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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that DH just called me a stupid woman?

29 replies

Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:00

we had an argument. AFAIAK he is in the wrong. He woke in a rubbish mood, took it out on me, even though i am not well today (cold/bug of some kind, feel like shit) and he knows it.

He got shitty about something rather minor, has taken it and run with it, being actually quite insulting. Like a dog with a bone, he is getting himself worked up, pushing me, testing me and when I snap he is then justified in his behaviour.

Anyway, I was in the kitchen and I said he needed to have a think about what it is he is really annoyed about as it is not the thing we are arguing about and I told him to get over himself

and he walked off and yelled as he walked away 'well apologise then you STUPID WOMAN' and tbh it sounds like he edited that as it came out of his mouth.

Now for some reason. I feel more insulted by this than any of the other stuff he has said. He said it with spite, And he knows i hate being called stupid.

AIBU to be so very upset with this that I am refusing to talk to him atm? I just want to leave the house.

OP posts:
tethersend · 10/05/2010 09:05

Nobody likes being called stupid, but it's hardly the worse insult in the world, is it?

You had an argument. By the time I've finished posting this, you'll probably have made up.

DP and I have said farrrr worse things than that to each other during arguments if that makes you feel any better?

wineismysaviour · 10/05/2010 09:07

You may well be too 'stupid' to make his dinner later........

Shame.

brightongirldownunder · 10/05/2010 09:07

DH says this far too often to which I list my qualifications and walk out of house to the nearest bar/pub/cafe for a very strong coffee/gin and tonic.

They KNOW we're not stupid, yet it seems the only thing that truly gets under our skin...ignore, ignore, ignore. Ignore him for a bit too.

I always start talking about the gorgeous and flirtatious hunk of a butcher I visit for sausages to wind him up after I've calmed down, just to rub it in

Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:07

tethersend i tend not to hurl insults. Firstly I have self control in this which drives DH mad. He calls me cold for that as I will not explode like he does. And secondly, it really really hurt more than him calling me nasty, or saying that I am full of shit.

He said it with such anger and spite.

We have not made up. He is taking DD to nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:08

wine alas he does all the cooking. but i did say a word the other day that he did not know he thought I was making it up (perhaps he really does think I am stupid).

OP posts:
wineismysaviour · 10/05/2010 09:09

Go out for the day, don't be home when he gets in..

marriednotdead · 10/05/2010 09:09

YANBU. He is being a spiteful misogynistic prat Continue silent treatment until apology comes from him or you give in to the temptation to do something really stupid like dumping him

GypsyMoth · 10/05/2010 09:10

i think its marriage....you 'belong' to him,hence he can treat you how he likes!!

no need for it,but it worked,he's hurt you

Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:10

brightongirl my plan was to bugger off out and get a coffee. But with a baby, its hard to flounce, need to pack his bag, get dressed, put him in car seat, get him into car etc etc and he has taken baby with him to drop DD off so i need to wait for him to get back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:11

wine yes, I wanted to do that, and I wonder if he knew. I told him to leave baby here, but DD wanted to show him off, so he insisted. But I think I shall go out. He will not consider it anything other than me sulking.

OP posts:
wineismysaviour · 10/05/2010 09:13

OK, I think I may be fuelling the fire a bit, i'm a hot head.

I think honestly you should tell him how that makes you feel, try and explain that this insult above all others is not acceptable (I would ask, how is your self esteem? Does he hit a raw nerve or are you completely confident in your abilities....is he picking on an achilles heel??...might be a bigger issue going on..). If he then uses it again in an argument, it will be knowingly, and you can therefore go ballistic.

Has he used it before?

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 10/05/2010 09:14

Go out, I would, are you bf is that why you want to wait for the baby? I've been so pissed off at dh for coming in drunk once I left very early in the morning, with dd, and stayed out all day, worst of all it was a sunday but hey we had a nice time

SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus · 10/05/2010 09:15

Yanbu,

My dp made the mistake of doing this once, so I made his favourite tea, he came home from work sniffing te air and rubbing his belly.

'yours is in the fridge' I said

Dp skips over to the fridge only to be met by a plateful of raw ingredients to 'make his own bloody tea'

He got the same treatment for a while until his attitude changed, wasnt too happy that I stopped doing his washing tho (I reminded him that as he informed me I was 'stupid' I didnt trust myself not to ruin his stuff)

He hasnt done it since

You need revenge,sweet and swift. 'stupid' is a terrible, demeaning word and should not be used towards people we care for

Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:17

He has called me stupid once before. And i went apeshit. For some reason I hate it. I guess there must be roots there, but I am completely confident in myself, I do not feel stupid, I am educated, I am good at lots of things yada yada. But it feels so insulting. I think, perhaps, it is not the word, but rather the feeling that was behind it.

