living like this?

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

I'm a newbie and this is my first post. I know newbies are often advised to avoid starting their first thread in AIBU but I wasn't sure where this should go. So please be gentle, if you can! :-)

Here goes:

My parents worked very hard for my sisters and I. Education was paramount. They saved every last penny to send us to a private school (with scholarships paying bulk of fees) and they were over the moon that we attended university and got degrees. They thought they could essentially buy us the life they wished for themselves.

After uni, I got a job and worked for three years, until I married and had DD last year.

I've decided not to return to work as I want to be a SAHM. DH does not earn a huge salary (less than national average) but we live in a very small house in a not particularly nice part of town so we get by.

My parents have been supportive, but I do feel very guilty that their big plans for me ( career, financial independence etc) haven't quite materialised.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does the guilt subside? Or am I being selfish by being so quick to drop all the opportunities they worked for?

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Some really good insights. Thank you. It is so easy to have a narrow view of an issue. And i agree, education is about more than just money but as scottishmummy pointed out with a hopefully growing family money might become an issue. Definitely something to consider. I'm only 8 months into this parenting lark. I can see i've got my work more than cut out!

[didgeridoo]

Completely agree with pinkpanettone. We send our dd to private school with a substantial discount paying most of the fees. However, neither I nor my dh are big earners so it's stil a huge financial struggle. But we look at it this way - WE decided to pursue this not dd. We are giving her the best education we can, what she does with it is up to her. Our attitude is she can do what she wants with her future so long as she doesn't expect us to bankroll it after she leaves education.

I was a SAHM for the first 5 years of her life. I wouldn't have it any other way & certainly wouldn't be disappointed if dd chose to do be a SAHM for her dc's. It's something you can't put a price on.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

MLM - I don't have kids (yet) and don't have plans to be a SAHM, but understand where you're coming from. My parents spent a lot on my education and had very high hopes for me - I have a good degree, and have done well, but am hardly the Nicola Horlick in waiting they, and other friends, teachers, family etc appeared to expect of me. Periodically, I wonder if I've let them/myself/something else down and often feel guilty. But I rationalise this by thinking

1. I feel guilty over everything and it really isn't healthy
   
2. My education was about more than a career - character and interest forming etc, which I have in spades. An education is something which can sustain you for life, not just keep you in paychecks.
   
3. People of our generation (I'm assuming you're mid twenties like me) will be working for a very long time in a rapidly changing world - who knows what the future will hold for anyone - WOHM, SAHM, squatter, lawyer etc
   
   Also want to echo what an earlier poster said - if you do want to keep a hand in the "outside world" have you thought about volunteering/becoming a charity trustee? There are loads of great organisations out there clamouring for all different types of people.

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Oh crumbs...some major computer issues have clearly arisen.

Sorry for multiple posts here. Not sure what happened!

[Olderkidsaremine]

Hi Martha, speaking as a single parent of 3, eldest graduated, middle one at uni and youngest going this year I wouldn't for one minute think that they had wasted their education if they decided to stay at home with their kids (not that they have any yet), as someone previously said its all about choices. Once they have that education it doesn't disappear they can always use it whatever way they want.

If your parents are appearing happy they probably are happy for you, I think that you would pick up on unexpressed feelings you know them better than the rest of us!

[WelliesAndPyjamas]

I know exactly where you're coming from. My parents invested a lot in my education and although I have 'gone places' with it, I am now a sahm to my two boys. I do feel guilt but I'm happy in the knowledge that my family also can see that I am giving the boys the very best start in life, making them happy, kind, and secure little people. I always do my best at things, it's just that at the moment my efforts are being put in to my dc rather than a 'real' job!

[racmac]

No doubt your mum and dad ensured you got an education so that you had a "choice" about what to do with your life.

You are choosing to stay at home and that is fine - its not the failure option

You have plenty of time to return to work and if for some reason you needed to return to work then you have the skills to do so.

Im in a similar situation - my mum made lots of sacrifices and paid lots of money for me to qualify but im now a SAHM

[Litchick]

I sned DCs to independent school and can absolutely assure you that I have no expectations of their future.
The quid pro quo is that they give their education their very best shot. After that they owe us nothing whatsoever.

I do it because I want to give them options. Nothing more. They could never do anything that stopped me being proud of them.

I am sure your parents feel the same.

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

Well, this is definitely reassuring.

Thanks olderkidsaremine and Litchick for giving the parent perspective.

WelliesandPyjamas - It's good to know there are other people in the same boat.

I've never discussed this issue with my parents. Only my sisters. But since they both have jobs and no children it is hard for them to relate. I think I have built this issue up in my mind a bit too much...too much introspection and not enough talking.

It's really quite a relief to read these responses...thanks all!

[Pikelit]

Consider what you have achieved not just what might be to come. You have a degree, a husband, a child and the lifestyle that's made it possible for you to choose to be a SAHM. I can't see any place for guilt in those achievements.

[ClaraJo]

I still feel guilty. Mostly because after independent school I went to a university my parents were a bit sniffy about, and subsequently didn't meet the kind of man they would want me to be with (sisters went to the 'right' universities and ended up as SAHMs, with the 'right' husbands earning pots of money). The marriage ended in divorce, so I have the guilt of the wedding money on my shoulders, too (albeit 20 years down the line).

I was only ever a SAHM for 1 year, with my eldest, and have worked for myself ever since. When my mum said the other day 'If your new DP's business starts doing well, you can ease back a bit, have some time for yourself' I nearly screamed. I think they think they raised me to feel a sense of entitlement, to be a lady-who-lunches.

So, in some ways, I've been the most enterprising of all their children, but in many ways I am an abject failure. I don't look the part, play the part or anything, of a successful adult child. Well, they've got my sisters...

[LoveBeingAHungParliament]

Your parents did all of that to give you choices in life, and that is what you have.

[MarthaLovesMatthew]

ClaraJo - I'm sorry to read that

Sounds as though my experience has been similar in lots of ways. I didn't meet DH at uni. Met him at work. He is a salt of the earth working class Brummie. Not a big earner, but a really good man.

I think my parents hoped I would meet someone at uni, a lawyer or doctor type.

It is hard thinking you haven't quite done what is expected.

Sounds like you have made a real success of your life though...juggling work and children. Definitely NOT what I would call a failure. ;)

[sungirltan]

hey martha - think of it this way - i expect your parents are probably fine about you staying at home for now, but that if things ever went belly up that they are safe in the knowledge that you could go back to work and earn some decent money, if need be iyswim