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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister-in-law..grrr

82 replies

CinderellaRach · 12/05/2010 16:32

I have a sister-in-law who is 10 years older and very patronising towards me.
She's recently retired as a teacher and is only in her mid thirties so she has alot of time on her hands.
I have a 22month old and expecting in a few weeks my second son.
She tells my toddler off constantly about silly things for example he is not to sit on her lawn whilst eating his snack he must do as the adults do and sit on the chair in the garden.She'll shout at him and when he cries she'll say 'look at him having a tantrum'.
I was too shocked to say anything in all honestly.
She then tells me how she is going to 'teach' and 'help' me discipline my son.
She also says very patronising things to me.
I always tell my son off when he's naughty cannot stand bratty children!
Dh has never liked her but as I'm a stay at home mum(for the time being)and she is retired now we agreed a while ago to meet once a week.I do not drive yet still having lessons so we go round her house(we're in the middle of moving from apatment to house)and while at her's her rules apply.Her partner is also there as he's double her age and retired.I hate the fact that I haven't passed my driving test yet and therefor don't have the freedom to go when I want.
Anyway sorry for boring you!!Just don't know what to do in these situations!
Sick of putting up things like this,especially while heavily pregnant.
Meant to be meeting her tomorrow.Dreading it already!!She cancelled me last week shall I make an excuse for this week??
Last saw her at a family event and she kept on staring at me so in the end I asked if she was ok and she replied 'I could just put you in a little bag and spin it around'!She's a condescending cow.She has never had children and yet thinks she can 'teach' me parenting skills.

OP posts:

mitfordsisters · 13/05/2010 14:55

Don't do yourself down for not being assertive - the woman is a bully - 'put you in a bag' for heaven's sake! What a stupid, horrible, bullying thing to say. For a fact, bullies feel insignificant and they look for people who are weak, isolated, less experienced or vulnerable than them. Then they intimidate them, because it makes them feel better about their own sad, pathetic lives. You don't need to respond to her - just stay away - then you won't get hurt. Every time she suggests a meeting, make an excuse - she will get the message.

firsttimemum77 · 13/05/2010 15:47

'I could just put you in a little bag and spin it around'!

gomummygo · 13/05/2010 18:07

YANBU. What everyone else said. And if you do have to see her, please patronize her just for me! People like that drive me around the bend!

GrendelsMum · 13/05/2010 20:34

How about, next time she comes up with a mad statement like 'ooh, I could put you in a bag', you laugh and say 'Oh, SiL, you say the funniest things.' And anything she says to your DS, you say 'Oh, don't tease him, pretending to be his evil teacher aunty like that.'

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2010 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 13/05/2010 20:49

"Retired" at 30 is just a euphemism, btw.

I saw from the TPA how much my pension would entitle me to if I retired in my 30s: can you make a packet of jaffa cakes last a week?

poppymouse · 13/05/2010 20:53

Like what GrendelsMum said. If you decide to tackle her think of this: Retiring so early is quite unusual no? Did she jump or was she pushed? I suspect she was a such a bad teacher (whatever she may want you to believe) she packed it in when her head started to put the screws on. It's much easier to get someone to resign that to sack them in the public sector. Anyway, what a cow.

GardenPath · 13/05/2010 22:49

"It makes her an expert on teaching a particular subject matter to a particular age-group". Not being picky MDS, but it doesn't (clearly not, in this case)- there are plenty of teachers who shouldn't be let within a mile of a child let alone a whole classroom.

All due respect to all you good teachers out there.

Original poster

CinderellaRach · 14/05/2010 10:17

She taught 11-18 year olds for 4 years.Her partner is nearly 70 so her reason for retiring at 34 is that she can spend some quality time with him before he dies!!
One week she says she may start trying for a baby but then the last time I saw her she said she was relieved that she didn't have children as my ds (who is only 22months)winds her up and she loves the feeling of peace and quiet when he is away from her.
She is very strict,doesn't laugh.She admitted to me that her partner winds her up and annoys her and prefers to be with her horses.

