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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite children who have not invited ds

43 replies

GwenTen · 11/05/2010 20:02

Hello, this is the first time I have posted on here.

I have read various threads about dc's not being invited to parties. This is fine, my 8 year old ds gets invited to some parties and some he doesn't.

I notice that a lot of you seem to think that just because your ds has not been invited to their party then this is no reason to not invite them to your dc's party.

I disagree and make a mental note of children not to invite (as they did not invite him), particularly as they were invited to his last year.

Am I going to get struck down in flames for thinking this or does anyone do this too.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 11/05/2010 20:03

it would be in the back of my mind that my dc had not been invited, however if the dc want a particular child to come to a party, I would still re-invite him/her

CMOTdibbler · 11/05/2010 20:05

It's up to you - but if your child wants someone to come, what do you say to them ? Is it 'oh no, they owe us a party first, you can't have them' ? Not a good message to child I think

thisisyesterday · 11/05/2010 20:06

i woul,d invite whoever my child wanted to be there instead of entering into any petty tit-for-tat

runnybottom · 11/05/2010 20:06

i'd invite the kids my child asked for and played with, irrespective of previous invites. I think thats totally missing the point of a party and seems rather mean.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 11/05/2010 20:06

depends. If the child was spiteful, and everyone else was going, then I would remember that too!

But if it was a party where only X number of children could go out of the whole class, and my child happened to not always be one of the ones chosen, then I would not be petty about it.

And if I was throwing a party where only X number of children could go, I'd just let my child choose the children he liked best, it being his party and all that.

(unless child was a thief / evil brat / mad axe murderer)

You are going to have to remove yourself a little. You can't be so involved or get to a child's level or you'll be one of those "my little jonny" mothers. Not a good thing.

ZZZenAgain · 11/05/2010 20:07

that's the thing, it is not that you really want to invite the dc particularly but that ds at 8 will know who he wants at his party and how do you exmplain why X cannot be invited?

5Foot5 · 11/05/2010 20:07

What about the children who don't have ever have a party. Would you not invite them either?

usualsuspect · 11/05/2010 20:07

I would invite who my child wanted ..regardless of whose party they had been invited too...

pagwatch · 11/05/2010 20:08

I try to remember in this situation that I am the adult

Imarriedafrog · 11/05/2010 20:09

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Message withdrawn

scurryfunge · 11/05/2010 20:09

Didn't realise parties were a competition...invite whoever your children want to attend...pettiness from parents is unnecessary

cloelia · 11/05/2010 20:10

Good point 5Foot5. When my Dd left primary school she had a party at home and wanted to ask all the girls in her class bar about two or three. I persuaded her to ask them all. The class teacher then told me that one of these two had NEVER been to any of the parties of any of the girls in the class. How sad is that? so, be as generous as you can afford to be, while the children are still this young. Plenty of time to be choosy later, when they want to do more expensive things.

Ellokitty · 11/05/2010 20:13

I invite whoever my DD wants to invite.

I think its important to remember that different types of parties can have different number of guests there. For example, last year my DD had a gymnastics party, with a maximum of 20 guests - so there was no way that she could invite everyone who had invited her previously to a party. Often expensive parties (soft play, bowling, swimming) or house parties you have to limit the numbers. Whereas if its a hire the hall party, I'd invite more. So its no reflection on the children who are or are not invited to the party, but more often the financial and practical constraints of the party. My DD knows and understands this, therefore when she has a party, she will be given a limit of invites and she will invite her favourite friends regardless of any politics!

oldandgreynow · 11/05/2010 20:15

I invite whoever the DC want to invite as long as they are not obviously excluding one or two children

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 11/05/2010 20:19

I let them invite who they want to invite, within reason. Sometimes as parents I think you have to step in on occasion.

islandofsodor · 11/05/2010 20:21

YABU. My children have very small parties held in the home and this year dd had no party for various reasons. Does that mean she should be invited to any of her classmates parties regardless of their level of friendship.

Original poster
GwenTen · 11/05/2010 20:22

Yes, it is right that it is not it for tat but I am more meaning when the majority were invited and he wasn't. There has been a couple of pool parties he wasnt invited to and you don't pay for each person there. I certainly wouldn't not invite children who did not have parties.
Anyway it was ds who said did not want these children as he was not invited to theirs.

I am sounding really petty. I just wanted to know what others thought.

OP posts:
Fel1x · 11/05/2010 20:22

Seems awfully petty to me.
I'd invite whoever DS wanted to be there tbh.
There could be any number of reasons why other children may not have invited your DS to their party.. they may have had v small party, they may not have been good friends back then but have become very good friends since etc

cory · 11/05/2010 20:24

Why on earth do you make an 8yo's parties about who you think should be invited? Isn't it his party? How long are you going to keep micromanaging his social life?

Morloth · 11/05/2010 20:24

I have no idea, I don't spend much time pondering the complexities of children's party etiquette. Too bloody hard.

I have a drink instead and bribe DS to skip the whole party experience.

McDreamy · 11/05/2010 20:24

DC decide who's coming to their parties. I tell them how many (if we are restricted) and they give me a list of names. Seems awful petty to exclude.

Imarriedafrog · 11/05/2010 20:27

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MaisietheMorningsideCat · 11/05/2010 20:48

I still think it depends. DS1 was very good friends with one boy, we car-shared to an after school thing, they went to each others houses to play, they played together every break time, and this boy was invited to DSs party (there were 5 boys in total). A month or so later this other boy had a small party - and DS was not invited, and other boys who were not so friendly were. Now, I think there are times when as parents you have to gently point out that it might be manners to invite a a particular child.

activate · 11/05/2010 20:50

that's how your kid ends up with no friends

doasyouwouldbedoneby

pointydog · 11/05/2010 20:57

I leave teh decision up to my children because it's their party. You sound a bit odd going on about your mental notes