And he knows. He knows which is why he has not said it for a very very long time (been together for 13 years or so).

There are other things that shut me up mid argument - 'fuck you' 'up yours' for some reason they make me see red, but when i get very angry i do not go berserk, i go silent. My brain stops working.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/05/2010 09:18

"I told him to get over himself"

To be fair, this was fairly childish and certain to provoke a response.

You need to discuss this from both sides when neither of you is so angry.

Poledra · 10/05/2010 09:20

Pavlov, you said that when he called you stupid before, you went apeshit. Is it worth talking to him more calmly about it? There is something DH did to me (takes the piss out of my accent) which drives me absolutely insane. I freaked out about it a few times and was told I couldn't take a joke.

I waited till I was calm one day and explained how much I hated it, and how it demeaned me, and he's never done it since. I wonder if he just got defensive when I went mad about it, and so wasn't prepared to be reasonable, which he could be when we talked about it more rationally (or that I admitted that perhaps it wasn't rational but that I bloody well couodn't stand it). He hasn't done it since.

Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:20

lovebeingahungparliament yes, bf. He is only 5 months and needs his mummy a bit too much for me to leave him for too long.

swisscheese that is right, it is demeaning. It is one word I just cannot deal with well (well there are a few). I just hate that he hurls insults around, and then wonders why i don't engage in his 'discussion' constructively.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 09:21

poledra yes, we have talked about it since the time i went mad at him.

OP posts:
BeenBeta · 10/05/2010 09:22

.... and on the other hand.

This whole thing sounds like a proxy arguement for something much bigger. Rather than silent treatment, you could both sit down with a nice cup of tea tonight and talk about what it is that he is 'really' angry about.

DW and me have a rule that we never go to bed on an arguement. Makes me feel rotten if we ever break that rule. Wake up feeling terrible, ruins the whole day.

Shaz10 · 10/05/2010 09:23

Is it possible he paused because he realised he'd said "stupid" and knew he'd erred?

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 10/05/2010 09:27

There's always something at the bottom of it isn't there beta!

BTW dh and i both had words or phrases that if the others uses in a fight it does the same as stupid does to you, its not then about the fight almost, plus if one (usually dh) says it first the otherone will alwyas come out with the other one

FakePlasticTrees · 10/05/2010 09:28

on a lighter note, I read that title and imagined your DH to be Rene from 'ello 'ello having just been caught in a compromising position with a waitress...

Sorry, didn't mean to belittle your hurt feelings. I promise I'm not imaging you to have the looks and singing talent of Edith.

Personally, I'd refuse to talk to him until he grovelled a lot.

YANBU

wineismysaviour · 10/05/2010 10:09

I would be mad that you have spoken about this before and he's continued to use it.

He sounds like he wanted to stick the knife in and knew just how to do it.

I am feel for you, I really do. Personally, I would try and show him how hurt you are that he chose to use it again. When you sit down I would be direct and ask why he chose those specific words....

You sound really together, you have the confidence to make him know he was wrong.

I have a DH who loves to use anything he can in an argument to rile me. I have now learned to ignore the things which would usually flare me up, and this makes him mad...far better.

I then say afterwards he made another pathetic attempt to hurt me, and quite frankly he's just being as grown up as our 7yr old.

Hope you sort it out...I hate rowing.

Original poster
Pavlov · 10/05/2010 10:47

OK, we are now talking. He was going off on one about how he was running around the house like a monkey looking for suncream (yes, this was the issue) while I sat there doing nothing even though i knew where it was.

i burst out laughing as I had this vision of him scampering over furniture looking for it. Broke the ice. He then said back to me what his issue was, and it sounded so so ridiculous that he had to admit it sounded very unreasonable.

He also said he did not have a nicotine patch on this morning. Explains it all really. He has not smoked for 8 weeks, i would have thought he would be getting better in the mornings by now.

But anyway, things are on the up. I shall see how it goes before mentioning again the stupid woman comment. He said, before we broke the ice, that i deserved to be called it for not engaging in conversation, he knows how hurt i am by it. I will mention it again when we are talking more nicely. He thinks it is reasonable to insult me if I am not behaving how he likes, he really does.

OP posts:
brightongirldownunder · 10/05/2010 11:30

Now that I think about it, the last time DH called me 'Stupid' I replied "if only shit could be as thick as you" and then flounced off with a bottle of mother's ruin....