OP posts:

Original poster

CinderellaRach · 14/05/2010 10:21

Thanks for the fb.You're right I should not let her intimidate me.
Hate feeling so stupid and weak around people like her...

OP posts:

Wanderingsheep · 14/05/2010 10:39

Wow, she sounds swell!

Her partner winds her up, your DS winds her up! She sounds like a real people person!

Definitely make up an excuse not to go round. You don't need to waste your time being made to feel like that!

ScaredOfCows · 14/05/2010 11:05

I would tell her that you don't have the amount of spare time (as a busy mother) that she has, so these frequent get-togethers will just have to stop for the time being. She sounds very unhappy and lonely, to be honest, but that is absolutely no excuse for being such a bitch to you.

TheSteelFairy2 · 14/05/2010 11:17

She is bullying you and it will only get worse. Sounds like she has been testing the boundaries to see how much you will accept. I would avoid her completely and be quite open about why you are doing so.

Lets all keep our fingers crossed she gets pregnant with twins if and when she does decide to try for a baby. Keep her busy and out of your hair.

At least we call all be grateful she is now retired and not inflicting herself on any other helpless young children.

TheProvincialLady · 14/05/2010 11:33

If your DS winds her up then give her what she wants and don't spend any time with her whatsoever. Start now - cancel your next meeting and don't agree to any plans for another one. If she presses you then be straight, tell her that these frequent meet ups are not fun for any of you. If she gets pissy then what have you got to lose? She is already treating you and your DS like dirt.

And as for the bag swinging type comments, feel free to tell her in return that you dare not tell her what you'd like to do to her in case she called the police. Don't ever, ever let her speak to you like that again. Once you have stood up to her a few times you will feel confident, and she will stop doing it when she realises you won't put up with it now. Bullies like her are total cowards.

Mamalade · 14/05/2010 14:37

Maybe you should tell her you could just pop her in a big pinata and beat the shit out of it.

Original poster

CinderellaRach · 14/05/2010 16:42

Love that last comment Mamalade

OP posts:

dignified · 14/05/2010 18:53

Oh no, i really feel for you, ive had similar from my in laws from hell and you cant imagine what insults ive put up with. Worse than that, ive sat smiling politeley whist being insulted !

Thing is, it can be really hard to be assertive sometimes , i really struggled , and to be honest, she sounds like even if you stood up to her she wouldnt back down. Youd probably be the bad guy for upsetting her.

Why not be going to a toddler group next week, a freinds visiting, your not well, sons not well, parents are visiting, plumbers calling, you dont feel up to it ect ect. Just phase her out until you feel brave enough to deal with her.

Dont expose yourself or your son to this crap. Out of interest, what does your husband say when she shouts at your son? And how come youve been pressured into these weekly visits ?

Original poster

CinderellaRach · 15/05/2010 09:32

Thanks dignified.So have you kept your distance now from the awful in laws from hell?

Yes she would be hard work even if I stood up to her(which I know I should)as she is a horrible cow.

When she hasn't liked girlfriends of her other brothers in the past she's made sure she's told her parents and they agree with her judgement.They say she's a very good judge of character and if she doesn't take to someone then she has good reason to say this.She tells me that she hated all the girlfriends of her brothers(including dh's)and then says 'But do know what?I actually don't mind you.You're probably the best compared to all the others'.

Months ago she said we should start meeting once a week and it kind of went from there.I think because I'm a SAHM and she's retired that there's more than enough time.Made a rod for my own back

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 15/05/2010 20:23

Hi Cinderella - I think you should take strength from the fact that your SIL from hell actually needs you more than you need her.

The only need you have of her, as far as I can see, is to keep the peace with your in-laws and not be seen as the one who rocks the boat.

She needs you because she has been so utterly spoilt by her parents who clearly think the sun shines out of her, that she has no friends and only an ancient husband.

I know she has been patronising, rude and bossy towards you but I do feel a little bit sorry for her.

Here's a suggestion. Arrange to see her on her own, preferably on neutral territory. Tell her that you were not happy about her behaviour towards your son. Give her exact situations, not "you always ....." Tell her that you are offended by her interfering with your parenting, which is your responsibility and not hers. Tell her that this is making you think twice about coming to see her (ie implying, but not saying, that you might not come any more if this behaviour continues). Tell her that you do not want to be rude to her in public, in front of relatives and spoil the occasion for them.

