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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite children who have not invited ds

43 replies

GwenTen · 11/05/2010 20:02

Hello, this is the first time I have posted on here.

I have read various threads about dc's not being invited to parties. This is fine, my 8 year old ds gets invited to some parties and some he doesn't.

I notice that a lot of you seem to think that just because your ds has not been invited to their party then this is no reason to not invite them to your dc's party.

I disagree and make a mental note of children not to invite (as they did not invite him), particularly as they were invited to his last year.

Am I going to get struck down in flames for thinking this or does anyone do this too.

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/05/2010 21:02

I agree with the consensus here. It's not a tit for tat.

If you want to see the whole party thing as a transaction - a friend of mine says that the transaction is that you get invited to a party, and you give a present. That' is the transaction. All is equal, so there is not further indebtedness ie no need to feel that you have to invite that person to your party

Dancergirl · 11/05/2010 21:03

I think that's v petty. Suppose your child WANTED to invite a child who hadn't invited him? Would you say, I'm very sorry darling but he/she didn't invite you so they can't come??!

And....'make a mental note'??? Sounds like you've got far too much time on your hands. I can't even remember who invited who to whose party. I ask my child to make a list of who they want to invite and that's it.

Your attitude will just encourage tit-for-tat and point scoring in your child and that's a horrible way to be. Be the adult.

Original poster

GwenTen · 11/05/2010 21:04

OK I get the point, though I am as not hung up about it as you make me sound. DS has only ever had two parties and whoever he wanted to invite came (yes even ones who he'd not been invited to).

Same this year, whoever he wants will come. Its his party but I do not believe any of you don't harbour these thoughts momentarily even if you don't carry them out. Sometimes it is upsetting when they don't get invited, especially when they think of them as a friend but I think its usually more us than them.

I WILL TRY NOT TO BE A MOMMYZILLA

OP posts:

pointydog · 11/05/2010 21:07

well done, gwen!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/05/2010 21:12

. Hard not to be a mommyzilla. We all have a bit of lioness in us

Joolyjoolyjoo · 11/05/2010 21:13

I don't think I'd know or remember a party that one of mine wasn't invited to, unless it caused them a lot of upset. In which case I would definitely not exclude the party-non-inviter, as I would consider it petty, especially if the whole rest of the class was coming.

However, dd1 has been to loads of parties this year. When it was her birthday we decided just to have a small party at home (she wanted an "arty party" , which would have been a fiasco with 20 kids!), so only invited her 5 closest friends- so obviously lots of people who previously invited her excluded. Is that bad?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/05/2010 21:13

BTW I farking hate parties

MollieO · 11/05/2010 21:17

Ds invites whom he wants. Last year at his 5th birthday I tried (and failed) to exhert some influence. He wanted to invite a child who wasn't actually very nice to him (have seen repeated examples of not nice behaviour from this child). I asked ds why he wanted to invite X when X wasn't very nice to him. Ds said that he thought that by inviting X to his party he hoped they could become friends! Couldn't really argue with that .

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 11/05/2010 21:21

I don't do this. DD invites who she wants to her parties. There is one goril who's been for last 2 years but DD hasn't gone to one of her's. It doesn't matter, some people have smaller parties for budget, number restrictions ,etc.

DD had a small sleepover this year and a girl in her class (who wasn't invited purely 'cos DD couldn't have more than 4) told DD that her mum had bought DD a birthday present but then when she realised that her daughter wasn't invited threw the present away.

Original poster

GwenTen · 11/05/2010 21:26

Mollie, your ds sounds very sensible.

I think I get a big hung up about friendships sometimes as ds is an only. I do make an effort with his social life to make sure he is not lonely. There is one friend who, when I get to school, same day every week asks if he can come back to play. I always say yes This has been going on for months. He has only ever been back to this boys house once so I know I am not a tit for tat person.

I suppose we all just want our dc's to be happy.

And yes, in the grand scheme of things, childrens parties come prety low down

OP posts:

AngryPixie · 11/05/2010 21:28

Do you also insist that your DC invite all the children who have invited them in the past? Therein madness lies!

CoupleofKooks · 11/05/2010 21:31

"I try to remember in this situation that I am the adult"
brilliant pagwatch!

MollieO · 11/05/2010 21:34

My ds is an only too (and will stay that way). He rarely does playdates - I reckon less than a handful each year - as I work full time and find it hard to reciprocate (not expected by those who invite him but I feel guilty nonetheless). It may be that could be the case with your weekly playdate. I assume he is collected from your house so have you tried inviting the mum in for coffee/tea?

I quite enjoy going to parties as it is one of the few times I actually get to see other parents .

pigletmania · 11/05/2010 21:35

I would not invite children who have not invited dd, unless dd really wants them at her party. If she was not bothered than they would not be invited tbh. Cant invite everyone!

pigletmania · 11/05/2010 21:37

I would invite kids she wanted to invite.

Original poster

GwenTen · 11/05/2010 21:38

No Mollie, Mum does not work or drive so I end up dropping him off. I speak to his mum and get on OK with her but she just seems happy for her ds to come here every week and I suppose as long as my ds is happy then I don't mind.

I work part-time so I am probably being taken for a mug (hmm)

OP posts:

grendel · 11/05/2010 21:56

Well DD has the last birthday in her school year and by the date of her birthday had been invited to just ONE party in the entire year.

She wasn't too bothered about this, but each time another of her 'friends' had a party to which she wasn't invited my inner lioness got more and more irate.

By the time of her birthday I was all for not throwing a party at all and just taking her out for a super treat for the day. Why should I make an effort to entertain all these girls who had snubbed my DD all year?

But then I thought about it a bit more and realised that the party was for DD, not for scoring points, and I should just do what would make her happy.

So I gritted my teeth, let her invite who she wanted, and threw the most amazing party - which they are all still talking about [preen] and want us to do again this year.

piscesmoon · 11/05/2010 22:10

I'm so glad that I am past this stage and the politics that go with it! I told my DSs how many DCs they could invite and they chose those they were friendly with. Possibly their best friend of the month wasn't a friend 3 months before.

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