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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a leeetle bit upset with my friend?

34 replies

mosschops30 · 11/05/2010 13:51

Ans I am totally open to YABU, because I think I may be being a bit oversensitive.

I invited a good friend and her family to ds2 baptism. My dh and her dh get along well and our older ds's are good friends.

However she has declined because she says she has a family meal on that day.
Now before you all start her family do live fairly close by, theyre not all that close relationship wise and Im just a bit miffed that she wouldnt either miss it or try and re-arrange as ds2 will only be baptised once.

Its not going to affect the friendship or anything but I am in a bit of a huff about it. I just know if it were me Id say to my mum that I had something on and could we re-arrange

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 11/05/2010 13:54

Maybe her family will go into more of a huff than you and she has decided it's not worth the hassle. If you are friends, you will get over it

4andnotout · 11/05/2010 13:55

It depends on the importance of her family meal really, if it were for an occassion such as a birthday anniversary etc I can understand her not rearranging, however if it is just a normal meal out I would be slightly miffed too.

Plumm · 11/05/2010 13:55

Maybe she isn't religious and would feel like a hypocrite if she attended.

ABitBatty · 11/05/2010 13:56

It might not be just a meal with her mum. might it be her whole, extended family, or her dh's family?

Or, maybe she doesn't want to go inside your church/place of baptism?

YABalittlebitU as you don't know the full circumstances.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/05/2010 13:57

AFAIK its not an occasion, just a get together.
She did say her mum will disinherit her if she doesnt go
She had her dc's baptised so I assume the religion thing isnt an issue

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 11/05/2010 14:00

This happens all the time though, people are busy and have all sorts of arrangements lined up that they can't just cancel when they get a different or better offer.

It's a 'three line whip' in my family to attend all birthday meals (and we're a biiig family so there are many of them). I have to say no to friends on those days.

Ultimately, it sounds as though your invitation came after the family meal was okayed, so you just have to accept that it's an unfortunate clash of dates and that your friend can't be in two places at once.

pumperspumpkin · 11/05/2010 14:03

You've invited her, but she's already booked - if she's a good friend then respect her decision and just let it go.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/05/2010 14:16

yes I am letting it go, and she is a good friend, im not gonna say anything just wanted to know if people though IABU to be a bit miffed thats all

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 11/05/2010 14:17

Disappointed yes of course, miffed no not really.

compo · 11/05/2010 14:19

I don't go to christenings because I feel hypocritical as a non believer

thumbwitch · 11/05/2010 14:22

Well I think I'd be a bit miffed too, tbh, for the same reason. Still, in the end it's her choice - family dinner that she will probably not enjoy or lovely christening party with friends... I know which I'd go to if I were in her place!

Sometimes prior engagements are not the most important ones.

squeaver · 11/05/2010 14:23

Agree, you can be disappointed, but it doesn't sound like she's snubbing you. She already had something arranged so she can't make your do.

You (presumably) don't know all the ins and outs of her family relationships. Maybe it really would be a big deal if she didn't go.

lovechoc · 11/05/2010 14:25

It's important to you the baptism but not everyone in life will share your view. I'm not a great fan of religious ceremonies, and would be reluctant to go. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you and your family though. Not everyone is comfortable with religion that's all.

And let's face it, religous ceremonies do tend to drag on a bit.

chitchat07 · 11/05/2010 14:29

I'd be miffed too, although just like you I wouldn't let it affect the friendship. Some people are just like that, a few of my friends are and I just sort of go inside when they tell me why they can't attend something. But each to their own. At least I know who not to bend over backwards to rearrange my life for!!!!

LadyTumble · 11/05/2010 15:59

We have a similar situation at the moment regarding our wedding. Friends of ours aren't coming as they are double booked with a family occassion that day, it did cross my mind for a little while to be miffed but then I got over myself

junglist1 · 11/05/2010 18:39

YANBU actually. Can't she have a meal any time? Unless some long lost twin is going to be there or something a baptism is far more important

countrybump · 11/05/2010 21:17

Some people just don't see baptisms as all that important. We have very, very good friends who are attending a sporting event instead of coming to DDs baptism. I'm sad that they won't be there, and I know that in the same position I would give their DC baptism priority over a sport event, but each to their own, and I'm over it!
I'm a bit more miffed at the friends who live just down the road and aren't coming because I know they just don't want to. They just said a flat no without even coming up with a reason for not coming. Actually, I said they were friends, but now I think about it....!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 12/05/2010 10:27

Ive alreday said that religion is not the issue as she had her dcs baptised.

I just think, like some of you, that if it was me I would make apologies for the 'can do anytime' family meal and go to the baptism which wont happen again.
Even dh said last night (who is sooo laid back and doesnt take anything personally) 'nice to see theyve got their priorities' and thats all he said, end of, he wont give it any more thought.

I guess Im just upset that i have friends that I am less close to who are making an effort to come.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 12/05/2010 14:35

but religion must be an issue. she's been there and done that with her own DC so she knows how boring baptisms are. she's not going to put herself through it for a friend when she's done it for her own DC already!

not everyone wants to go to these types of occasions sorry.

Downdog · 12/05/2010 14:45

ok it is a baptisim so special and a one off.

But effectively you are upset because your friend and her family won't go to church with you - very unreasonable!

IndigoSky · 12/05/2010 14:52

How do you know it's a can do anytime meal? Perhaps this is the only day they can all do together. We've got stuff on every weekend until the 10th July and all through August as well. If I'd arranged a family meal for that weekend and was in your friend's position I'd be really torn but would feel I ought to stick with the family meal, especially if that was arranged first. If I say yes to something I don't think it's right to cancel because something else comes along at a later date.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 12/05/2010 14:53

I am {shock] at some of you. How narrow minded and selfih can you be.

If a friend of mine invited me to a wedding/baptism/christening/bar mitzvah or any other type of thing I think I would put it before a family meal.

Im glad youre not my friend if you wouldnt come because you find it boring, or that you'd done it for your dc so why go to anyone elses, it might drag on!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 12/05/2010 14:54

thats a fair point indigo, Im not saying that she should put everything else aside, just that MPOV is that I would change and I was a bit miffed about it

OP posts:
IndigoSky · 12/05/2010 14:56

I do understand what you mean mosschops. I just think she's in a really difficult position.

Perhaps she knows her family will give her a really hard time for months on end if she cancels the family meal whereas she hopes you'll understand and forgive her? Although it would have helped if she'd explained that to you if that was what she was thinking...

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/05/2010 14:57

Err..YABU. I believe strongly that when you make plans you should stick by them and not change them just because something better comes along afterwards. My word is my bond and all that. Doesnt mean I don't on occasion try and change things if I am confident that the person I have the arrangement with won't mind and it can easily be moved. But I have missed quite 'important things' because I have stuck to my principles - like missing a party I really wanted to go to because I was committed to a meal with my parents - and have usually, whilst personally disappointed, been pleased I did so because my parents were so pleased to see us. Sounds like you don't know whether your friend is in the same boat - would love to come to your baptism but can't let her family down.

I think you should be sad she can't come as you will miss her, but not miffed.