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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-law..grrr

82 replies

CinderellaRach · 12/05/2010 16:32

I have a sister-in-law who is 10 years older and very patronising towards me.
She's recently retired as a teacher and is only in her mid thirties so she has alot of time on her hands.
I have a 22month old and expecting in a few weeks my second son.
She tells my toddler off constantly about silly things for example he is not to sit on her lawn whilst eating his snack he must do as the adults do and sit on the chair in the garden.She'll shout at him and when he cries she'll say 'look at him having a tantrum'.
I was too shocked to say anything in all honestly.
She then tells me how she is going to 'teach' and 'help' me discipline my son.
She also says very patronising things to me.
I always tell my son off when he's naughty cannot stand bratty children!
Dh has never liked her but as I'm a stay at home mum(for the time being)and she is retired now we agreed a while ago to meet once a week.I do not drive yet still having lessons so we go round her house(we're in the middle of moving from apatment to house)and while at her's her rules apply.Her partner is also there as he's double her age and retired.I hate the fact that I haven't passed my driving test yet and therefor don't have the freedom to go when I want.
Anyway sorry for boring you!!Just don't know what to do in these situations!
Sick of putting up things like this,especially while heavily pregnant.
Meant to be meeting her tomorrow.Dreading it already!!She cancelled me last week shall I make an excuse for this week??
Last saw her at a family event and she kept on staring at me so in the end I asked if she was ok and she replied 'I could just put you in a little bag and spin it around'!She's a condescending cow.She has never had children and yet thinks she can 'teach' me parenting skills.

OP posts:
JaneS · 12/05/2010 19:07

Give her a touch of it back.

'Oh, SIL, you're so kind, but I try not to follow out-of-date parenting advice with DS'

'Oh, you do it your way, I can easily put it right later, no harm done'.

She will soon realize that she is being pushy and that you are as well-informed and skilful about your child as you need to be (ie., more than she is!)

Cannotfindaname · 12/05/2010 20:12

Don't go there. If you do see her and she tells your DS off for something that you wouldn't, say "excuse me, I don't have a problem with him doing that".

I hate it when others think they have a right to tell other children off when the parent is sat there. My FIL told DS off recently for standing on a footstool to look out of the window (this was in my house) which we let him do. I have no idea why FIL took it upon himself to tell DS off but it did piss me off (and I was too chicken to say anything, so I may need to take my own advice ).

AnyFucker · 12/05/2010 20:19

just say to her

"your work here is done....now you must go back to your own kind"

Courtesy of:Shameless, last night

girliefriend · 12/05/2010 20:24

I would tell her that she is upsetting you, keep it personal to you and not personal to her - iyswim? So give her an example of something she has said that upset you, how it made you feel? To be honest I wonder if she is maybe a little bit jealous of you, and your poor son is getting the brunt of it! I hate confrontation but would not let someone else tell my child off unless there was a REALLY good reason!!!

hogshead · 12/05/2010 20:34

i wish i could retire in my thirties. Sounds like she's got too much time on her hands!

FakePlasticTrees · 12/05/2010 20:38

cancel tomorrow - you are tired/have to go to see the midwife/waiting in for a parcel to be delivered etc.

In the future, I'd avoid her as much as you can. if you keep being busy she'll fill her time with other stuff.

Offer to have them round when DH is there too to 'diffuse' her - that way you're not being rude, just be busy in the week.

You don't need this pressure when pg with LO to deal with.

Ferry · 12/05/2010 21:00

Teachers and people without children are the best parents. I was wonderful at parenting before I had DS but now I just have the teaching part to help me understand where everyone else is going wrong.

I know I am one, but there are some very odd people in teaching!

KiddingAnxiously · 12/05/2010 21:21

Avoid her. For your sanity.

alicet · 12/05/2010 21:30

I'm liking marmalades 'with respect as i am not a teacher I wouldn't advise on teaching etc'!

What a bitch. Great advise on this thread though. TTFO

ZacharyQuack · 13/05/2010 00:55

Break the habit of seeing her once a week. Being pregnant/having a newborn is an ideal excuse. Have them to your house if you have to see them.

Get your DH on side, and only see them when he's around.

