To think that 11 yrs old is too young to be

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Going to the cinema, bowling hanging round streets etc?

What is wrong with inviting friends round?

I think you are talking about separate issues, OP.

Otoh, there is the question of your ds' friends not being very nice and the area of London where you live.

Otoh there is the wider question of what an 11yo, any 11yo, should be doing.

My dd was allowed to go into town for shopping when she was 11. She has nice friends, has never been in trouble, it is a perfectly decent town centre, and yes, aimless wandering around is part of a day out shopping, whether you are 11 or 51. And being taken out by mummy isn't all they need at this age.

If you want to motivate your decision to your ds, then I'd make it specific.

These "friends" are the ones he got caught up with throwing stones, disrupting classes etc.

No he isn't normally trustworthy he steals from me and lies, to name but 2 of the things he does.

Yes they are or believe they are "gangstaz" (even if not being able to spell lol) and DS1 is under the impression if he acts silly in class and disrupts lessons then this is why they like him so is continuing it. To the point that I have got to have regular fortnightly meetings with the school. If he was struggling in school i could understand it but he is so bright!!

Anyway i digress!!!

Cory, you are right.

I live in Peckham and as most people know it is not a brilliant place, high crime rates etc. So there is one reason I am not happy with him being out and about iyswim?
The other reason is the boys he hangs around with are not the nice ones they are the ones who are in trouble a lot at school. The school are concerned that he is mixing with the wrong pupils as well.

OP if he isnt trustworthy then things like that can be used as insentive to make it so. You know the carrot at the end of the stick if he shows himself to behave etc he will be permitted x and if he does Y then another part can be permitted but knowing that then I would likely say that you need to toe a very tight line and have him close until he proves himself different

You're not digressing you're helping people on your thread have a fuller picture of your son, whilst commenting on the situation.

I just really want to trust him tbh but he tells so many lies, that it gets me down.

Under those circumstances, LadyEvenstar, your stance seems very reasonable, particularly if he has already shown signs of poor judgment. You are the one in charge of his safety and he hasn't got the maturity to see what you see.

Your right about the hanging about. DS got mugged last week getting of the train. While we were waiting for the police there were dozens of kids hanging round this station. They are using it as a playground and running across the rails, throwing rubbish around and just generally being a pain.
The station isn't even next to their school it's a stop away.

The boy who mugged DS came back and we caught him. He is commutes from south london to enfield everyday to school, yet he is hanging around still at 5 oclock and so is his sister. He is now on bail.
I wouldn't let either of my dcs hang around if it was with trouble makers.

Could you offer a treat of some freedom for a certain amount of good behaviour?

It sounds as if in your area it is too young for your son. I don't think it is always the case.

If my eldest couldn't go out with his skateboard and his mates on his own DH and I would never leave the skatepark

At that age I was doing all of those things.

Depends what you mean by hanging round the streets, but can't see a problem with cinem and bowling. My dd started a bit of hanging round the streets in year 7 - but it meant window shopping in a small town, buying chips then getting the bus home. Now 9year 9) it means window shopping, buying chips, going to Starbucks, holding hands with boys then getting the bus home! Sory of "hanging round the streets with a purpose" if you see what I mean.

Now read the thread properly - sorry TLE. In your circumstances I would ton of bricks too. What happens if you just don't give him any money?

Seeker, i stopped giving him money because he was stealing and all it has done is encourage him to steal

Who does he steal from? If he steals from you then make it completely impossible by locking up any money in the house. If from other people, then it does sound as if you've got a problem that need some sort of outside intervention - not sure what to suggest.

