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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my new partner won't be a good dad?

45 replies

turtle16 · 13/05/2010 15:31

Hi all,

I split from my ex nearly 2 years ago now and have a DS (3) and a DD (7)from that marriage.

I have met someone new and he doesn't have children and would like one. However I do find him to be a bit petty when it come to my DC's. If they are eating at the table and drop food he goes mad and if my 3 year old whines he gets angry. One example was this morning, I turned the TV off whilst my DS ate his breakfast, and said (in front of my partner) he could have it back on when he had finished. I went up stairs to get changed and heard DS whining, I came downstairs to find out why, my DS had finished his breakfast and wanted the TV on to watch cartoons and my partner said he had annoyed him whining and so he was going to watch the news, which obviously made DS whine even more. However he is good with them, he plays with them more then my ex used to and they both say they love him.

But when they have been with us for a long time without a break to their father's he gets more and more distant with them (ignoring them when they try to speak to him or play with him)and his threshold for them becomes very low and this makes life for me very miserable. This doesn't last long though because as soon as they have been at their fathers for a few days and come back he has had time to get back to his old self.

I did hope that he would be different with his own child but I am worried now as time has gone one that he will not and do not know whether this is a chance I should take.

OP posts:

PotPourri · 13/05/2010 23:55

Not sure how much more evidence you need. You have had the chance ot 'trial run' his parenting skills on a long term, close contact basis, with your children, his step children. And you have found him to be lacking.

How would you feel if he were different with his own child? Would you feel ok about him being a crap dad to your children, but good with his own, your kids brother/sister?

I think you know your answer

MadamDeathstare · 14/05/2010 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 14/05/2010 02:20

There are threads on here from other mums who have had DC with their new partner - and things don't improve for their previous DC.

Your DP has to come to terms with this - children are mess monsters, it happens, get used to it and get over it.

As others have said, if he does change towards a new baby but NOT to your DC, it would be worse - so I wouldn't dream of having DC with him until he sorts his attitude out to the DC to whom he is already in loco parentis.

for you but this is already bothering you - it will just get worse as he does - so you might have to make some tough decisions (or at least warn him that you might have to do that if things don't change radically and permanently)

Good luck!

mathanxiety · 14/05/2010 04:35

A neat freak too? RUN. Please don't allow him to try this little game of domination any more.

Milkmade · 14/05/2010 04:44

Ok, going out on a limb here, but (based on a very limited amount of info obviously) I think there's a risk that the OP's partner is being judged on a higher standard of parening than many of us can muster. Hand on heart doesn't everyone sometimes get frustrated by chidren's mess? Also if as an adult in the house you want the news on in the morning, I'm not convinced that giving in to three year old whining to watch cartoons is the benchmark of good parenting either. Ditto removal of TV rights for being bad behaviour at dinner table isn't really out there as a sanction is it? 3 year olds do whine, some times incessantly (this morning mine lost it with dh because he made up her bed with the "wrong" blanket on top) - sometimes the best thing to do with tantrums like that is to ignore them till them come down. At least that way you only have the whining to contend with not the whining and bloody scooby doo!

mathanxiety · 14/05/2010 04:51

But if a child is promised cartoons by the mum, what is going on if her DP then moves the goalposts? He is undermining the mum and frustrating the child.

He is operating from the pov of someone who feels entitled to do his own thing regardless of what the OP has promised to her own child, in her own house, and this is telling the child that his word and not the OP's is what counts in the house.

Turning on the news in those circumstances is telling everyone that his preference is the law. It's throwing his weight around. It was a power play.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/05/2010 07:04

I don't necessarily agree with that though.
It may not be te best way to handle it if you are used to that situation and dealing with a whining toddler there may be other better sanctions that would have been more suitable.
But everyone is assuming he was being a nasty control freak over the breakfast incident but he may ave thought he was co-parenting and possibly doing the right thing by putting a sanction in place for the whining rather than undermining the OP intentionally.

I am not saying his behaviour is ideal or right I honestly don't know we have a small snippet here not the whole picture but I do kind of agree with Milkmade here it doesn't necessarily mean he is an awful man here.

Milkmade · 14/05/2010 07:10

Thanks Ineedacleaner - that's where I'm coming from is if dd was in one of her whiney mornings, you know the kind where every breakfast offering is wrong, she deliberatly spills her drink, then takes a pen and writes on the kitchen table, I could imagine myself snapping "if you don't stop whinging no tele before lunchtime" (if we had a tele which we don't so she might just look bemused at me if I said that )

expatinscotland · 14/05/2010 07:25

turtle, from what you say about your ex and your father, you are repeating a pattern here.

please, for your own and your childrens' sakes, try to get the root of why and try to break free of it.

would you like to see your own daughter with a man like your dad, ex and current partner?

if the answer is no, then you have the answer to your OP question as well.

please try to get some counselling before even thinking of having a child with this person.

colditz · 14/05/2010 07:33

Why did you hope that he would be different with his own child? Don't your existing children have the right not to be bullied by some random twat their mum is boffing?

colditz · 14/05/2010 07:35

ohhh a clean freak who can't keep his patience with children - a perfect candidate for a step father

Chandon · 14/05/2010 07:42

I think you know the answer, trust your own instincts.

