not sure you can read too much into it - he needs to get used to what it means to be a stepfather and potential father to a child with you. Having a talk about it sounds like a good idea.
I always loved seeing my nieces before I had a child of my own but I'd still start zoning out after a while in a way I wouldn't do now that I am on the other side, so to speak.

whatname · 13/05/2010 19:21

you've only been living together for 4months? is that right?
thing is when you have your own you come around to things gradually,you usually learn things together, you're not thrown in with a toddler and a youngster who you have no experience with. plus you know exactly what to do with them, which probably makes him feel inadequate
He is used to his own independence, and it will take him time to get used to it, same as it would take him time just to get used to living with someone.
how does he feel, does he think he is doing ok, or does he think its hard?
If you can have an open honest conversation and he thinks he is struggling, help him, give him some tips.
I find even my own H doesn't quite have it right with DS, cos he doesn't see him as much as I do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love him.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2010 19:52

I think this goes beyond not getting it quite right. This man seems to think he can turn children on and off as it suits him.

dignified · 13/05/2010 21:35

Fairy normal behaviour ? Take time to get used to it ? This isnt a man saying , look im not sure what to do when dss does A or B ! Op openly states he goes mad when they frop food on the floor, one is only 3 ffs and he ignores them when they try to speak to him .

I wouldnt stand for someone ignoring me, and i sure as hell wouldnt have someone doing it to my dcs either. Please lets not pretend its normal and do this crap that men find it hard ect.

Unless hes ignoring his boss or other adults when they irritate him hes a bully.

Original poster

turtle16 · 13/05/2010 22:29

Thanks for all of your advice, I am going to have a long conversation with him about the way he is treating them and that it is not acceptable, if he doesn't make efforts to turn himself around quickly I know I will have to end things.

The other problem is that I think he may have OCD as everything has got to be clean and tidy, we can't leave the house until he's finished the dishes at the weekend - (I suppose at least he does it and doesn't make me do it!!!) - Which is why he gets stressed when the kids make a mess and I have told him that it is what kids do - you just clean up after they've finished eating.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/05/2010 23:52

I wouldn't stay with him.

I would want someone who wanted to be with my kids, who didn't find them too much hassle, who didn't snap at them for being 3, who didn't ignore them when he couldn't be bothered with them - who felt genuine love for them, I would not be hoping that he would change his attitude once he had his own children... too risky - what if he doesn't?

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