To think that 11 yrs old is too young to be

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Going to the cinema, bowling hanging round streets etc?

What is wrong with inviting friends round?

Unaccompanied to the cinema/bowling alley? I would say that is a bit young... I don't think hanging around the streets is a good thing at any age, tbh.

At that age I went to cinema with friends, but parents alwYs dropped us off at the cinema a picked us up after the film.

My dd 12 started going to the cinema by herself at that age, but neither DD 12 or DS 14 hang around the streets.

I think if you take them, leave them for the length of the film and maybe an ice cream afterwards, no probs. But leaving 11 year olds to wander aimlessly around is not good no. Maybe 13..?

Well at that age they start going to and from secondary school on their own so what's wrong with going into town with a friend?
Most parents might not want six 11 yr olds hanging round the house everyday of the six week Summer holiday for example so nice to go off with mates surely?

DS1 thinks I am being unfair in telling him to come home straight after school (Banned from after school clubs due to behaviour), not letting him hang around parks and shops at the weekend and saying he was allowed to go to cinema etc if i took and collected him. Obviously none of this has gone down well lol, so i suggested he invited friends round. Which tbh i would prefer as I am not impressed with some of the friends.

True compo, I just can't stand an aimless wandering child.. Im a wicked mother

11 definitely too young - like everyone else has said, if they're dropped off/picked up then fine, let them watch the film alone, but no loitering in the streets. Why would an 11 yr old even want to?

Well in that case he has to earn your trust back. Simples. Letting him go would be asking for trouble I think.

I cant think of any at the moment but you need to set him objectives to prove to you he can be trusted to do these bigger things.

Whats wrong with going to the cinema?

He is mixing with the "Gangstaz" (had to spell it right see) hence why i am coming down on him like a ton of bricks.

plus also i don't live in a brilliant area of London so worry enough when he goes to and from school with all the stabbings here/near by lately

What's wrong with the cinema/bowling alley or are they hotbeds of sin?

Spending time in public with your friends is a perfectly normal thing for older children/pre-teens to do. Not allowing an 11 year old to go to a matinee or bowling and expecting them to spend all their time cooped up in the house is unfair.

unless you are punishing them

He doesn't spend all his time cooped up, we go out to various places.

However until he finds some nicer friends i don't want to encourage him out with them. Especially going by previous incidents incolving them all, DS1 included.

ooppss Involving that should have said

I can't see what is wrong with the cinema or bowling-by 11 yrs they don't want to go with Mum. I don't think they should hang around the streets at any age-it is asking for trouble.

Its not to do with being to young then, its to do with being too naughty. I don't see what is wrong with hanging around when you are at that awkward stage betweem playing out and going out. I don't live in London though.

My 13 year old does not get to "hang around the streets"

He is however allowed to go to a movie with his friends.

My parents did the same if they didn't like the friends who we hung out with as children. They were much more picky on what they let us do, depending on "who" it was. I'm glad looking back. I wasn't very wise at 11 and wanted to hang out with the "in" crowd at my school. Needless to say lots of them have been arrested and in various troubles with the law and luckily over time I started to choose different friends. If they really are gangstaz I can see why you'd prefer him not walking/ loitering about the streets with them, as well as the high crime rate in your area and stabbings. So in my opinion having read all of your posts so far, you are probably not being unreasonable.

But I do think you could drop him at cinema and pick him up, or something similar. Or do you think he'd lie and not actually go to a film and just pretend he was and instead go and hang out with these people? Is he trustworthy and reliable generally? If he is, that would give him a little freedom and independence.

You know your child best, if he has already been in trouble at school for behaviour, I suspect there's more to your story than you've said.

Sorry for my rambling post, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say. It is rather disjointed having re-read it.

YANBU at all. Keep up with your ton of bricks and do not give in to the whinging requests for leniency. It sounds as if he has already been a little sod presenting challenging behaviour so stick to your guns or he will become unmanageable. Try to find groups/activities that involve a different mix of children.
My dss(13) had years of inconsistent parenting- NOT an assumption I'm making r.e your ds- and the results are depressing. Had him fulltime for last 18 months as his mother couldn't cope. Tons of support but habits too ingrained. He has now decided that he doesn't like the 'good' life and has returned to her. DH is distraught as now waiting for inevitable call saying he has been excluded/arrested/injured/got his gf pregnant Before anyone says I am being dramatic, all of the above scenarios have cropped up already

Behavioural issues aside, I would take an 11yo to the cinema and pick them up, with a group of friends I knew

But I would want to know where they were every minute and in contact by phone

My 14 yo does her own thing mostly now (but never on her own), and that is more appropriate, I think

hmmm what sort of 11 year old are we talking about here? Has he started Secondary school? I permit my now 12 year old to go shopping after school with her friends, the occational unsupervised trip to coffee houses and a cinema trip whilst it hasnt been asked for as of yet I wouldnt have a issue with. She also does the visits home so I know whom she is with.

It is a difficult line to thread between encouraging their independence and stiffling them. I would say if your son is in 2ndary school and due to turn 12 in the next 3 months YABU however if he is in primary school then I have more understanding for why you feel uncomfortable and get why you say no for now..

a little permission to do things that makes them feel grown up is important, just keep close with them and make sure they know to be in touch and you know whom they are with.

None of my friends were ever "good enough" from my mother's pov.

I was very lonely on my own.