to not want to coo over newborns.

[thequeenofdemocracynotbigotry]

it is a month since my 11th mc and I am feeling very fragile. a workmate who was a couple of weeks more pg than me when I had my 10th had a beautiful baby boy last month. I have kept in touch via FB but not seen her or the baby. I just dont know if I can hold it together. I had to leave mothercare a couple of weeks ago (shopping for neice with mil) because i was stuck in baby hell and felt like i was suffocating. looking at new babies hurts. I know its daft and they havent taken my share of fertility, but i cant hellp it.

she came into the shop yesterday with her ds. everyone ran over and was cooing and holding him. i couldnt even say hello. in fact i hid in the back-up fridge til she was gone. another friend asked where i was, did i see them? how cute he is... etc. i made some non-comittal noises but now i feel bad for not saying hello. should i message her and explain? was i being a bitch?

You poor love I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to. Is she the type of person to have noticed you weren't there? If so I would message her. But no, you weren't being a bitch. Hope you're okay.

i think she saw me as i legged it to the door, and she knows that im there at those times... i just feel a bit bad about it. ive been opening a new mail and deleting it all morning.

Big hugs ((((queen)))). If she knows your situation, then she probably would have worked out why you weren't there and hopefully understood. I would just carry on any contact on fb as before and say how lovely it was that she popped in and sorry you couldn't talk properly but you were busy.

You weren't being a bitch at all and YADefNBU xxxx

YANBU

So sorry to hear about your losses. I've had 4 mcs and sometimes it all just gets to be a bit too much, especially when your baby would have been due at a similar time.

Are you getting any help or support?

YANBU. I can see how it would be incredibly hard for you. I assume the friend that was asking/commenting on cuteness isn't aware of your mcs? If colleagues aren't aware they might have been a little puzzled, but don't feel guilty, I think you were perfectly entitled to put yourself first. You could always message your colleague and give some excuse- you weren't feeling well, didn't want to pass on a cold to the baby etc.

YANBU at all.

I have 2 friends who kind of distanced themselves from me when I was pg and had a newborn. One girl I knew had fertility problems the other girl I found out since, but not in a million years would I hold it against them. If your colleague has any sense she will just let it lie and assume you had your reasons. Unless of course you make up an excuse about a cold you didn't wsant to pass on.

its weird, i hold it together ok most of the time but lately i seem to be less in control, i cry a lot and am finding it harder to recoiver.

NO! bless you XXX its must be so hard and anyone that does not understand is a insemnsitive cow.

Avoid avoid avoid babies, and dont feel bad about it

so sorry about the MC

YADNBU

When is your appointment with the consultant guuy? Is it on Monday?

it was supposed to be monday but changed it so dh could come with me (didnt feel comfortable walking round larnden on my own ) so now its the beginning of june.

Fair enough I have never even been to London

Good luck with it - I so so hope he can help.

lol thank you. he can't possibly be any worse than my current cons! although tbh im not pinning my hopes on it. goodness Im all doom and gloom today!

my train gets into marylebone and I find maps confusing so thought dh might be able to assist.

Totally understandable. YANBU. I hope everything works out for you.

No, you are DefNBU.

So sorry for your losses, and I hope everything works out for you.

You were so not unreasonable, but I would drop her a wee line to let her know why as she probably chose that time to go in so that you would be there.

Totally off topic here, but did you know there's a test they can do on sperm now to determine whether it holds the full dna thread required to make a baby? My SIL was having no trouble getting pregnant but miscarrying early and they've found it's this. Nothing to do with how well they swim! So yes, it is definitely a good idea for your DH to go too. The reason I raise it is because this was in another country and may be something worth asking about at your appointment.

YANBU I have only had one MC, (and already had a DD) and I found pregnant women and babies very hard to be around for a very long time after. In fact I didn't get over it until I fell pregnant again 13mths later. The fact that you have so cruelly had 11 MC's it is so understandable that you couldnt face your friend, especially as you would have had a baby of a similar age. Be kind to yourself, I hope that you manage to get your longed for baby soon ((((hugs))))

Would it be possible to just say that you are sorry but finding it hard to be around babies. No one could ever think you were being unreasonable.

YANBU.

It's absolutely natural to feel the way you do. I had fertility problems for years and found it very hard to be around pregnant people and newborns. It's not about being selfish, it's about self preservation.

I'm very sorry to hear about your losses and hope things work out for you.

Don't feel that you haven't got the right to feel like this- you are a human being with feelings, thoughts and emotions. She probably has a good idea why you avoided her (if she saw you), just FB her, explain & say you wish her all the best. She shouldn't feel bad for being happy but you have been through hell. I recently did some bereavement training & they said it takes about 2 years to get over one, so give yourself time. All the best for the future

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to be around new babies after what you've been through. A close friend of mine was pg at the same time as me & she miscarried. We barely spoke about my pregnancy although obv she knew I was pregnant as I could see she didn't want to hear about it. I understood as I'm sure any reasonable person would.

I can't remember any details but I saw a woman on This Morning a while ago who'd finally had a baby after something like 14 miscarriages. She'd had some kind of treatment as her body was rejecting the pregnancies (I think). Wish I could remember more about it. Hopefully you'll have your own beautiful baby soon. Good luck

queen i agree with all the posters who have suggested you send her a message. if she doesn't know your situation, explain if you can.
when someone has a new baby that's all they can talk about, and that's horrible when you should be in the same position
i really hope your appointment leads to success for you, and be kind to yourself in the meantime

thank you all so much. i shall message her to explain.

So sorry to hear about your losses - it sounds so devastating.

I know someone who was in a similar situation to you. She went to a specialist obstetrician and discovered that she had a deficiency (I am not sure what it was but apparently very significant) which is the reason why she kept on miscarrying. She now has a baby. I am wondering if you have seen anyone like this.

After I miscarried I went to see the same guy as her and he was amazing. I have his number somewhere and could give it to you - he may not be local but I am sure he would know other people who were local to you and based at a hospital nearby.

Let me know and best wishes.

After my daughter died I remember a colleague brought her baby daughter in to everyone to see. I couldn't cope and went and sat out the back of the office til she'd gone.

No-one will expect anything more.

Don't worry. xx

YA so NOT BU