living like this?

MarthaLovesMatthew · 2010-05-12T20:02:18+00:00

I'm a newbie and this is my first post. I know newbies are often advised to avoid starting their first thread in AIBU but I wasn't sure where this should go. So please be gentle, if you can! :-) Here goes: My parents worked very hard for my sisters and I. Education was paramount. They saved every last penny to send us to a private school (with scholarships paying bulk of fees) and they were over the moon that we attended university and got degrees. They thought they could essentially buy us the life they wished for themselves. After uni, I got a job and worked for three years, until I married and had DD last year. I've decided not to return to work as I want to be a SAHM. DH does not earn a huge salary (less than national average) but we live in a very small house in a not particularly nice part of town so we get by. My parents have been supportive, but I do feel very guilty that their big plans for me ( career, financial independence etc) haven't quite materialised. Has anyone else experienced this? Does the guilt subside? Or am I being selfish by being so quick to drop all the opportunities they worked for?

Plumm · 12/05/2010 21:08

But you've got the chance to have a good career if you decide to/need to go back to work. And who's to say you'll stay at work for ever? Once your DCs are in school you could find being a housewife boring and fall back on your education to get a good job/start your own business/do whatever you decide to do.

BettySuarez · 12/05/2010 21:08

Your parents probably worked as hard as they did and made the sacrifices that they did because they wanted you and your sister to grow up and have 'choices'

That's the main advantage of having a good education - you get more in the way of 'choices' in later life.

At the moment, you are choosing to stay at home with your DD which is lovely but when she is a little older, you have the choice to get back into the work place and find your feet again.

Just enjoy your time with your DD and don't feel guilty.

And welcome to mumsnet!

GoldenSnitch · 12/05/2010 21:10

While I didn't have the private education, I did get a degree which lead to a career that I left to become a SAHM 3 years ago when DS as born.

I think of it this way..my parents worked hard so that they could give thier children what they believed to be the best start in life and I am doing just that same.

My very best memories of my childgood are of having my Mum at home when I came home from school and that is what I want for my children too. DH had and wants the same. We are very lucky that we can survive on just DH's salary so that's what we do. Our house maybe small and we might not have the money to go on holidays every year but we're happy and so are our children.

My degree should still be useful in the future so it won't be wasted. I'm lucky in that I know my Mum is happy with my choices as she has said as much. You might be surprised at your parents feelings about it too.

ronshar · 12/05/2010 21:10

Welcome to you.

First of all, you are a mum. Welcome to guilt.

It doesnt matter which path you choose, you will feel guilty.
Go to work and you feel bad about missing your baby.
Stay at home and feel bad about life passing you by and wasting your education.

I live with this daily guilt. Sometimes it is taken over by my guilt for being a crap housewife or my guilt at being a crap cook or my guilt about not sitting down with my third child and teaching him the alphabet.

I find a cup of tea and a big bar of chocolate really helps.
Oh and MN.

HTH a bit.

Blu · 12/05/2010 21:11

You don't have an education to get rich, you have an education to be happy, to give you choices, and to be able to contribute.

Goodness, you are still young, and will be young when your children are well established in school and their lives. You can use your degree more directly then.

Are your parents putting pressure on you, or is this your own stuff? Your parents worked hard to give you choices - surely they didn't imagine they were buying some sort of guarantee, and could get a refund if you didn't do what they wanted written on the tin?

Ease up on yourself, and use your education and thinking power in the way you bring up your children.

In due course, you may want to diversify and wohm - but fo now, as long as your DH and you are happy with your respective choices, make the best of it. Personally i would seek some paid work once your children are a littleolder, because sharing the financial load, and gaining financial independence , as well as keeping your potential high in the world of work, is a good building block for the future.

scottishmummy · 12/05/2010 21:11

dont refer to self as newbie,all posts is valid.old gimmer or just arrived

i imagine you parents made sacrifices for you to become well educated autonomous clever graduate who makes her own choices

if this is right choice for you suspect they will support you

however i would say maintain career contacts,keep up to date, read curent literature.once they go to school you will be free for bulk of day so will probably want to recommence career

MumNWLondon · 12/05/2010 21:15

Surely its about your choice.

