to be annoyed at DH?

[AllyW]

A few months ago my husband decided we needed a holiday this year - not just a week somewhere in UK but 3 wks in Florida - villa, Disney etc etc. Nice idea but last year we nearly lost the house and he was nearly made bankrupt. We are still struggling with money and I said this at the time. As usual he said "well I'll be the one out earning the money etc etc". I work 3 days a week as I am registered disabled with a mobility prob and also with 3 dcs under 6 it isn't financially viable to work each day.

I said at the time not to tell the kids so as not to disappoint them if it happens that e cant afford to pay that amount (almost £8,000!) . He told the DCs anyway and I have been driven made with questions about bloody Mickey Mouse and Co ever since. He has told me he has been paying bits off every few weeks. A registered letter came this morning saying the outstanding balance of £6,900 not been paid so the holiday has been cancelled.

I was really annoyed at the fact he has lied about not paying bits off and that I will have to tell the kids we're not going. (Also I have had to cancel an op that would have improved my mobility issues because of this trip.) I explained all this to him and he went off his head shouting saing that I am so negative and that I am so unreasonable!
He then went an told the DCs we are not going to Florida "cos mummy doesnt want to go and cos of mummy's leg!" Cue 3 pairs of doe-eyed cherubs looking like I'd taken their ice-creams from them. I am so mad at him and now he is moaning "Are you still in a mood? How long do I have to put up with this etc etc?"
AIBU?

He is spending the money for your children's FOOD on grandiose ideas to make him look good and blaming you.

I cannot imagine a situation in which my DH wouldn't share that kind of decision with me, or details of our financial position.

Have your op and tell him you are going to go and stay with your family with the DC's while you recuperate. Give yourself some time and space.

To me the worst thing is he let you cancel your op for some pie in the sky holiday. Your health should come before any other consideration, leaving aside all other issues
referred to in your post.

Ally,

You are not thick, sometimes you don't (want) to see what is going on, I know I have been there.

I agree with elasticwoman
If you did leave him, you would be better off, at least you would be getting financial support for you and the children AND you would have one less mouth the feed.

I hope things work out for you.

He let you cancel your operation for a holiday. He needs to get his priorities right, and you need to be firmer with him. You don't sound stupid, just worn down by him

Oh Ally, I am so sorry, your husband is beinbg a complete useless fuckwit.
I would find out exactly what else is going on tbh before doing anything, it would put you ina stonger position.
Do you have a joint account?
Can you set up one for yourself so you can have your money separately.

Good luck.

have your op then get legal advice

perhaps if your family knew how bad things were, tehy would help? and surely your friends would rally roudn?

This doesn't sound much of a marriage. He lies to you and the kids, won't accept responsibility for his actions, refuses to involve you in financial decisions and has the financial nous of a toddler.
Why did you marry him?
I'd be having serious talks of him changing his attitude or we're finished.

2rebecca
wonder why I did marry him (more and more) but things are different with no kids and a much better financial situation.

Wherever you are, there are MNers that will help. Truly. He sounds like a total fantasist - he clearly has not come to terms at all with the parlous state you are in. Are you renting your home? I hope so. Please talk to the CAB or Relate or someone. He really needs help dealing with the way he is refusing to accept the financial realities of your situation. And you should never, never be squirrelling cash away to feed and clothe your children. That is no way to live

And no you don't sound at all thick

Ally he sounds awful, very manipulative, unreasonable and selfish

Agree with most of the other posts - sounds like you would be better off without him especially as you don't know what other financial "stunts" he has been pulling behind your back!

Ally, I'm so sorry you are in this predicament. Is it possible your spouse is bipolar? When you said it is feast or famine, it reminded me of people I know who are.
Being in bis own business doesn't have to mean feast or famine. Money needs to be in accounts for bills that will be coming up. He should get a financial consultant to help work out a plan for the money.
It was really rotten of him to let your surgery be canceled and to even plan this vacation without the means to pay for it. Really be a good idea if he is seen by a doctor, spending sprees and grandiose ideas are both signs of bipolar.
He really needs to acknowledge the lie he told the children and apologize to you and them for messing up. Then he needs to get the help he needs to get out of this mess and prevent another in future.
Definitely seek some sort of support for yourself. There must be something for abused woman in the area, and they can hook you up with someone to talk to about all of this.
Good luck

From the things you have said about your husband I would second gtamom, Bipolar looks very likely, no one could be this bad without real problems surely?

I have bipolar and quite a few things hit a chord with me. gp/cpn will be your first port of call. He will need medication and councilling. He wont appologise, he doesnt see hes done anything wrong, I'm still appologising for things i did years ago as its only now after time and councilling and medication that i can see things clearly.

Sorry, i know that doesnt sound very helpful.

He is delusional. As well as downright maipulative and nasty.

I bet he always has big ideas and grand plans that never come off.

I think you would be better off alone.

just a quick response to your message posted on 8th. allyw this is what you call being betrayed online by teamw. have none of you got anything better to do. dont leave your computer logged on allyw you are all wrong i am right. teamw

Okay.

So quite apart from hiding his money from you (and being self employed isn't a good reason to not have financial transparency; in our house the money from both incomes gets paid into one joint account so either of us can log in and see what is there), ignoring your serious motility issues in favour of holidays and extensions, letting down his little children and blaming you, letting you down, putting your home at risk, and being consistently dishonest...

Now he's also posting messages about how he is right and we are wrong as if he's 12.

What does this man add to your life, Ally?

Oh you are a charmer all right TeamW. Of course everyone else is wrong and you are right. In your little universe.

Ally - hope you are ok.

Right. This could be good.

You are now both aware of how the other feels. Go the the CAB together and sit down and work out how you can JOINTLY manage your finances so that NUMBER 1 Ally does not have to squirrel money away for necessities for your children. NUMBER 2 - save a 'cushion' for the famine times. NUMBER 3 - Ally's op gets sorted ASAP. NUMBER 4 - a savings account for a holiday in Florida when Ally is recovered from op and money is there and you can ALL enjoy it.

Oh - TeamW - tell your children it wasn't mummy that lost the holiday. Be a man about it all.

AllyW - I really hope you are ok? I am worried about you now that I have read this.

I see people like this all the time.
They think because they work full time, that they should be able to afford 'nice things'

My brother in law's girlfriend told me she has a cleaner, an ironer and a gardener. I was . She can't be on a very high wage because she is eligible for WFT. Her view was she has to because she works full time.
I see people in the CAB up to their ears in debt ll the time for shit that I wouldn't buy ( and we are well off ).

You must take control now. Don't put it off. You need to get a finacial advisor to go through everything with you. You obviously need to run your family's finances.

and teamw - feck off and grow some cojones.

You don't earn enough to live how you feel you should. Well grow up. Real men step up to their responsibilities.

Ally are you OK?

'teamw' this is a place of support, you sound very hard to live with and should be grovelling on your knees begging your wife to forgive you for your shockingly irresponsible and disrespectful conduct. And for what it's worth I don't think she should. Your children must be so disappointed. Priorities must be: roof over head (mortgage payments must always be met) and food/nappies/children's stuff. Your children aren't your priority if you are happy to almost lose their home and disappoint them so badly and then blame their mum.

Ally, please let us know if you are OK

teamw you sound too selfish to contribute to Ally and your children's lives. Take a long hard look at how you are behaving.

teamw you're even more of a prick than Ally made you out to be.

Ally goodluck

Have spent most of this evening arguing. Should have logged off but my D(!)H is worse than you think! My head is sore now.