To me he doesn´t sound too bad, and after all, they are NOT his kids, so he hasn´t been used to it from the start (when they were born) IYSWIM.

MoChan · 14/05/2010 08:15

To be honest, he sounds a bit impatient. But, you know, when people haven't yet had children, they sometimes expect more of children, relative to their age, than they should.

I expected far more of my four year old step daughter when I first met her than I should have. It's only seeing a daughter of my own grow and develop right from the start that's made me realise the speed at which a child grows and develops. When I suddenly met my dsd at 4, she seemed quite old to me, had a good command of language, etc, but I was utterly impatient when she didn't always understand what I said/behaved in a 'babyish' way. I didn't express my impatience, of course, I tried to be as kind as possible. But like I said, it took seeing a baby develop into a child to really appreciate how young a 3/4 year old is.

Not expressing this very well. What I'm trying to say, though, is that he may be mistakenly expecting too much of your children at their present age, and perhaps you should talk to him about this.

The distance thing is more of a problem. I know I have, in the past, had to distance myself from my dsc for a bit, but I did it by going away to my mother's, not by ignoring the children on a day to day basis. And this wasn't in the ordinary scheme of things, this was in the early period during which my dsd had real trouble accepting me and made my life hell.

I certainly wouldn't go any further without talking to him. I do think if he does the distance thing, it bodes ill, sadly.

ChippingIn · 14/05/2010 11:14

I can see how some people are feeling that he is being treated harshly - but it's not the isolated incidents that make me feel he's not going to be a good Step-Dad or Dad (the little buggers can drive most of us up the wall some days!!) - it's the way that turtle describes his attitude that concerns me...

Goes mad
Gets angry
Makes life miserable

Ignores the children when he can't be bothered - until they spend a few days away at their Dads again... what if this wasn't an option.

I don't know, it's just a feeling...

EcoMouse · 14/05/2010 12:04

If it wasn't for the points Chipping highlighted (goes mad, gets angry, makes life miserable) I'd suggest doing a parenting course together.

e.g. I understand my childrens behaviour (good and bad) perfectly because I've been involved in the natural progression of who they are, chosen to learn about developmental stages, etc. Because of that experience and my nature, I can relate well to other peoples children too.

I think a common root of step-parental failure is due to a basic lack of understanding of children.

However those first points I reiterated are character traits that I'd never invite into my childrens lives. If he isn't able to exert self control over those negative emotions then there isn't a great deal of hope that he would be able to put good parenting practices to use, even if he learned them.

...and undermining you is pants! It will render your attempts to parent your own children ineffective over time and will cause your children a great amount of angst and confusion.

Original poster

turtle16 · 17/05/2010 12:41

thanks everyone,

We had a long talk about on Friday night, we were away in Snowdon.

He apologised and said that afterwards when he was at work he thought he shouldn't have done the things I had mentioned above. And had been beating himslef up over the way he had reacted to my 3 year old ds, (he gets on fine with DD who is 7 because she isn't messy and doesn't whine).

His sister has three dd's and he had been speaking to her and she had agreed with me and what I had been saying to him about how he treats DS (she is a clean freak too) and said to him 'they're only little for a while enjoy DS and try to keep the frustration of mess undercontrol and clean when they've finished making mess not during!!!'

He has promised he is going to make a real effort with DS to remind himself that he is only three not the same age as my DD and be patient and said that he does love both DS and DD and cares about them a lot.

I do believe he wants change his thinking and said that because he has been single all his life - he is 30 now - it will take him time to remember he has to think of their needs before his own. And that he will back me up with my decision for punishment for bad behaviour not make up his own mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

turtle16 · 17/05/2010 12:43

himslef himself

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/05/2010 12:45

Door, arse etc.

thumbwitch · 17/05/2010 13:09

Sounds promising - but give him 6m minimum to see if he can stick to it before you jump in and get pg by him.

My DH was 31 when DS was born - he'll be 34 this week and he still has trouble remembering not to put himself first (I'm sure if I weren't here to do it, he would consider DS's needs too, possibly even before his own, but as I am here then it's my job, apparently ). He's still a good Dad though - apart from the "let's play being boys together" bollocks that results in highly inappropriate play - like kicking footballs around indoors, that kind of thing..

Original poster

turtle16 · 17/05/2010 15:37

I am definately going to wait until after christmas if not 12 months before I decide whether to get pg by him.

He's been living with them properly now for 4 months just over so although he has has known them for 1 1/2 years he's been able to escape before, now there's no where to run (my words not his).

I think if he has not changed his ways by my above timescale we probably won't be together to worry about getting pg.

thanks again everyone for your advice.

OP posts:

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