If you can't stick up for yourself, then stick up for your son. When she starts bullying him, get in front of her and say "please don't do that, you're scaring him" and then deal with him yourself.

Take charge. She's not the boss of you.

outnumbered2to1 · 13/05/2010 01:46

tell her to take a very long walk off a very short pier.

Sounds like she is one of those ladies who "know everything" about parenting depsite never having had any kids of their own. A very large Pain in the proverbials.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2010 02:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GardenPath · 13/05/2010 02:41

Thank god she retired early - saved a load of children from being scarred for life from the sound of it. You might ask her why she retired early - obviously couldn't handle kids without shouting at them. What a nasty, vindictive bully.

Indeed, as ZQ says - take charge. She's only a person, not a demi-god.
Ask her why she hasn't got any kids. It clearly seems to have annoyed her that you have, so she wants to maintain what she sees as her higher older woman SIL status by putting you down at every opportunity. Poor insecure cow.

She makes your baby cry??? What??? What sort of a teacher is she that has to resort to shouting at a two year old??? A FAILED one. Does she enjoy it? Would she shout at an adult?
I'd tear her bloody head off.

Never mind about 'not being rude' - be rude! Be BLOODY rude!!

echt · 13/05/2010 09:03

I'm just wondering what she got retirement on - being a cow doesn't usually cut it with the local authorities.

Stop seeing the dreadful woman. Say you're too tired. for ever, if necessary.

Longtalljosie · 13/05/2010 09:08

If your DH doesn't like her, I'm at a loss to understand why you're putting yourself through this? Just stop going.

And practice this look in the mirror for use at family events.

wukter · 13/05/2010 09:14

Madam Deathstare has it nailed.
IME the best way to defuse a patroniser is to patronise right back.
Practise a couple of phrases on your own. You'll be dying for a bitchy comment so you can annihilate her.

And avoid as much as you can.

Tortington · 13/05/2010 09:15

cinderellarach

if your child -put his hand in dog shit one week - and he didn;t like it

then thenext week he went seeking dog shit, found it, stuck his hands in it - then came crying to you

then thenext week the same.....and on

would you or would you not see if you could remove any dog shit, whilst realising that it may appear from time to time.

this is a metaphor. in this metaphor your SIL is dogshit.

th moral of the story is, stop putting your hands in dogshit then bitching about it - you will go round there week after pissin week to be abused by the woman - are YOU INSANE?

Tortington · 13/05/2010 09:17

I DONT GET IT -someone treats me like shit - i do not see that person again if i can help it.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 13/05/2010 09:21

Then don't go round there.

You are acting like she is your teacher, you don't have to put up with it at all.

Original poster
CinderellaRach · 13/05/2010 11:06

Thankyou everyone for your extremely helpful feedback.I think I made a rod for my own back.
Once you start being too soft it's hard to be assertive.I let her be like that and shouldn't have.
Didn't expect so much feedback so thanks again.

PS.Love the remarks that you told me to say to her.Going to remember them.They will come in handy.Thanks

OP posts:
feelingreallypeeved · 13/05/2010 11:17

Don't let her grind you down and if she's not worried about hurting your feelings, don't worry about hurting hers. Are you sure she retired and wasn't fired

Downdog · 13/05/2010 11:34

Cancel & keep your distance if you object to being treated like this.

SIL has too much time on her hands & it sounds like she has decided to make you 'Her Project'. Run like the wind in the opposite direction.

slipperthief · 13/05/2010 11:43

The weather's nice, I'd be out sitting on her lawn myself eating snacks with DS - take a picnic mat and kindly invite her to join you.

Or, even better, simply sit out on your own lawn / local park and enjoy the day

Thediaryofanobody · 13/05/2010 11:46

YANBU She sounds very draining. Your going to have to be direct with her and make it very clear that you and you alone will be disciplining your son and you don't need her assistance.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2010 12:23

Once a week - are you nuts??? Once a year would be too often... knock that 'once a week malarchy' on the head now and for the odd occasion where avoiding her isn't possible...

Marmalade has it right [with all due respect,as I am not a teacher,I wouldn't dare tell you how to teach,perhaps you could afford me the same courtesy where parenting is concerned].

Che's - 7 - chipping in faints whilst muttering 7,7,7.... the ONE I have is one too many!! 7............

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