to be annoyed at DH?

[AllyW]

A few months ago my husband decided we needed a holiday this year - not just a week somewhere in UK but 3 wks in Florida - villa, Disney etc etc. Nice idea but last year we nearly lost the house and he was nearly made bankrupt. We are still struggling with money and I said this at the time. As usual he said "well I'll be the one out earning the money etc etc". I work 3 days a week as I am registered disabled with a mobility prob and also with 3 dcs under 6 it isn't financially viable to work each day.

I said at the time not to tell the kids so as not to disappoint them if it happens that e cant afford to pay that amount (almost £8,000!) . He told the DCs anyway and I have been driven made with questions about bloody Mickey Mouse and Co ever since. He has told me he has been paying bits off every few weeks. A registered letter came this morning saying the outstanding balance of £6,900 not been paid so the holiday has been cancelled.

I was really annoyed at the fact he has lied about not paying bits off and that I will have to tell the kids we're not going. (Also I have had to cancel an op that would have improved my mobility issues because of this trip.) I explained all this to him and he went off his head shouting saing that I am so negative and that I am so unreasonable!
He then went an told the DCs we are not going to Florida "cos mummy doesnt want to go and cos of mummy's leg!" Cue 3 pairs of doe-eyed cherubs looking like I'd taken their ice-creams from them. I am so mad at him and now he is moaning "Are you still in a mood? How long do I have to put up with this etc etc?"
AIBU?

to clarify the quote by tuarag below, i meant steal the drivers,not the cars natch

So tuarag, you don't want people's posts to be amusing?

ok let's get this straight

he booked an £8000 holiday that meant you had to cancel an op that would improve your quality of life

he paid £1100 deposit whihc i presume is now lost

he paid an architect to draw up plans for work to your house in teh region of £30 000 and missed a mortgage payment to do this

so your credit rating will take a hit too

i am not sure i could stay married ot someone so utterly irresponsible who then blamed things on me !!

he sounds spineless and weak and dangerous, god knows what other financial messes you are in

you have to hide money to make sure you can buy food and nappies

He's a cock.

A total and utter cock.

Oh gosh AllyW that is awful. There should never be a need to hide nappy money. You need to seek some help, CAB can help in the 1st instance. It sounds like this ridiculous holday is the tip of te iceburg?

allyw,
what your DH is doing to you is a form of domestic abuse...he is bullying you into spending money you do not want to spend and blames you when things go wrong.

I hope that you know that you are NBU,if you dont then please listen to all these MNers.

The very least you need to do is seperate your finances where you can. Your wages, tax credits and child benefit need to go into an account which you, and only you, have control of.The fact that you DH is self employed is not what is stopping you being an equal partner in your marriage...your husband's controlling and selfish behaviour is.

Sorry to be so harsh, just see so many women treated like dirt .

OMG I've just realised how bad this is. I'm an educated person but I must seem so thick. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to get through the day

AllyW - I am completely shocked that your -D- H could treat you like this. He is obviously feeling ashamed that he couldn't provide the holiday and is therefore transferring the blame to you.

He is clearly not going to listen to reason from you. So what to do now? Maybe put it down in writing to him so that he may take things in as he reads a letter/email from you - just the facts (not really blame, although implicitly it will be his fault) i.e. The cancelled op, the fact that you had said you didn't want to go/ couldn?t afford it, that you also work, how upset you are that he told the kids it was because of you. Obviously, normally a face-to-face grown-up conversation would be better, but it sounds as though he really isn't grown-up enough for this (I don't know - obviously you know him better)

Or print out this thread and leave it for him?!

You don't sound thick at all!

Oh AllyW I really feel for you. I remember a looong time ago arranging a shopping trip with a friend, I ended the convo saying, "Right, I'm off to syphon some cash off" . She was but that had become normal life for me. I was the bread winner but ExP was a SAHD. All my money went to him and he sorted rent, bills e.t.c. I NEVER had any spending money. She pulled me up on this and I began to dig. He spent most of his days at the driving range, paying people to babysit for the odd round of golf (any idea how expensive golf is?!) and drinking - whisky mostly.

I was oblivious. He had got us into loads of debt and I had to pay him to leave. If my friend hadn't said something I would have continued on being lied to thinking / fooling myself that I was lucky to have a man that didn't mind me having a career

Take a good long think aout how things can change because this situation sounds unbearable.

I'd agree with Custardo's original post tbh

If your husband has his own business surely he must have some sort of book keeping. Could you not get hold of this and see just what state the business is in.

Bookkeeping LOL. The bankruptcy was because he hadnt paid tax bills

OP - your H is a real nasty piece of work - hideous behaviour. Its bad enough that he has let you all down, but the fact that he puts the blame on you is just unforgiveable.

Is the deposit lost? If not, I would be using the money to book a weekend at Eurodisney for you and the kids (not your H), and then having a real hard think about how/whether you can continue to put up with this sort of behaviour.

Please do not let your H get away with this, by backing down and not being in a 'mood' anymore. He needs to know the effect he has had on the family, and most importantly the way he has tried almost to turn your DCs against you. Inexcusable IMO.

he has not learnt from that if he missed a mortgage payment to pay for plans for some pie in the sky dream of £30K home improvements

and booking an £8000 holiday

i would be terrified of what else is going on

Then as somebody as said see the CAB as soon as possible and get your own bank account.

We send people to the corner for language like Custardo's in our house, but she has got it right this time.

Also agree with Lulu.

Ally - I feel really sorry for you. You have 3 dc and a disability - it would be nice to have a dh who can at least take financial responsibility like a man.

You need to be proactive in this situation. Accept that he is a total dickhead with finances and do not expect him to act responsibly or to apologise. If you find out what terrible thing he's done next, expect him to blame you.

Go to the Citizens' Advice Bureau and see what you can do. Never write a cheque for him again and get separate bank accounts.

Good thinking for squirrelling away money.

Lulumaam
Am terrified but got no family anywhere near and dont know what to do. Need this op but wont be able to drive for 12 wks and wont have anyone to "help" (losely put)but him. I know evrything is shit but feel trapped. Also feel a bit better sharing it with all of you

Kick him out and claim benefits.

Ally,
You don't sound silly, you sound like someone who has been slowly broken down by a controlling h.(not d)

You'll get good advice on here about taking steps about changing this. Take it.

I things can get better between the two of you but if they can't you need to put yourself and your children first now.

I hope

Oh allyW where abouts do you live ? maybe some of us m/netters could help you out in some way after you have had the operation ? We pull together nicely in a crises you know