From what you have said you have chosen to have a baby shortly after finishing university (and anyway attending university does not ensure well paid job) and becoming SAHM.

Do not feel guilty provided you are happy with your lot. BTW you didn't say how your parents feel...

If its any consolation my parents also worked hard to send me to private school and to university and then I did professional qualification (got married whilst doing this). And they nagged me why weren't we having a baby yet... fertility decreases etc, you just can't win!

Also I have lots of friends who invested a lot of time (like 10 years) in their careers before having kids only to find that it wasn't the sort of job you could do part-time etc, so they aren't working now either.

twolittlemonkeys · 12/05/2010 21:18

I'm in a very similar position. My mum scrimped and saved and my sister and I got assisted places at a very good private school. I went on to university whilst my sister moved to Brighton, and has lived in a camper van/ fire engine/ tree/ squat over the past few years and is about as hippy as can be. My mum is delighted that I have made the choice to be at home with my children whilst they are young. She is constantly apologising for not being around more when we were young as she had to work once my dad left. I don't feel guilty at not having a big career just now, that can come later as far as I'm concerned.

I bet your parents don't want you to beat yourself up over this. As other posters have said, motherhood is full of guilt without you making it worse. Don't feel bad about it, be grateful you had those educational opportunities, which you put to good use when the time is right for you and your family.

Original poster

MarthaLovesMatthew · 12/05/2010 21:20

Thanks for the replies! A nice welcome. :-)

Blu - My parents really haven't put any pressure on me. They're unbelievably supportive and they love DH and DD. But my Mum gave up her nursing career when she had children and I know she regretted it.

They both used to stress to me when I was younger that education was 'the way out'...of poverty, dependency and ignorance. They hoped I would forge a good career. I sense they are disappointed that I'm not living the high life, but they are too good to come out and say it.

No one wants to be a disappointment to their folks...but being a SAHM really is want I want.

Tricky...

Good advice about keeping an interest in the working world though. I hadn't really explored that. :-) Thanks all...

(Sigh of relief that AIBU is not as scary as some say!)

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2010 21:26

there's no need to feel guilty at all. you went to uni, you got a job, you've married and you are bringing up a family... what's to feel guilty about?
bringing up small children (well, and big ones too!) IS an incredibly important job. where would society be without us mums bringing up our children to be a part of it?

and I am sure in the future you will be back in the workplace, so please don't worry about it

scottishmummy · 12/05/2010 21:33

maint ain career intersts/contacts to ease transition back to work.when age 3 use your free nursery,do something to prepare for going back to work when at school fulltime

OrganicHairbrush · 12/05/2010 22:03

A good education isn't just about career prospects. It's about having a broad outlook on life and being interesting to be around.

My mum was a SAHM despite having been to a good school and got a top degree. She really used her education to help us discover the world.

Even if you don't ever want to go back to work, you'll be able to "give back" to society by volunteering, or by starting something different...

scottishmummy · 12/05/2010 22:10

i do think once at school and you have no commitments you should work.yes idealistically a good education isnt all about salary.but pragmatically with a family you will need more money.perhaps want to put something aside for child going to uni, and you have stimulus and salary in addition to being mum

sleepingsowell · 12/05/2010 22:12

Well said Organic! In this country we do seem to have a very narrow view of education and see it as a practical thing, a means to an end - which it partly is. But it's also just making the most of yourself as a person, developing and stretching yourself in order to make the most of your existence on this planet.

your parents have given you that and it's formed part of your very being now, it's part of you and who you are.

Worth it, I would say - and you will be a better parent for it. and what job is more important than bringing up the next generation?

I guess many people head towards career etc when the kids' early years are over.

But (as I get older ) I more and more lean towards just doing what you are happiest and most content at, whatever that may be, work or home.

Conundrumish · 12/05/2010 22:22

Surely they worked hard to give you the opportunity, not to dictate your future?

Enjoy

Original poster