Seeker he doesn't steal from anyone other than me

I also live in Peckham and it isn't somewhere you want you children hanging about the streets randomly. If anyone needs an example, before the station got automated ticket gates if ticket inspectors decided to do a check they would be accompanied by about 10 police, presumably because Peckhamites who dodge their fare don't take kindly to being handed a fine. I don't want to tar Peckham with an awful reputation because bits of it are OK and it is slowly improving, but there is a long way to go. So I think in this case YANBU, you are simply looking out for your DS.

my youngest DS started going to the cinema with his mates at about the age of 8 or 9. I would drop them off, buy the popcorn and make sure they were settled, find out what time the film was due to end and go to the gym next door and then be waiting five mins before the film was due to finish.

DS1 (14) gets the train to the skate park 5 stops away and has been doing so for past 2 1/2 years. He goes with a big crowd and the train drivers and inspectors know them and make allowances for all the extra bikes to make sure the group stay together coming home. It easn't easy letting go but I checked the skate park out a few times and got a vibe for the crowd that was going before I let him go by himself. I would rather he was there than hanging round a Mall somewhere.

My 12 yo (year 8 in school) is allowed to the cinema with friends by himself. If its one that would go beyond 7 o clock then he will be picked up (3.5 miles home ) otherwise he goes and comes home by himself.

He can go into town by himself only if there is a group of them

He can go to the park (3 miles from home) by himself and with friends

He isnt allowed to 'hang around'doing nothing with a group of people

Absolutly ton of bricks.

We foster a 17 year old fd and since she moved here 7 months ago she got in with 'the wrong group' and her behaviour has gone down hill rapidly.

As she is fostered we can't do the ton of bricks thing and so are powerless. If it was my child I would be collecting from school and bringing straight home not allowing out etc to minimise contact with the trouble makers. However I would also be teaming that with the option of should they wish to hang out with someone more appropriate then I would be delighted to take them to said place, pay for the outing etc. I would do it in the hope that it would make life with the wrong group so boring/difficult that they would naturally gravitate to the better group.

We used this technique to get fd back to college and it took 2 weeks but worked a treat. we removed her access to comp, tv, midnight snacking, money etc. so life got pretty dull and after 2 weeks of sleeping 2ohrs a day college seemed a better option. I would love to do this with her going out privilages etc but we can't restrain her to stop her going out, you can impose this though. After having the police search our house top to bottom in the middle of the night (to check we hadn't hurt her and hidden her in a cupboard!) despite our little ones being asleep because she again failed to come home at curfew because she was pissed (even though she is on bail and knows it will not help her case), we have had no choice but to start looking into moving her out of the area. 7 months ago she was a lovely kid (and inside still is), it has all happened so quickly.

Keep up your firmness with him, in fact be even firmer before it is too late because once they cross a certain point pulling them back is a loosing battle. He will be cross with you and it will prob be a very difficult for a while but if you can break the cycle it will be well worth it. Can you get the school on board i.e. switching classes so he is not with the others, I realise that could disrupte his education, but no where near as much as it will long term if he keeps with these other kids and is behaving as he is.

You are doing the right thing, keep strong

Could I suggest dropping the "You're too young" in favour of "You're just not trustworthy enough" The if he says "But all my friends are allowed to go and they are the same age as me" you can say "But they don't steal money and haven't been banned from after school clubs because of their behaviour"

And don't give him money and make it impossible for him to steal from you.

Well, it does depend on the child and their friends, not really so much about age as maturity.

At ten I was going to the local high street with my mates at weekends [not on a regular basis as we'd have been bored stiff, but maybe once a month or every two months]. We were playing out in the streets round ours and in the parks from about nine. At eleven we went almost every weekend on two buses to go swimming, or the cinema or bowling. Once those activities were finished we might well have a mooch about the shops before we went home, but we didn't loiter on street corners or whatever. If we wanted to stay out we went somewhere like the park.

But then, all my friends and I were sensible, and I was always one to walk away if other people started doing stupid things [like a friend's older brother who thought it was the most hilarious thing ever to throw pies from the chip shop at parked cars ].

Thing is, a lot of the time you just want be out, enjoying the sunshine, doing something different, whatever. Inviting friends round can be great [and we did our fair share of that] but you need the difference of being out not to get totally bored.