See what she says. If she shows any remorse whatsoever and gives you any indication that she will try to improve her manners, you may wish to stay in touch. But I would still cut down the frequency of your visits, and not expect her to become the SIL from heaven overnight.

If when you say all this, she insults you yet further, and this is a possibility, you have the option of turning your back on her and leaving. Say "I don't have to put up with this, and in future I won't."

You need to show her with words followed up by actions that she cannot treat you as she has and still get to enjoy your company. If you do have to leave to make your point, at least you haven't had to do it in front of other family members.

At some stage, you might consider assertiveness classes to help you deal with difficult people.

dignified · 15/05/2010 21:57

You know what, i dont think id even bother trying to discuss it, she wont listen , she actually sounds unstable. People who think this sort of behaviour is normal usually are unhinged in some way.

Instead id order some books, read some web sites, and work on your own personal boundaries. I had none , i didnt even know what they were , i didnt know how to deal with this sort of thing and thats why it happened.

Im not saying you are responsible for her behaviour , your not, but you are responsible for allowing yourself to be treated in a horrible way. Im not having a pop, i completeley understand , its very difficult and not quite as easy as telling her to fxxx off , but you could do with looking at why youve allowed her to treat you this way.

Ive always had a problem standing up for myself , my parents werent very good at it either and never taught me , and worse i had a though pattern about being " nice ".

What if i said no to someone and they got upset ? Gosh the world wouldve ended ! Ive resolved this now and dont hesitate in saying , but it took a thousand books and a counseller. You dont sound anywhere near as soft as i was so just avoid , avoid, avoid.

omaoma · 15/05/2010 22:14

I think it highly likely that this woman has problems dealing with people and it's only because of your shyness and good manners she manage to spend time with you at all; we have relatives like this, normal human intercourse is beyond them. If you criticise her in the smallest way you'll probably find she flies off the handle so fast she'll refuse to see you ever again - result! So you see it won't be very hard to be rid of her at all.

dignified · 15/05/2010 22:37

Invest in caller id too !

lifestory · 13/12/2013 17:30

sil, oh dear, and I thought it was only me! married to her brother for 23 years. they send xmas cards and birthday cards, didn't want to mix socially from the beginning, which I thought was strange, as I am always talking to my dear sister!they just kept themselves to themselves, which Is ok, but since they had grandchildren wants everyone to fuss over them and appear interested, the thing is, her brother has two (adopted) sons and 2 grandchildren (22 and 24 years) she has never sent them a birthday/Christmas card, nice eh. needless to say she doesn't even know the names of my 3 adult children and grandchildren. 2 years ago, her elderly father- 83, virtually blind and dying of cancer had a problem. he had to stay with her for a few weeks until care was arranged for him. to cut a long story short, sil rang me, ranting and raving to both me and other sil, that we should look after him. she is a spoilt brat of a woman. I offered to take him and sort out everything, but then she played the martyr. well at his funeral neither her not her adult children spoke to us, just blanked us.her brother, my husband was upset, but didn't react to it. the next time we had to meet socially I decided that it is better to stay away from her.the following day her daughter text my husband saying I was rude and she wanted to talk. to try to reconcile, I agreed to speak to her, but as soon as I said hello, she ranted again, saying I was disgusting, for " chewing gum" at the funeral. haha, I have never chewed gum, so I told her she was disgusting for behaving so badly (there was more her and her husband did)for treating a dying, blind old man, so poorly. she then creamed at me again saying she never wanted to talk or see me again. my husband hates confrontation and said nothing.he still has annual contact with sil but no relationship to speak of, but now she has young children wants to keep in touch with him. help me someone, what can I do?

Ragwort · 13/12/2013 17:38

How do people find these zombie threads?

creativevoid · 13/12/2013 18:35

How do you retire in your thirties? Am I the only one thinking, based on her behaviour, that it was a forced "retirement"?

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